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   The Cracked Planet Shopping Spree!

The Cracked Planet Shopping Spree!

Fulfill your wildest shopping dreams at the Cracked Planet Shopping Spree! Every product offered here has been carefully screened to be compatible with the values, views, and mission statement of In other words, please don't read on if you're comically impaired. On the other hand, if this page doesn't solve the problems of the world, we're not sure what will. And that's the truth! With further ado, here is our recommended shopping list of fine products and services from our sponsors:

Index to the Cracked Planet Shopping Spree:

Be sure to find out how to become a corporate sponsor   of the Cracked Planet.

Psychotic Products: Products for the Mentally Ill You

Psychotic Products, Inc. caters to the mental illnesses in us all. We understand that no matter how crazy you are, you don't want to be considered crazy. And that's where our products help. Our latest product is the Psychotic Headset, a non-functioning low-cost device that looks like the pricey Bluetooth headsets worn by high-end cell phone users. But you don't need a cell phone to use it! Once you buy this attractive device for under $10, you can talk to yourself, to ghosts, to imaginary friends, or just to the voices in your head, and you can do this anytime, anywhere, as loud as you want, talking about almost anything, and people won't think you're crazy! Once they see the flashy headset, they THINK YOU'RE NORMAL! Better yet, they may even think YOU ARE IMPORTANT! And you won't have to pay roaming charges, monthly fees, or by-the-minute fees. Your one-time purchase cost covers unlimited psychotic fun. Gratify your delusions of grandeur by talking like a CEO, a football coach, a Federal Reserve banker, or a movie star. Talk like an insane lunatic for hours. Amuse and intrigue everyone around you. Give yourself permission to be the real you in public! Available wherever Psychotic Products are sold.

Do-It-Yourself Organic: Get The Benefits of Organic Foods at Half the Cost! is pleased to be a partner with Do-It YourSelf Organics (DIYSO), the hottest fad to hit organic foods. DIYSO lets you get all the benefits of organic-labeled foods at half the cost. Instead of paying 100% more to get that organic label on your food, for a small fee, subscribers can access DIYSO's incredible resources to print out their own authentic "organic" labels to put on normal "non-organic" items. Since we all know that food labeled "organic" is usually no different that normal food except for the label, you can now apply the label yourself and save megabucks!

Get the organic label on your food the same way the pros do: by printing it yourself!


Life Brands for Kids

Pampers-branded baby: the bottom line is cash!Your precious baby is much more than just a crying and eating machine. He or she is a living human being with a world of potential - including potential advertising space. Welcome to Life Brands - a revolutionary new concept in marketing that can mean money in your pocket for each of your children! Whether you have a tasteful tattoo placed on your child or just name your baby after a reputable brand, your child can be a living advertisement that translates into serious cash for qualified participants.

Brand Name Options
Got a baby on the way? Before you pick a name, talk to the good people at Life Brands. If the genetic and social indicators appear promising, they'll offer you cash for just naming your child after one of the many brand names they represent. Forget boring names like John, Mary, or George W. Instead, try a cool name like Dorito, Toyota, Exxon, or Nike - and get $10,000 plus a $20,000 scholarship if and when your child enters college with good grades (free of felony convictions, of course). One mother of triplets was able to buy a new van and pay off most of her bills by just naming her trio Starbucks, Pepsi, and Charmin.

Life Brands recognizes that some brand names move beyond conventional norms, so extra compensation is available. For example, you'll receive an EXTRA $10,000 if you select a name like Microsoft, Dairy Queen, Tide with Bleach, or Preparation H. If your child is still known by his full brand name at age 18 (no nicknames like "Micro" or "Prep" are allowed), another $10,000 bonus is yours!

And if your brand-named child later becomes widely recognized in a positive way (student body president, governor of a respectable state, guest on Leno, Britney's boyfriend, marries an English prince, etc.), you can receive additional royalties!

For children that already have names, you can still participate by having a valuable tattoo placed on your child, as we describe next.

Visible Branding Options (Tattoos)
A corporate logo, brand name, or other trademark is a valuable symbol that can mean more cash for you and your family! Just have that symbol tattooed onto your child in a readily visible location such as the forehead, neck, or hand, and you'll receive up to $20,000 cash and options for scholarships, retirement funds, and lifetime supplies of some products, depending on how well your child succeeds. While Life Brands specializes in tattooing children, there are also programs for successful, good looking adults willing to be branded.

All tattoos are done with specially trained and certified experts using the most modern techniques from China for low pain, low risk of infection, and highly pleasing aesthetics. Plus, we do regular updates to keep the tattoo looking fresh as your child grows. And if the brand becomes obsolete, Life Brands will pay for surgical removal of the tattoo or pay you to receive a new, larger tattoo for a popular product that can cover the old one. And yes, you can have multiple tattoos installed!

To have a representative of Life Brands visit your family today, or to receive a free list of names and tattoos that could become part of your family's heritage, send e-mail to <>. An identity is too precious to waste. Don't get burned - get branded!


Universal Customer Service

Universal Customer Service, Inc. (formerly Universal Tech Support, LLC) offers the biggest breakthrough ever in the history of customer service and technical support. Each of our carefully selected sub-minimum wage employees in our secret call center in an emerging nation is single-handedly able to provide technical support and other customer service needs for virtually any product, thanks to the in-depth training we provide. And the quality we offer is no worse than what most large corporations already provide with call center personnel dedicated to a single product line.

You may wonder how this is possible. While we can't reveal all our secrets here, let's just say that understanding human psychology is much more important in customer service than understanding the inner workings of software, cameras, electric toothbrushes, or whatever other product someone is struggling with. For example, you don't have to know anything about a new laptop to make the owner feel like the problem must be their fault and that they must be stupid. You don't have to know anything about a defective toy robot to repeatedly put the consumer on hold while we cycle through different types of annoying background music until we find one that causes the consumer to hang up. And in our patent-pending system, once we identify the most annoying music for a consumer, that's what they whenever the call again. And, as many leading companies have found, your call center staff don't even have to speak English to create despair in English-speaking customers. For some, we help them feel like they must have some kind of phone problem. For others, the combination of exotic language skills and clever hold strategies drives them to abandon their intent to complain. And one less complaining customer is one less headache for you, thanks to low-cost talents available at Universal Customer Service, Inc..

New in 2008: Tech support in any language! Whether your whining customers are from France, Switzerland, Canada, Mexico, Taiwan, the United States, or Texas, the language skills of each one of our multilingual support staff are up to the challenge! Each of our specially trained multilingual technicians speaks a form of English as well as other key languages like Hindi. Plus they have mastered many accents to make the languages they know sound like a form of the languages your customer speaks. Couple this with low-quality international phone lines and with our psychological customer support techniques, and you have the secret recipe for providing customer service in any language, for any product, at a quality level equal to or better than most major corporations now provide. And it cost you just pennies per call!

AfterGlow Pet Collars

AfterGlow pet collar banner

Now you can protect your pet with the world's most unique and effective pet collar, and help the environment at the same time. Unlike other pet collars that use pesticides, with AfterGlow Pet Collars, NO CHEMICALS contact your precious animal. AfterGlow Collars kill pests using 100% natural "gamma" rays from 100% recycled high level nuclear waste. The nuclear material is completely and permanently sealed in a durable, shatterproof polypropylene shell that comes in your choice of 12 designer colors. Just snap it around your pet's neck and never worry about pests again! And when you buy an AfterGlow collar, you're helping to solve one of our most difficult environmental problems - what to do with nuclear waste. But you're not just helping the environment, you're buying the most effective pet collar known, a collar that gradually kills fleas, ticks, internal parasites, and any other pest within a 10-foot radius of the collar, all without pesticides or drugs of any kind. And the AfterGlow collar outlasts any other collar on the market! While other brands only last a few weeks, your AfterGlow collar keeps on killing pests for up to 20,000 years. Your long-lasting, eco-friendly AfterGlow collar will not only change your life and your pet's, but will also change the lives of your posterity and their pets through many generations.

Don't rely on harmful pesticides. Don't buy collars that have to be landfilled every few weeks. Help the environment and your pet the natural way with pure "gamma" rays from 100% recycled nuclear waste. Buy an AfterGlow Pet Collar today!

WARNING: Not recommended for lap dogs.


The New "Wonder Whacker"

Wonder Whacker logo See the new site:

The exciting new Wonder Whacker takes existing food products and cuts calories in half without diminishing flavor or using any form of chemical treatment! Not only is fat and calorie content cut in half, BUT YOU HAVE TWICE AS MANY SERVINGS! Wonder Whacker is a based on our exclusive principle of Gravimetric and Volumetric Reallocation of Existential Substance (GAVROES), which has been verified to conform with the first and second laws of thermodynamics while still modifying each and every serving to cut calories and fat in half. Yet the taste is unchanged because no chemical modification of the food occurs. As an added bonus, strict compliance with the first law of thermodynamics actually results in a doubling of the number of servings.

Think of it! Take one serving of Twinkies, put it in the Wonder Whacker, and you'll get two servings, each with half the fat and half the calories - but with every bit of flavor! It's a weight losers dream! But it's not just for weight losers - losers of all kinds will enjoy this revolutionary new product. The Wonder Whacker concept has been used by numerous companies to transform their fattening products into "lite" and diet foods - but this is the first time that the Wonder Whacker has been made available for domestic use. (But it's still not available in stores!) Use it daily, in preparing every meal, to cut calories in half. (Hint: Run food through it a second time to cut calories to a fourth of the original level per serving!)

Wonder Whacker is priced so low that we aren't allowed to advertise it's price. But we will send a Wonder Whacker representative to your home at no cost to do a series of demos and give you the opportunity to buy your own Wonder Whacker - or to join our lucrative Wonder Whacker Multilevel Marketing Team (get in on the ground floor and "whack your way to wealth" beyond your wildest dreams!). Act now, and you may win a cruise to the Bahamas, a new Cadillac, one million dollars in cash, or a deluxe low-fat barbecue grill.


Total protection for your children!

Parents, are your kids ballistically active? Are you sure? Don't take chances - make sure they always wear the proper protection when shooting! Give your kids new DinoVests - combining kids' natural interest in large reptiles with space age bullet-proofing technology, new DinoVests provide the ultimate in style and personal security.

DinoVests are huggably cute kevlar-filled bullet-proof vests with a large, purple dinosaur on the front. The thin jacket can be worn under clothing or as an attractive outer vest. Includes decorative but functional brass bullet holders along the lower edge.

You'll find DinoVests in fine stores everywhere. Look for them in the school supplies section, right next to condoms. (DinoVests are approved and certified effective by the Higher Institute for Safe Shooting.)

Order now and receive a free copy of the new educational video, "Barney Teaches Gun Safety."


A hot gift for maturing kids!

Prepare your children for adulthood! Give them the "Informed Choice Safe Smoking Starter's Kit" ($25) from the Citizen's Union for Safe Smoking. Look, when it comes to smoking, we all know that abstinence is ideal, but face reality! Many maturing children are going to choose to become carcinogenicly active. These kids need to know about safe (really "safer") smoking. The "Informed Choice Safe Smoking Starter's Kit" provides safe smoking materials and crucial information to help kids make an informed choice about what's right for them. The kit includes: If purchased at full retail value, these items would cost over $150. Thanks to generous donations from groups concerned about proper education of youth (and about Constitutional liberty), we can offer you this kit for just $25. To order, send your request to (BONUS! If your child is an "A" or "B" student, we'll throw in an extra pack of low-tar cigarettes for free - just our way of saying that good grades count.)

School officials: we offer discounts for larger orders. Also ask about our safe smoking fund-raising project! R.J. Reynolds Elementary School in North Carolina raised over $50,000 in three weeks selling our high-value safe smoking kits. Think of the money this could mean for your school!


Ninja Care for Lawns:
The Ultimate in Chemical Free Lawn Care

Ninja Care for Lawns logo

For centuries the world's most beautiful lawns and gardens were found in Japan, the exclusive property of the Emperors and other elite rulers. Now, the same professionals who created and cared for those lawns and gardens are in North America, offering their services to you! They are the Ninjas of the Order of Harisaki, an exclusive group whose lightning reflexes will work wonders for your lawn! They will make your lawn beautiful without chemicals that could harm the environment.

Ninja Care can do for your lawn that no other lawn care service can. How? Listen to this description of a satisfied customer in El Paso:

"I only let the encyclopedia salesman in because he said we'd get a coupon for a month of free lawn care if we listened. When I finally saw the coupon five hours later, I was shocked to see that it was for some kind of Ninja service. What do ninjas know about lawns? I thought, as we finally got the salesman out the door. But I'll never forget the day when the ninjas came!

I remember watching as a small purple Honda pulled up to our dying, weed-covered lawn. A dozen ninjas glided out, the sun glistening on their Watanabe designer polyester ninja suits like, well, like sunshine on polyester. They surveyed my lawn for about 30 long seconds, then huddled together, almost prayerlike. Suddenly there was an ear-piercing scream like "Shibakariki wa doko deska" or something. The next 60 seconds was a blur of motion, like a ninja movie but without subtitles. Death-defying kicks, triple back flips, knives and star-blades being thrown everywhere. I could see nunchucks, aisuru swords and waja poles slicing into the grass, whirring in the air, and occasionally knocking over a bush. Then, almost as quickly as it had started, the motion ceased. Before I realized it, they were gone, and the small Honda drove off in a puff of smoke.

Before I could comprehend, I remember the striking smell of fresh grass clippings in the air. And then it hit me: the lawn! What had seemed unsightly, yellow, and sparse was now beautiful, green, and thick. Bare patches were plush. And every weed on the lawn - every single one, of hundreds - was either removed, dead, or seriously stunned. All within two minutes - it was a miracle. And I've been using Ninja Care for Lawns ever since. My whole neighborhood does now. Property values have soared - but that's not all. Neighborhood crime has dropped to nearly zero, I got promoted at work, my dog can walk on all four legs, and my husband has quit listening to country music. Now I'm the state leader for National Lawn Care Now!, making great money. Ninja Care, I owe it all to you!

We guarantee that you'll be 100% satisfied with Ninja Care for Lawns - or else. Not only will you save your lawn, you'll help save the planet by using our totally chemical free lawn care service. And best of all, all proceeds are donated to Ninjas for Social Justice and World Peace to support humanitarian efforts worldwide.

(NOTE: Ninja Care for Lawns is just one of several outstanding commercial Ninja services and service organizations endorsed by the webmaster for the Cracked Planet. The others will be listed here as soon a they catch up on their payments.)


CultMaster 2000 CD-Rom Set

Powerful software provides you with the proof you need to expose and battle cults, those insidious groups that have infiltrated your state, your city, your school board, and even your own home. Have you always suspected that you were the only legitimate Christian around? CultMaster 2000 proves you're right! See the CultMaster 2000 page for details. And be sure to check out the free Custom Cult Slayer demo.


TazerPhone - reach out and shock someone: the perfect defense against prank callers!

High Energy Wireless, Inc. proudly announces the next generation of wireless communications: the TazerPhone! High Energy Wireless subscribers can deliver up to 50,000 Volts of mostly safe, efficient shocking power to other cell phone or land line callers anytime, anywhere. Now you can defend yourself from criminals, assailants, pranksters, and annoying salesman on the phone. Debt collectors bothering you? Remind them to leave you alone with a little zap to the head. Idiots calling you at 3 a.m.? 50,000 Volts later, they'll think twice before annoying you again.Technical support personnel just too stupid to solve you simple computer problem? Let them know what you think! Don't worry, they'll regain consciousness within seconds and the pain will subside within a matter of minutes, but the impression can last a lifetime.

With the TazerPhone, you can deliver Taser justice when it's needed, even from far away. No messy projectiles or wires to deal with. Just click the TazerPhone icon when speaking to a suspected criminal and our satellite-guided wireless energy delivery system takes care of the rest, indoors or outdoors, with perfect accuracy. Our base subscription plan allows for up to 3 zaps per month at 10,000 Volts. Our Zapper Plus program gives you 10 zaps at 20,000 Volts, with no roaming charges. UPDATE: Sorry - due to overblown concerns about potential misuse of our system, the Ultimate Zapper program, with unlimited zapping and voltage at 50,000 Volts is now available only to Homeland Security agents or Federally registered waterboarders. (Note: The TaserPhone has no connection with Taser, Inc., at least not yet.)

Homeopathetic Anti-Virus Software

NEWSFLASH! Homeopatheic Software acquired by Mega Placebos Plus!
Mega Placebos Plus! just acquired Homeopathetic Software in an effort to provide new synergy between the two anti-virus software firms.

Mega Placebos Plus! offers truly safe anti-virus software based on the remarkable placebo effect. The software is safe and guaranteed to be compatible with any system - Mac, Unix, Linux, Windows 3.1 to 2000, etc., because it does absolutely nothing and cannot be executed. However, installing it makes your computer THINK it is getting anti-virus protection, thus initiating the powerful and proven placebo effect - the secret power behind all the many programs offered by Mega Placebos Plus!

Mega Placebos Plus! software is remarkably inexpensive, largely because we never need to hire any programmers. Order your copy of the Placebo Anti-Virus Kit today. Comes complete with a CD, a manual, and a 24-hour technical support line (actually, it's just the number for time and temperature, but we want you and your computer to think that technical support is just a phone call away).

The Cracked Planet Research Laboratories and Gift Emporium is pleased to announce a breakthrough in anti-virus software. We've discovered that the principles of homeopathic medicine are just as valid for computer ailments as they are for human illness. Traditional software treatments for virus protection and general computer health require megabytes of code and memory - resulting in binary doses that can actually be harmful to your computer. As homeopathy teaches, the more dilute the medication, the more powerful it becomes. Thus, we begin with a full dose of a concentrated software cure, such as a functioning anti-virus program, and dilute the binary code by several orders of magnitude until only a few bytes of the original binary code remain. The resulting code can be easily placed in computer memory with VIRTUALLY NO SIDE EFFECTS while still providing powerful functionality. Don't eat up megabytes of diskspace and memory with conventional computer medicine! Use new Cracked Planet Homeopathetic Software to treat your system the natural way.

Free offer! For a limited time, we are offering a free sample of one of our many homeopathetic cures. Code taken from a segment of F-PROT software aimed at stopping the dreaded SADDAM-B virus has been prepared in a special "Anti-SADDAM-B 20X" formulation. Here is the resulting homeopathetic code in binary: "01011". Just copy that string of code into the memory of your computer, give it a few seconds to diffuse throughout the system, and you should be fully protected from the SADDAM-B virus for at least 24 hours. Try it RIGHT NOW and see! (Hint: Hurry!) If your computer is not decimated tomorrow morning by the SADDAM-B virus, which is automatically being planted into your system as your view this page, courtesy of our Cracked Planet hackers, you will know for yourself that Homeopathetic Software really works. You then may wish to order a complete set of homeopathetic cures from the Cracked Planet for surprisingly low prices - just pennies per day per byte. For more information, we will soon be offering a FREE video, "Homeo, Homeo, Wherefore Art Thou, Homeo?", which can be obtained with just a written request and $25 postage and handling. Our products work! There's nothing to be afraid of. Don't be homeophobic - order today! Send your request to TeenyTinyDose@Homeopathetic.Com.


Critter Friendly, Inc.: Animal-Safe Personal Care Products

Does it make your blood boil to find that helpless little animals like rabbits and mice were victimized in lab tests to do "safety testing" on personal care products like shampoo, hair spray, eye drops, and cosmetics? Boil no longer. Finally there is Critter Friendly, Inc., a caring, animal-loving chemical products company that wouldn't hurt a fly, a mouse, a rabbit, or a dog. All animals are precious to us and should never be harmed in the name of "product safety." None of these creatures will ever be sacrificed just to make a buck off our products. There are better ways.

We offer a wide selection of personal care products such as shampoo, hair spray, contact solution, eye-drops, and even a variety of natural medications - none of which have been used to torture animals in immoral "safety" testing. Our products have NEVER been poured into the eyes of rabbits, dumped on the skin of cats, or shoved down the throats of mice. When you buy our products, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you may very well be the first mammal to every experience their effects.

Of course, we focus on NATURAL products where safety testing isn't needed. Our contact solution, for example, comes from fresh, unfiltered waters from remote ponds in Mexico and Afghanistan. Our high-power dandruff-removing shampoo uses sulfuric compounds produced by 100% natural volcanoes. And our EzymeMaster Toothpaste contains a powerful mix of natural enzyme-producing microbes from the swamps of Florida that are guaranteed to eat away your dental problems within 2 weeks, or your money back. Don't be a pest - give our products a test! You could very well be saving the life of an animal. To sign up for a free trial of our products, contact us at


Free At Last: Make Money Giving Things Away!

Wouldn't you just love to have enough money to buy a luxury car, a dream home, a yacht, a Congressman - and still have enough left over to buy all the memory your PC will need to run Windows 98? Looking for easy cash but tired of using lame bulk e-mail schemes to trick people into buying something? Looking for a way to make money while performing a valuable and humanitarian public service? Then you must read the exciting new booklet, Free at Last: How to Make Money Giving Things Away by the intrepid Seymour Bucks. Everybody likes getting stuff for free, but giving things away is normally a sure way to go broke (excluding Congressmen, of course). Only Free at Last shows you the secret to making money - tons of money - through the humanitarian act of giving away valuable items. Sound impossible? No way! It really works - guaranteed! In fact, you can make almost $20 for each free item you give out!!! Amazingly, this valuable 20-page booklet is yours ABSOLUTELY FREE! After years of successful money making, Mr. Bucks wants to help the rest of us learn how to prosper as well. This public service offer is for a limited time only, so act now to request your FREE COPY of Free at Last today! Just send your name, address, and $19.95 for postage and handling to Free At Last, P.O. Box 911, Conn City, CT 12345. Allow six to eight weeks for delivery.


A book that will change your life for years to come

This exciting new book that will save you thousands - guaranteed!

"How to Never Pay Taxes Again - Legally!"
by William P. Robinson. Now just $49.

Order your copy directly from the author:

W.P. Robinson
Cellblock 32-G
New Jersey State Penitentiary
Hodgson, NJ 09645
If it worked for Mr. Robinson, it can work for anybody! Following the simple advice in this book will have a dramatic effect on your net income for years to come - guaranteed.


EcoAmigo Currency Recyclers

EcoAmigo banner

It's the hottest new way to save the earth! Did you know that the US Treasury Department BURNS over 3 million pounds of old and worn currency every year, generating nearly 10 million pounds of greenhouse gases? These greenhouse gases are destroying the planet through global warming. But now EcoAmigo Currency Recyclers gives you the power to fight back!

As a free public service, EcoAmigo accepts old and used U.S. currency - the kind that would normally be sent by banks to the Treasury Department for burning - and then recycles the currency using the proprietary EcoAmigo Currency Recycling Process. Each bill is carefully treated, remediated, and restored, whereupon it is returned to the U.S. economic system to stimulate renewed economic growth. Bills that are too damaged for full remediation are converted to useful recycled products such as tires, VCRs, new cars, and animal-free fur coats. In any event, instead of those old bills going up in deadly smoke, they will help save the earth AND help strengthen our economy.

The success of our environmental mission depends on environmentally conscious citizens like yourself who care about the planet. You can help us save the earth and strengthen the economy in two ways:

To find the EcoAmigo Currency Recycling service nearest you, just call 1-800-ECO-CASH. For the Adopt-A-Bill program, we also accept Visa, Mastercard, Discovery, and Sears charge cards. (But we don't accept American Express.)


Pointless, Inc.

Pointless, Inc. is a dynamic new company specializing in corporate consulting for re-engineering, productivity enhancement, quality function deployment, and innovation through synergy. They also do VCR repairs on the side and have a fine selection of videos for rental. Pointless, Inc. is a MisFortune 500 company fully committed to low prices and quality. For more information, please see the Pointless, Inc. Home Page.

Pointless, Inc. also oversees the prestigious "Top 99.9% Web Site Award," the first of which was kindly awarded to the Cracked Planet of Jeff Lindsay. If you think your site qualifies, please let them know!


National Lawn Care Now!

National Lawn Care Now! is a grassroots organization fighting for nationalized lawn care. Their agenda gives a whole new meaning to green politics. Like all great nonprofit organizations, they need your money - lots of it - in order to fight off special interests (the Big Lawn Care Companies) and bring social justice to mankind. Visit their page and learn how you can spread seeds of reform and help to shovel the fertilizer of hope.


Destination: Venus

Venus Banner

Destination: Venus is the only travel agency offering extraterrestrial cruises to the planet Venus and other sites (soon to come) in the Solar System. We specialize in exotic holiday adventures to Venus, where we have built a galactic-class resort hotel, the Venus in Paradise Resort. Many travelers express concern over the reportedly high temperatures on the planet Venus. Yes, it's over 800 F (450 C), but when you consider the 300 mph (500 kph) wind velocity, the wind chill factor is just about 75 F (25 C) - no different than a typical day in the Bahamas. But Venus is free of crowds, beggars, and bacteria! And there's absolutely no mosquitos, sharks, or country music on the entire planet.

Your trip to Venus begins in our luxury-class space vessel. For your safety, our vessel is equipped with an impenetrable solid TITANIUM hull to protect against any possible danger from rare bits of space debris or tiny chunks of ice from comets. Reflecting its totally secure titanium construction, the vessel is appropriately named the U.S.S. Titanium. During the voyage, you'll relax like never before in zero gravity comfort. Enjoy the 0-g volleyball, bowling, tennis, and weight lifting in our sports center, or just pig out in our all-you-care-to-eat floating buffet center (dry cleaning extra).

Once you reach Venus, your exotic dream vacation really begins. Frankly, being on Venus is like being on a whole new world. The unusual climate and scenery are the major attractions, of course, but many other unexpected surprises await our guests. For example, since lead melts on Venus, we are able to offer you a wide variety of exotic "aquatic" sports on our custom molten lead lakes. Waterskiing on a smooth, glistening sea of molten lead is an experience you'll never forget. Since lead is over 10 times denser than water, your body is 10 times more buoyant, making it impossible to drown. As long as you dress appropriately, "leadskiing" is perfectly safe and always thrilling. And what about those winds? Hint: imagine parasailing or hang-gliding at 300 miles per hour!

Venus - the holiday resort you'll never want to leave. Make it your destination now. Contact us at <>. And be sure to ask about our Frequent Fryer program.


Low-Sugar Sugar, Inc.

Low-Sugar Sugar is a state-of-the-art purveyor of multiple-sugar blends which allow high sugar products to be properly and legally labeled as if sugar were a minor ingredient. With Low-Sugar Sugar blends, a minor ingredient such as fruit or fruit juice can become the first ingredient listed on your package, making it seem like real fruit is the dominant ingredient. This valuable benefit is achieved through our unique use of Definitionally Unique Plural Equivalents, or the DUPE concept.

Here's how it works. Suppose you have a fruit snack that is 25% fruit and 75% sugar. Using conventional "sugar," you would have to list it as the first ingredient. But if you use a uniform blend of four unique sugars, say, sucrose, glucose, corn syrup, and fructose, then each of the unique sugars comprises less than 20% of the product. In that case, they can all be listed after fruit, which becomes the first ingredient. Depending on how little of your targeted "first" ingredient you wish to use, we can supply "DUPE" blends of anywhere from 2 to 100 distinct sugars, allowing the actual proportion of the first "dominant" ingredient on your label to be as low as 1%. Our sugar blends can be selected from a long list, including granulated sugar, brown sugar, glucose, fructose, dextrose, corn syrup, corn syrup solids, high-fructose corn syrup, malto-dextrose, raw sugar, etc. Honey is on the list, of course, and can be listed first in your list of sweeteners, if you wish (we'll add an extra drop just to be safe).

The DUPE concept works well for most sugar-rich products such as candies, snacks, juices, cereals, and various fillings such as those in fruit pies. If the DUPE concept could give your product a competitive edge, contact Low-Sugar Sugar today at <>.

Low-Sugar Sugar's blends are 100% natural and 100% fat-free. We also market unique blends of fats and oils, which happen to be 100% sugar-free. Combining our fat-free sugars with our sugar-free fats may allow you to market products that are both sugar-free and fat-free, though we are momentarily unable to guarantee the success of such claims in terms of regulatory action. In any case, stick with Low-Sugar Sugar to stay on the cutting edge of marketing innovation.


Recursive Phone Systems

Now that Caller ID is available, people are torn between the need to know who's calling and the need for personal privacy. How do we achieve a proper balance of these conflicting priorities? Now it's easy, thanks to the free market approach of Recursive Phone Systems. Subscribers to our phone service can get Caller ID for a small monthly fee, and they can purchase Caller ID Blocking for privacy in their own calls. But unlike other phone companies, Recursive Systems also sells Calling ID Blocking Overrides for a small monthly fee, allowing you to identify any caller who thinks he or she is covered by ordinary Caller ID. But not to worry - you can defend your privacy by purchasing Calling ID Blocking Override Blocking, and so on, with numerous layers of both protection and protection overrides. How many layers of Caller ID Blocking do you really need? You decide what you need and what you can afford. How important is it to identify your callers? You decide the level you need, and purchase the appropriate degree of overrides. In fact, there is no limit to how much you can buy! The more you pay, the more you get. It's the free market system with an innovative recursive twist. For more information, call 1-800-MORE-2-PAY today, and also ask about our exciting new recursive billing program.


Lindsay's Recovered Memory Therapy for Computers

I'm proud to announce the formation of a new clinic where some of the nation's best recovered memory therapists are using their skills to recover lost memories in computers. You know that thousands of once-abused people with repressed memories have been aided by Recovered Memory Therapy. Long-forgotten memories of childhood abuse or even prenatal trauma are restored with almost supernatural precision and detail, allowing seemingly happy people to assume their rightful status as victims. Now the same principles that have changed so many lives and relationships are available to help your computer at Lindsay's Recovered Memory Therapy Clinic for Computers.

Every memory your computer has ever had is present in molecular and electronic structures that make up the hard disk and the memory chips in your computer. Conventional wisdom says those memories are "lost" or "erased" when files are overwritten or your hard disk is reformated or the power is turned off. But our skilled RM technicians are able to tap into the repressed and "erased" memories of your PC and extract hundreds, thousands, even millions of megabytes of information.

Frequently, the information we recover provides shocking evidence of computer-based abuse from people you once trusted, perhaps even loved. In one case, recovered computer memories revealed that someone's seemingly sweet and allegedly blind grandmother had been downloading pornography from Denmark and writing death threats to neighbors, thinking that she was safe by "erasing" the evidence when she was done. Fortunately, she's now doing time at the Oshkosh Correctional Facility in Wisconsin. One shocked man was able to end his supposedly "happy" marriage when our therapists uncovered long-erased love letters from his wife to Newt Gingrich. She had damaged and replaced the entire hard disk twice since writing the letters, but that was no barrier to our world-class RM therapists. The word-processing memories had left ample traces in the RAM chips, the monitor screen, the keyboard and even the mousepad itself. Of course, the very fact that there was no evidence of such letters on the hard disk was strong evidence that the memories had been repressed - and that was the crucial clue that led to the full recovery of once-lost data.

Get the most out of your computer with Lindsay's Recovered Memory Therapy! Our clinic also offers a full staff of lawyers to help you get the compensation you need - that is, if any evidence of abuse should be recovered. Unfortunately, our experience proves that most people with computers actually are unknowing victims of computer abuse, so hefty compensation may be coming your way!


Planned Unparenthood:
Protecting Your Right to a Retroactive Abortion

This progressive organization is now featured on a separate page.


How to become a corporate sponsor of the Cracked Planet

Attention, would-be sponsors: The Cracked Planet web site is about quality, so only products meeting my quality demands will be accepted for advertising on this page. To have your product or service considered, send me $50 cash and a generous quantity of your product (or gift certificates for your service). Your product will be advertised here with the Cracked Planet stamp of approval if it meets any of the following criteria: a) it works and I like it, b) I can give it away as a wedding gift or Christmas present, or c) you send more cash.

Our Corporate Sponsors and Their Guarantee

Like many state-of-the-art Web sites, the Cracked Planet graciously accepts corporate sponsors. Their products, in turn, are advertised here. Only the finest products from the finest companies pass our exacting quality tests, so if you see a product here at the Cracked Planet Shopping Spree, you can be sure that it's among the crime de la crime. Every product listed here comes with a triple money-back LIFETIME guarantee: if the product fails, breaks, or malfunctions before its lifetime is over, you get TRIPLE your money back. (Note: product lifetime = the time required for a product to fail, break, or malfunction.)

Beam back to Jeff Lindsay's Cracked Planet

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Curator: Jeff LindsayContact:

Disclaimer: this page is the sole, private, satirical work of Jeff Lindsay. The views and jabs on this page do not necessarily represent those of my employer, my wife, my religion, or my favorite restaurant. Which is really a shame. If they would only listen to me....

Last Updated: Dec. 30, 2007
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Istha agepa illwa eba ailableava ina igpa atinla oonsa.