Microsoft Warns of New Critical Flaw in All Versions of Office: Eternal Souls at Risk

Microsoft has admitted to another critical flaw being exploited in “zero day” attacks in all versions of Microsoft Office programs, across all platforms, apparently even more serious than other recently announced critical flaws. The newly found Darn.Me/Curse.Me backdoor trojan program, first spotted causing havoc on Whitehouse computers, allows hackers to take over computers who open documents of any kind, from any source. The program is unusually malicious, typically allowing malicious hackers to steal the identity of users or, in several documented cases, their very soul. The souls of two victims are reportedly suffering eternal damnation already after accidentally opening a document infected with the Curse.Me variant of the trojan. The White House is not acknowledging who the affected parties are, but Federal security experts note that the infection has been reported among members of Congress, the Supreme Court, the Pentagon, and the New York Times, and may spread around the globe shortly. Technical support crews have been unable to retrieve the contents of the injected souls.

Microsoft does not have a patch for this vulnerability, and does not have plans in place to provide one, though an improved and more expensive version of Office will be announced soon that can be trusted “for sure this time,” according to a Microsoft spokesman who refused to take the bag off his head during the press conference. “For the present time,” he said, “we encourage users to avoid use of our software. Rather than risk loss of your identity or even your soul by using Word, Outlook, Internet Explorer, or any of our other leading products, it might be wise to take up bowling for the present time. Maybe some reruns on television. Reading is good, too.”

By |September 7th, 2006|Categories: Humor, Satire||Comments Off

They Don’t Use Toilet Paper: Why We Must Oppose Terrorists

Most American sympathizers of Osama Bin Laden and his gang of terrorists – you know, New York Times writers and their ilk – have overlooked one of the main reasons why we must oppose terrorists. This guys are so low, so filthy, so depraved, that they don’t even use toilet paper. Are those the kind of people we should have standing before the United Nations, a la Yassar Arafat, pretending to be respectable revolutionaries? Can we afford to let one more petrodollar end up in their unwashed hands, only to end up circulating in our restaurants and cafeterias?

Inventories of seized terrorist supplies have been published. Never has a single roll of toilet paper been reported in their supplies. It’s clear that terrorism cannot be allowed to continue if we are to have a civilized and hygienic world.

By |August 28th, 2006|Categories: Satire||Comments Off

Ninja-Trained Victims?

Many questions are being asked about unethical soccer players in the World Cup faking fouls to gain penalty kicks. Some did it poorly, but a few elite players were brilliant in their fakery. What made the difference? The best were Ninja-Trained Victims, professionally trained so that they, like the victims who lose fights to ninjas in the movies, can go flying 10 to 15 feet with just a simple bump, or so that they can be knocked unconscious with little more than a love tap. There’s only one place to become a Ninja-Trained Victim, and that’s Dodkodeska’s School of Ninja Theatre, one of many fine ninja commercial services that help sponsor my Website. For details, see my Web page on Commercial Ninja Services.

By |July 9th, 2006|Categories: Satire||Comments Off

What Determines the Price of Stocks?

Surprisingly, many people don’t understand the most basic aspect of the stock market, the way stock prices are determined. Here in the United States, with our free economy, the price of each stock is determined by “market forces.” The term “market forces” refers primarily to two very important and very funny men little men: Ben Bernanke and Jim Cramer. Ben Bernanke, of course, is Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank, and Jim Cramer is America’s most famous investment personality and host of a wild and crazy TV show called “Mad Money” on CNBC.

So how do they do it? Simple. Nearly all serious investors and fund managers watch Jim Cramer’s show every night. He talks about dozens of stocks, and takes calls from many callers with questions about stocks in his “Lightning Round.” When he likes a stock, he says “Buy! Buy! Buy!” very fast, waves his arms excitedly, and presses buttons to make bullish sounds. This elicits a Pavlov-style reaction from greedy investors who rush out and begin to buy tons of that stock from people who now know their stock is more valuable. The result is that the price goes up, up, up. Sometimes he doesn’t like a stock, and says “Sell! Sell! Sell!” This makes everyone want to sell, and forces the price to go lower. But mostly he talks about stocks he likes, so on the average, the stock market goes up. Plus his show is very entertaining, which makes people happy and willing to buy more stocks and drive up the price.

Of course, it’s not as simple as that. There are some more complicated effects going on. For example, Mr. Cramer also shouts and screams and displays animated graphics and throw chairs across the TV studio and tear off the heads of bulls and plays many other funny sound effects and waves his latest book around while people shout “Boo-Yah!” over the phone. (That’s another fun part of Mr. Cramer’s show – the phrase “Boo-Yah,” like “Ditto” on the Rush Limbaugh show, means “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I am ready to believe everything you say.”) All this may sound complicated, but it works and usually helps our economy to grow. It’s a beautiful mechanism, this free market of ours.

But the stock market can’t go up forever. That’s where Mr. Bernanke comes in. Just like his predecessor, Alan Greenspan, Mr. Bernanke plays a much more subdued but potent role. He is not on television every night. He does not scream and shout and throw chairs across the TV studio and tear off the heads of bulls or play funny sound effects and wave his latest book around while people shout “Boo-Yah!” In fact, he’s very boring, but also very scary. He only comes out from his crypt for a few minutes every few weeks or months, but when he does, everyone gets very worried that he might not be happy. It is not good when he is not happy, because he is the most powerful man in the world and can do whatever he wants to the economy by changing interest rates, which determine whether companies and the whole economy will have money to grow or whether they will shrivel and die. So when Mr. Bernanke is worried that the market has gone up too much or when he’s just feeling grouchy, he comes out and says “Boo!” (well, actually he uses many more words than just that one, but they all boil down to “Boo!”) and then all investors become really scared and start selling everything so that prices go down again.

When prices go down, that is called a “correction,” and market analysts tell us that this is good and healthy, even though everybody is poorer now. But then Mr. Cramer comes back on TV and says that since everything is cheap now, it’s a great time to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” and soon everyone starts buying and the market goes back up. This is how we get cycles in the market.

Cramer and Bernanke, yin and yang, light and darkness – they are all part of one great cosmic whole, each element playing its unique role.

By |July 6th, 2006|Categories: Investing, Satire||Comments Off

Bush Threatens North Korea with Financial Payloads

President Bush issued a stern warning to North Korea today in response to the missile crisies, a warning that is expected to bring the North Koreans to the negotiating table:

“The United States is prepared to retaliate against North Korea with the full force of the United States Treasury. If North Korea will not abandon their missiles, then we are prepared to conduct precision bombing operations to deliver massive payloads of cash to enemy targets.

By |July 5th, 2006|Categories: Politics, Satire||Comments Off