In 2004, Pointless proudly announced an exciting new way to further save on your health care costs. We have purchased a special collection of videos from the Fidel Castro School of Medicine in Havana entitled, "Be Your Own Surgeon" (in Spanish, with English subtitles). Step by step instructions are provided for dozens of typical surgical procedures that you can perform yourself, either on your family members or even on your own body. Why pay thousands for a quadruple bypass when you can do it yourself for free in the comfort of your own bathtub?
At Pointless, Inc., we take employee benefits seriously. The benefits we provide for every single employee really matter to us, for they are a constant and needless drain on the health of the Corporation. To keep our Corporation secure and protect the jobs of our employees, we are always on the cutting edge when it comes to employee benefits. Take health care, for example. It has been proven that the most effective medications - the gold standards of the pharmaceutical industry - are placebos. Placebos can be effective against almost every illness, and are far cheaper than any prescription drug. In collaboration with MegaPlacebos Plus, Inc., we've worked out a special arrangement with our HMO that ensures that every patient in need of medication is given the finest and most cost-effective placebos available. And for preventative medicine, we provide low-cost placebos in all our vending machines, so employees can self-medicate whenever they want, without the hassle of a doctor visit or the expense of our $300 co-pay per visit. This is a win/win situation for all of us!
Our placebo program is bring remarkable health benefits. Since replacing all medications with placebos, our employees have become a lot healthier. For example, we used to have a lot of diabetics, but now we've got zero! And we no longer have any employees requiring expensive medications for their heart problems. Our employees aren't only healthier on the average, they've become a lot younger, too!
We're also working to help the entire families of our employees. One positive difference we're making is helping youngsters develop a healthy work ethic. By cutting health care benefits for all dependents over age 12, we've encouraged dozens of teenagers to go out and get a job so they can have the medical coverage they need.
Our employees asked for more opportunities to work out while they are out work, and we listened. Now we've instituted special mandatory exercise programs for all our employees. In winter, they each take turns shoveling snow, and in the summer, they get to mow the lawns with push mowers - not only helping their cardovascular fitness, but allowing us to cut several jobs from our grounds and maintenance crew.
Pointless, Inc. has benefits for you, too, if you are lucky enough to join our Corporation. Send in your resume now, and be sure to include the $20 processing fee.
