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Iraqi Blueprints for Weapons of Mass Destruction Found!

President Bush announced today that conclusive proof for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction has at last been found. Detailed documentation proves that Iraq had "a sophisticated program for weapons of mass destruction more dangerous than anything we had imagined." President Bush intoned, "We are no longer talking about pigments of someone's imagination. We've got the smoking gun--detailed technical drawings indicating that Iraq had working models of several advanced weapons."

According to Bush, the detailed technical document describes the function of several classes of Iraqi weapons and confirms their intended use against targets in the United States. It was found carefully concealed in what initially appeared to be a child's desk in a classroom of a Baghdad school that allegedly taught English, but which intelligence now confirms was a secret site for designing weapons of mass destruction.

Weapons of mass reduction found
Blueprint of Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction:
The Smoking Gun Uncovered

President Bush then introduced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who explained the technical significance of the document. Excerpts from Rumsfeld's comments follow:

After consulting with experts in the Department of Defense, NASA, the National Security Administration, the National Science Foundation, Haliburton and the NRA, we are convinced that what we are looking at is solid, high-level evidence showing the state of Iraq's advanced programs for weapons of mass destruction. This is the clearest evidence we have seen to date.

At least three classes of weapons of mass destruction are depicted. First, an intercontinental ballistic missile is depicted with an advanced single-stage engine and unusual asymmetric stabilizing fins, probably part of a radar-avoidance system. NASA experts confirm that the blue dotted lines accurately depict the optimum trajectory from Iraq to Washington, D.C. Such accuracy in the shape of the trajectory further confirms that Iraqi rocket scientists were preparing for long-range missile assaults on Washington, D.C. and perhaps other targets.

Second, space-based satellite weaponry is depicted in the upper right corner of the drawing. The satellite weapon apparently uses resonant amplification of polarized electron beam emissions to assault ground targets, revealing what may be the most advanced space-based weapons program that our experts have seen, a fearful reminder of what we might have faced if we had not invaded Iraq when we did.

Third and equally fearful is the depiction toward the bottom of the drawing of a single Iraqi soldier bearing what appears to be a handheld nuclear-powered synchronized plasma vortex generator for devastating large ground areas with lethal blasts of raw energy in a plasma disruptor beam. Incredibly, a single disruptor beam from one Iraqi soldier is shown devastating large portions of Mount Rushmore. A single soldier loyal to Saddam Hussein could have brought down much of any US city with such technology. Thank goodness we have put an end to such weapons programs!

There is now absolutely no doubt that we were right to invade Iraq and shut down these terrible weapons programs that threatened millions of American lives. There is the proof staring you in the face, in plain black and white.

Members of the press then questioned Rumsfeld about the document, asking if it could have been the "accidental" or "imaginative" work of a child. Rumsfeld replied that "no child he's ever heard of had the advanced scientific knowledge needed to design and deploy satellite weapons with advanced electron beam technology, much less a synchronized plasma vortex generator." He added, "The technologies shown here are beyond current capabilities of Coalition forces and bespeak a threat even greater than President Bush imagined. What Osama-loving idiot would think a child could come up with this stuff?" Rumsfeld then suggested that Homeland Security needed to investigate the loyalty of the inquiring reporters. There were no further questions.

Jeff Lindsay, Jan. 28, 2004

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