Bush Vindicated: Weapons of Mass Reduction Found in Iraq!
The US Joint Chiefs of staff were jubilant today with the long-awaited discovery of a storehouse of weapons of mass reduction in Iraq. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters that hundreds of weapons of mass reduction had been stored in a brutal terror and torture facility disguised as a trendy Baghdad health club. Though not formally classified as weapons of mass "destruction," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld insisted that weapons of mass reduction are close enough to the evidence he needed and stated that the US invasion of Iraq was now completely vindicated by the find.
These weapons were intended to have brutal biological effects on their victims, explained Rumsfeld, who showed images of the many different weapons that were found. One of the more insidious weapons of mass reduction, known to military experts as a "Nordic Track Device," could, if used on the residents of New York City, result in extensive mass reduction, literally melting away thousands of tons of fat from the thighs and abdomens of its victims, not to mention the pain and distress the victims would experience.
Rumsfeld was especially concerned about the Iraqi "Stairmaster" torture devices, which were found in abundance in the facility. "How much mass reduction these weapons could have caused among American citizens can only be speculated at this point," Rumsfeld said. "Many of these were marked in English and appear to have been designed for use against Americans, and may have been smuggled into American cities, had we not invaded Iraq."
Rumsfeld also showed photos of dozens of SmartAbs, PowerAbs, and GutBlaster devices, intended to drive biological reactions that cause severe mass reduction around the waist and stomach. Contemplating the pain and trauma such devices could have caused to Americans, the emotion-choked Rumsfeld could only shake his head and say, "Abdominal, simply abdominal."
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Bush Vindicated Again: Weapons of Grass Destruction Found in Iraq!
This secret photo shows Saddam boasting to his inner circle about his chemical weapons of grass destruction.
Hours after his troops found weapons of mass reduction in Iraq, President Bush announced yet another breakthrough in the war against terrorism. In an emergency press conference today, Bush revealed that a massive chemical weapons factory had been found north of Baghdad. According to Bush, the factory "had the capacity to make huge quantities of a vile biological agent, one of the most powerful known weapons of grass destruction." The chemical, commonly called "Agent Roundup" by bioterrorism experts, was destined for use against Americans to destroy lawns, grasslands, and economically vital golf courses. For example, Marines found plans for converting Wisconsin to a giant dessert, much like those in Iraq, by spraying Agent Roundup across the state. Bush's Department of Homeyard Security is now investigating possible connections between Iraq and US companies such as Monsanto, the source of Roundup technology. Jeff Lindsay, President of the grassroots activists organization National Lawn Care Now!, accused Monsanto of being part of a vast conspiracy among Big Lawn Care Companies, and demanded a Congressional investigation and an appearance on the Larry King Show. President Bush refused to comment, except to say that the weapons of grass destruction in Iraq should "uproot any lingering doubts about the reasons for invading Iraq, for now we can see exactly how much of threat Sod-dam was to the people and lawns of this great country."