| National Lawn Care Now! |
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| National Lawn Care Now! proudly announces its new "Got Mulch?" campaign to promote awareness of national lawn care issues. We look forward to support from Arnold Schwarzenegger and many other celebrity politicians. Stay tuned! |
Welcome to the home page for National Lawn Care Now! We are a grassroots organization working for an equitable program of nationalized lawn care in the United States. NLCN! is also an environmental group - indeed, we are the ultimate expression of Green politics, staking out new turf in the field of social justice. However, we need your help to maintain our growth in this cutting-edge area! How can you help?
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Bush Vindicated: Weapons of Grass Destruction Found in Iraq! Read today's news release (the lower half) about the chemical weapons of grass destruction that have been uprooted in Iraq. This latest roundup by the Marines shows that Bush was truly right about the Iraqi threat. |
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While driving through a neighborhood in Atlanta recently, I noticed that the homes of poor people often had small, weedy, unattractive lawns. The people on those lawns seemed tired and depressed. The only decorations were a few old vehicles on cinder blocks, void of hope and engines. Just one mile away in a wealthy area, I saw big, green, plush lawns, lawns that were being used for parties full of happy, carefree people with nice, functional cars. That's when it hit me: lawns are an extension of the home, an external projection of the quality of our inner life. The impact a lawn has on one's self-esteem can be enormous. People driving by your home won't notice and won't care about the stains on your carpet, the toys scattered across the hallway, or the dent in the wall where Uncle Henry threw the goldfish bowl. But they will see your lawn. They notice - and they judge. Boy, do they judge!
There is a world of difference in our perceptions of the two homes because of the lawns around them. The inhabitants with the poor lawn are likely to shunned socially, or to be the victims of persecution by neighbors who allege that poor lawns lower property values of the neighborhood. Ultimately, they will be denied access to jobs, education, and even health care. And meanwhile, their ever-lowering self-esteem will negate all hope and possibly leave them with no choice but to turn to a life of crime or politics.
Our agenda and our charter were carefully crafted by a nonpartisan committee representing a broad spectrum of American society and representing the nation's leading experts in lawn care policy. It was a truly diverse coalition - one that looked like America - consisting of lawyers, politicians, and agrarian reformers from nearly every state of the union. Multiple races (5), languages (7), and sexual orientations (at least 5 different kinds) were all represented. Some on the committee had lawns, some did not; some preferred fescue; others Bermuda grass; some mowed themselves, others used Congressional staffers. But in spite of all this diversity, our committee rapidly reached a unanimous conclusion: comprehensive national lawn care was needed, and needed now!
Naturally, this was not going to be your ordinary garden-variety revolution!
Our charter calls for nationalization of all lawn care industries into a single provider run by the US Dept. of Agriculture and funded through a revitalized House Bank, with generous donations from the pro-lawn Chinese Government to be warmly received as necessary. The savings in forms, advertising, and duplicate staff alone would more than fund a complete and equitable redistribution of lawns and would provide funds to guarantee that every American has access to adequate lawn care. This program may seem too utopian and visionary to have any hope, but it already has the backing of many of the most respected names in America, including Mikhail Gorbachev, three supermodels, several Hollywood celebrities, and even the performer formerly known as The King. Further, we have a list of over 100 economists and 36 TV weathermen who predict success for our efforts - if only we can get enough financial support from people like you.(And we expect Molly Yard to be joining our forces shortly.)
The Big Lawn Care Companies (BiLCC) - a network of numerous profit-oriented companies marketing lawn care services and equipment - have launched a vicious counter-offensive to destroy NLCN! These companies include landscaping organizations, national and local lawn treatment services, fertilizer companies, seed providers, pesticide and herbicide manufacturers (including many giants of the chemical industry), commercial sod growers, manufacturers of hoses, rakes, wheelbarrows, and other lawn care items. Surprisingly, our opponents even include associations of golf course owners and users, who mistakenly fear what nationalized lawn care might due to their greens.
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This counter-offensive is primarily waged as a vicious media battle to ignore us. Only the concentrated and continual exertion of numerous influential organizations, working in virtual conspiracy, could silence our numerous efforts in the national media. But we have fought back - buying ads in newspapers to publicize our goals and waging daring public awareness activities to bring our message to the grassroots level.
Don't let BiLCC destroy us! Your donations are needed now. If ever there was an issue worthy of your support, this is it.
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The secret, conspiratorial cartel of the Big Lawn Care Companies - BiLCC - has a long and seedy history. It was organized in 1772 by a powerful, wealthy French pervert named the Marquis de Sod (often misspelled as the Marquis de Sade). His wealth stemmed from his monopolistic control of lawn care services for French Royalty. The Marquis would later be sent for a short while to the Bastille for his crimes against nature, including the malicious use of chemicals on gophers in his insatiable quest for "the perfect lawn." Through a series of mergers and acquisitions, the Marquis's BiLCC cartel spread across Europe and became powerful enough to root out the French royalty, who had begun thinking about running their own lawn care service. The bloody French Revolution was not so much about liberty as it was about greed and power. Today BiLCC consists of massive multinational corporations that provide the chemicals, the machinery and equipment, and the financial services needed to establish and maintain the lawns that abound wherever wealth and power can be found. You may have already guessed that England's own Margaret THATCHer had roots running deep in the BiLCC network (with our good ally, British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw), but did you know that the secret leader of BiLCC for many years has been Sod-dam Hussein? The OPEC oil cartel, headed by our so-called "allies" in Soddy Arabia, is just one of the many octopus-like limbs of BiLCC. And international terrorism is one of their tools. It all makes sense once you dig deep enough. No wonder President Bush (such a lovely, green name!) just announced that he was enlisting NLCN! in the fight against terrorism, asking us to assist in Homeland Security by forming a special force for Homeyard Security. Osama Bin Lawnden, look out! |
As the NLCN! movement grew enough to begin mowing down our opposition with grassroots campaigns, we began to hear from thousands of BiLCC victims who finally had the courage to speak out. We were shocked to learn that our nation's lawns, misguided by the false ideologies of right-wing zealots, have become places of traumatic violence and hate. Even so-called "public" or "community" lawns and fields, such as those in city parks or at public schools, have been co-opted by forces of hate, resulting in thousands of serious injuries and millions of acts of aggression every year. Sadly, the forces of BiLCC have been profiting from our "public" lawns by turning them into centers for some of the most dangerous and hateful mob activities known to man - soccer and American football. Athletic equipment vendors and sports clothing manufacturers are actually part of the BiLCC conspiracy. They don't care that your child is damaging his or her brain every time they hit their heads against a soccer ball. They don't care about the crippling injuries your son or daughter will receive playing football. All they care about is the money they will make off your child's participation in these violent lawn-based sports. NLCN! has taken the lead in fighting for the safety of THE CHILDREN. In fact, that's what it's all about - CHILDREN. We're trying to save them and protect them by nationalizing all lawns. Once lawns are properly controlled by government, NLCN! will see that every lawn is monitored to ensure that only safe activities take place there - activities like holistic environmental sing-ins, peace-through-origami gatherings, recycling workshops, spiritual enlightenment seminars, and tofu parties. All contact sports, especially soccer, will be strictly forbidden. Remember, A NATIONALIZED LAWN IS A SAFE LAWN. Support NLCN! - we speak for the CHILDREN.
Of course, sometimes one can have too many children, just like one's lawn can grow too much. Whether you're thinking of trimming the edges, using a little herbicide to cut back on excess growth, or just rooting up a patch of weed-invested turf that never should have been planted, the analogy is clear: maintaining a healthy lawn or family sometimes means cutting back a little and removing that which is unwanted. To make sure that all children truly are wanted, National Lawn Care Now! is proud to be a partner with another cutting-edge organization for social justice, Planned Unparenthood. Planned Unparenthood lets parents and caretakers help eliminate unwanted choices and trim the turf of human population for the ultimate good of children and especially adults. And let's face it: children are great (when wanted and convenient), but they are murder on lawns. If a society wants to choose healthy lawns, they also need the right to choose Planned Unparenthood so they can execute all their choices. Retroactive abortion is not the only choice Planned Unparenthood provides. They are also proud to announce their new Michael Schiavo Clinic for Removal of Unwanted Spouses. See the Planned Unparenthood page for details on how you can get a little trim job for your own family or other burdens. Note: Planned Unparenthood will be NLCN's partner of choice in our future population reduction efforts aimed at maximizing the quality of life for humans and lawns on this planet.
Special Furby Offer for Enlightened Kids!
Now, for a limited time only, NLCN! is pleased to offer specially modified Furby® toys that speak slogans for the lawn justice movement, rather than the inane drivel that delights the uneducated masses. Our Furbies® look almost like the real thing, but bring you words of truth and power. Here's a small sampling of their many cogent phrases:
Coming just in time for Christmas: NLCN!-modified "Tickle Me Elmo" Chia Pets, Green Feminist Barbies (they mow their own lawns, thank you), and Powermower Rangers with the latest ninja-approved lawn and garden tools for weapons ("hoe hoe hoe!"). You can pay less elsewhere, but you'll never find the kind of quality we promise here - and we really mean it. Besides, no one else can offer the lawn consciousness you find in official NLCN! toys and gadgets.
The aptly-named Bush Administration is already sewing green seeds of hope in foreign nations, first tilling their soil through precision bombing, and then sending in the troops to cultivate and heal. Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran: once these were dry wastelands, but soon these will be oases of hope, pastures of endless thick green waiting for the delicate footsteps of a million armed men who will rebuild these nations by beginning at the roots, by turning the desert into luscious lawns.
NLCN! is an integral part of the Bush Administration's war on terror. Think about it: terrorist nations like Iraq, Syria, Iran, and Afghanistan contain many peoples, many cultures, many languages, and many forms of government, but they all have one thing in common--dry, barren sand and rock without a single decent lawn to be seen. Of course! These nations are angry and jealous, knowing that the US has lawns everywhere, and they don't. Global social injustice, centered about the inequitable distribution of lawns, has been the primary fertilizing factor behind terrorism.
Our plan is simple. We will build a space station manned with comet redirecting technology. The crews will use rockets and bombs to redirect the path of nearby comets to cause them to crash into terrorist nations. The impact will instantly bring millions of tons of water and nutrient-rich soil to places that once were parched hotbeds of terrorist activity. In an instant, there will be fewer terrorists and more moist soil, which will soon become beautiful lawns after planting. The remaining population will have self-esteem, contentment, and global harmony.
We also think our cometary plan will help reduce global warming as well. Talk about a WIN/WIN proposal!
Further, we see strong evidence of social injustice in means of providing lawn care. Rarely does a rich man provide lawn care for a poor family, but the poor are often found serving the rich in providing lawn care. Low-paying jobs in which the poor serve the rich include service activities such as mowing lawns, raking leaves, weed removal, and chemical lawn treatment. Social justice demands rectification!
But with a gift of just $500 or more to NLCN!, you can delay your trip to the compost pile. After receiving your generous donation, your name will be included on a list of those to be excluded from any future population cuts directed by NLCN!. Plus you'll get major discounts on NLCN! books and gifts, like our customized Chia pet Furby toy.
Frankly, the lawmakers of this country need great reform. They are not providing the services that the American people and the Environment demand. When NLCN! comes into full bloom, we will reform Congress. We will turn the LAWMAKERS of this country into the LAWNMAKERS of this country. The so-called MOVERS and SHAKERS of America will become the MOWERS and RAKERS, bringing this country together one lawn at a time. They will set an example of service by spending their time in hard labor constructing lawns for the poor and needy.
From many lawns, a single nation is united.
Kind of touching, isn't it?
Isn't it time you joined National Lawn Care Now!? Plant seeds of hope and invest in the future today! Send your check to:
And if you're compassionate enough to join NLCN!, you'll probably also want to help us stamp out world hunger. That's right, NLCN! has joined forces with the Cracked Planet of Jeff Lindsay to support his breathtaking Cracked Planet Plan to Stop World Hunger. It all starts with just one grain of rice. And the excess rice collected with this brilliant multilevel marketing scheme will be used to plant rice lawns for the poor. Ah, sweet synergy!
Are you for real? Socialized lawn care? You must be some kind of nut! Or some kind of con-artist! What this country needs is more people to tell those poor lawn deficient citizens to get off their backsides and get to work, like some of us do! I work very hard at my job and at keeping up my home and lawn. Everyone who is able and wants a nice home and lawn can do the same. We don't need welfare lawn service; we have enough welfare programs already. We don't need to encourage those who are too lazy to work at a job or their own business, to also be too lazy to work at keeping their homes.Of course we're for real - and so is NLCN! We know who you are. Next time you're out mowing down helpless grass blades on your lawn, don't be surprised if our green eco-activists show up to sow a few seeds of enlightenment your way and to trim off some of your reactionary attitudes. (But not to worry - a simple donation to NLCN! can put you on our preferred species list.)Just when I think the absurdity of some of our citizens has reached it's peak, I find YOU.
David A. feels he has seen through my nonpartisan veneer and exposed me for what I really am. His polite message is typical of the gems I receive from comically impaired conservatives (though the comically impaired liberals who fawn over my suggestions are even scarier). I preserve his spelling and punctuation, but replace a few letters with asterisks to maintain the tasteful nature of this page:
YOUR NONPARTISAN MY B***, YOUR A LIBERAL! I GREW UP WITH A BAD LAWN, IN A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD. I NOW HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LAWN , BECAUSE I WORKED HARD. NO ONE GAVE ME ANYTHING, NOR SHOULD WE, TO LAZY PEOPLE. ITS TIME TO QUIT MAKING EXCUSSES FOR PEOPLE THAT REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT AN YTHING, BUT LIVING FOR THE MOMENT. IN STEAD GIVE MONEY OR TIME TO PEOPLE THAT HAVE PROBLEMS THEY CAN'T CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!David, anyone that has time to write messages like this isn't working hard enough. Work harder, Dave, harder!
Someone known only as NCTurfGuy planted a few seeds of joy with this message from Feb. 1999:
After reading your hate filled, greedy website I felt compelled to write and inform you that as a lawn care company owner, republican, and christian you are way off the mark in your assumptions. See, it is people like you who want to use words like hate and greed to spread your social agenda. I know very few people like myself who would use these terms to describe people. We believe in God, hard work, and less government means opportunity for all people regardless of sex, color.Please let me assure you that the compassionate forces of NCLN!, once in power over our planet's lawns and other vital resources, will treat you properly and fairly, regardless of sex and color. And don't even think about trying to hide.
Here's a choice message from Tina, a hateful member of the BiLCC clan:
YOU ARE A STUPID MAN. YOU MUST BE A CROOK. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CON PEOPLE INTO SENDING YOU THEIR HARD EARNED MONEY FOR SOMETHING SO RIDICULOUS. I MANAGE A LAWNCARE BUSINESS AND I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS.Tina, I would gladly send you my detailed comments - as soon as you send me some of your hard earned money. For now, let me simply say that this is no con: NLCN! is sincerely and openly seeking for incredible wealth and power so that we can free the world of greedy capitalists like yourself. You exploit lawns for profit, exacerbating class differences and offering self-esteem only to the wealthy. That is simply wrong. Send cash and all will be forgiven.
Naturally, the green blade of truth is like a dagger to the hearts of the BiLCC gang. Here's one example from Aaron K., owner of the BiLCC-affiliate, Aaron's Lawn Care Service:
Mr. Lindsay,Credentials? You don't need credentials when you've got power. But we're still proud to have the credentials needed for our work: COMPASSION, total, unyielding compassion - compassion enough that we will sacrifice anything or anybody in our quest for power to help humanity and especially the CHILDREN.Your ideas frighten and scare me. There are those of us who work [sic - you mean exploit the underclasses] for a living who take care of lawns for people and work very hard to keep them in great shape. [sic - the lawns or the people?] I think you should get your facts straight before you try to publicize them on the web. [sic - it's Web, Aaron] I am a college educated [sic - where's the hyphen? what college was this? BiLCC Tech?] owner of a socially responsible landscape and lawn care company [sic - "socially responsible" makes this an oxymoron] and I would like to know what your credentials are. I am also a member of the Wisconsin Landscape Federation, a group who [sic] supports facts and not rhetoric. [sic - sounds like rhetoric to me] I suggest you read the facts instead using [sic] your delilussional fantasies [sic sic sic!] to spread your socialistic ideas!
Aaron K.
Owner Aaron's Landscape [serving BiLCC since 1979]
Here's a spicy tidbit from someone purporting to be Mr. B. Fagan:
Please tell me this whole web page and movement is a joke. Please tell me it's a joke.Ah, the sweet sound of stupidity. Funny you should mention it. Now, my dear Mr. Fagan, let me assure you that this is no joke. And I do not wet my bed, nor hug my trees (I even enjoy a good felling every now and then - mostly of other people's trees), nor let my heart bleed. But once we take power, you'll have plenty of reasons to stock up on incontinence products yourself. May I recommend Kimberly-Clark's Depends® brand? (The number one choice of bed-wetting victims of vast left-wing conspiracies.)Your comments on the Bush/Reagan era being the "12 years of hate and greed" are ludicrous. You're probably just another bed-wetting, tree-hugging, bleeding-heart liberal. I only saw your page from a link from Neal Boortz webpage, because your cause is so ridiculous that he mentioned it on his talk show. This is more of the typical liberal mindset of liberals not being able to stand the idea of personal wealth.... God forbid you mention this, but the reason that many "less fortunate" poor people don't have nice lawns is because they don't care the slightest about their lawns. It's not hard to upkeep a lawn, but you make it sound like only rich people have the means to upkeep a yard. It's not hard. Yes, even poor people can upkeep a lawn, but the truth is that most "less fortunate" people just don't care about their lawn.
And about all this Big Company Lawn Care crap: Your argument sounds just like the ridiculous claims that all the bed-wetting liberals, like Hillary Clinton, are the victoms [sic] of a "vast right wing conspiracy." If you only knew how stupid you sound.
On a happier note, I've just received an eloquent and courteous plea for civility from someone named James:
It would be a special place if everyone was able to have a beautiful yard. I went to Canada years ago and in certain areas our guide took us everyone had fantastic lawns and no broken-down cars.James, I hope I can be friendly and sincere about our differences. I've thought carefully about your kind words and really appreciate your input. Meanwhile, please don't do anything rash. I've made a phone call to help you. Help will be there shortly. Please don't go near the mower or any other power tools until my special friends arrive. Everything will be o.k.I read your web page and either I am not fully understanding your point or you and others don't realize that whereas you don't want some people to make money with what they are doing, others will say the same with what you are doing.
Reactionary comments to those that take the time to write shows immaturity on your part. You may want to consider answering their questions with solid facts and in a format that is friendly and sincere.
Food for thought,
James
And here's a brief diatribe from someone who seemed to be smoking grass rather than planting it (he'll be assigned to the planter class after the Green Revolution):
the last time i visited a website so pathetic as this one,,,,it was when i visited the PETA website to get familiar with what they were all about,,,,,,,,,,it really disturbs me to find that liberalism can stoop to this low of level,,,,,,,as to demand that all persons have equal lawns as pertaining to beauty and substance,,,,,,,,we all have the power to make of ourselves what we want,,,,,,and to use our own abilities,,,,,,,,,and with that,,,,,make what we want to out of our own properties and lawns,,,,,,without anybody or any organizations,,,,trying to spread us all out,,,real even,,,and fairly,,,,,,as if we were all just one big peanut butter and jelly sandwichYour liberal use of commas is just what we'd expect from a conservative reactionary: an utterly hypocritical waste of precious resources. Why won't conservatives conserve? It's up to visionaries like us to implement a Green Revolution to stop people like you from stooping to such depths of selfishness, and to help you to stoop down toward mother earth itself as you labor endless days in the People's Planting Brigade™.
There is no need to fear being treated like a sandwich. We're going to treat you like fine bread - and if you don't join us, you'll be toast.
Here's an e-mail clipping from May 2001, now part of the great compost pile of reactionary thought:
I don't give a rats a** about your lawn. Get off of your soapbox and spend your days making somebody else's lawn nicer. When you can honestly say you made a difference then you can show others how to help others, then you will have accomplished something great. You da** democrats want everybody to give you everything.... I see one common thing in democratic positions, it's all about the minority and goes against the majority. Me me me is all you talk about in policy and you you you when you want a vote or somebodys money. Think of the majority and what is good for them, then help them get what they want, and low and behold you will see what you think you are preaching for.Hmmm. You say you don't care at all about my lawn (so much for conservative compassion!), but you're ordering me to get out and help others? Conservatives condemn liberals for being compassionate with OTHER PEOPLE'S money, while conservatives want OTHER PEOPLE ("you you you") to be compassionate with their own money. Having made mulch of your utterly illogical diatribe, let me tell you the good news: we are doing exactly what you said, thinking of the MAJORITY and doing what's good for them. Once the earth becomes NCLN!'s turf, NLCN! supporters will be the majority. In fact, they will be the only ones left. 100% customer satisfaction is our goal - and it will be achieved (or else!).
Finally, one of our fine liberal friends thought he detected a flaw in the NLCN! approach:
While I understand your analogy about the rich vs poor and lawns being some sort of metaphor for the social injustice, I must ask: Why are you promoting the very thing you yourself say has chemicals and pollutants pumped into it???? Why aren't you working in cooperation with REAL green groups who are promoting natural landscapes??? Why promote something that is detrimental to the whole planet, by bringing the poor up to the level of over-consumption and pollution? This is like saying "instead of encouraging people of affluent countries to eat lower on the food chain, let's get steaks to everyone in the whole world!"May the blade of truth mow down such soddy logic! How dare you say we promote equality of greed! We stand for equality of GREEN. And green lawns are not detrimental to the planet. Lawns provide oxygen, which is an essential component in cellulose, which is needed for the printing of money, which we need to save the planet. As for greed, we are opposed to equality, in the most politically correct sense. We are taking that burden upon ourselves. The masses can't handle money, but we can and must.You have indeed noted a problem of inequity, but "equality of greed" won't work!
We have noted that our opponents are intellectual weaklings who can't face solid logic and simply resort to name calling instead. So, take that, you intellectually deficient name-caller!
And as always, NLCN! is bitterly opposed by the special interests who make huge amounts money off the lawns of the unsuspecting masses. They often claim to be "small businesses," when in fact they are money-hungry members of the powerful and vast BiLCC conspiracy. These are the kind of people whose so-called "right" to "free speech" must be rooted out by the McCain-Feingold law on campaign reform. Their hateful intolerance and dangerously narrow-minded, drug-induced, zombie-like attitude is exemplified by this actual e-mail from a BiLCC operative in Michigan, received May 2001:
As the owner of a small lawn company I have used natural fertilizers but they don't even work and as far as nationalized lawn care goes this is a complete joke this is nothing but the militia lawn style lawn care is not a right you have the right to care for your own property but if you choose not to take care of it. it is your own problem where does it say life liberty and the persuit of quality lawn care i'll tell you where no where for this is a capitalist society if you don't like that maybe you should go live in georgia(formerly russia where that kind of thing would have been taken care of but you then have to do what ever they tell you to.) Do you think that all nice lawns are taken care of by lawn companies? A lot of hard working people still come home to take care of their lawn so why don't you follow their example and get off the couch and go do somthing constructive for a changeWhen you mow do you just mow and mow and mow and never stop whether you are mowing grass or tulips or little children i hope not because there are times to stop and think between sentences and at least use a little punctuation i hope you will try it and not just make one big run-on mess in your mowing and in your life the way you do in your writing oh my goodness i've been infected with the contagious RUN-ON VIRUS and everything is looking blurry and slanted toward the right and devoid of boundaries or logic oh no i must try to disinfect help norton norton antivirus oh ... and ... and .... Capitalist pig!!!Mowing in Michigan
Whew, that's better.
Sorry. You lose. Soon we'll tell you when to get off your couch. If you can mow (we're suspicious of this claim) AND if you can adapt to the new world order under NLCN!, you may still have a job. But I'd start working a whole lot harder on refining basic skills if I were you. Just a tip.
An enthusiastic supporter from Arizona raised this compassionate question, Sept. 2003:
You have touched my heart to the point that I have decided to donate my lawn to some poor person. Since a poor person would not have the money to pay for having my lawn transported to his/her/their house, do you know of any government agency who transports lawns to poor people?Now that's a healthy attitude, thank you! Your donation will be processed shortly. The INS will send a work crew to remove your lawn and transport it to the border with Mexico, in response to complaints from many Mexican guests entering this nation that the typical routes across the border are unpleasant pathways with little more than dirt. Broad grass-covered entrance ways will be created to better welcome new guests and to make their transition into the country less traumatic.
Finally, I am shocked to see that some people think this site is about "humor" rather than a quest for raw power. One sad example comes from a person posing as "Ted" who had the gall to ask for a link to promote his highly questionable site:
I came across your site looking for potential link partners (by searching for "lawn care" on Google), and ended up spending the whole evening poking around just your site! That banner you have going on: "Enjoy the Benefits of Slavery" is absolutely priceless!! Anyway, now that your great work has distracted me from my plan for what’s left of this evening, do you want to exchange links? My site is for a wooden fire hydrant that people can buy to put on their lawn and get their dog to pee on it (called a Doggy Loo). It’s a very important product and a breakthrough in canine urology really! Let me know and keep up the excellent work. Regards Ted PS my site is http://www.doggyloo.comSorry, "Ted" or whoever you are. NLCN! has a strict non-commercial policy and has high standards of good taste. A link to anything dealing with canine urology (even in the name of improved lawn care) is one of the last things I would ever put on this page.
Press Release: Bush Enlists NLCN! to Provide Homeyard Security!
Beam to J.L.'s cracked planet.
Just One Grain of Rice: My Plan to Stop World Hunger
HISS- The Higher Institute for Safe Shooting
CUSS- The Citizens' Union for Safe Smoking
| In Feb. 2004, the wise author of "WinXPNews E-Zine" and owner of Sunbelt Software highlighted this page in his e-zine (see www.winxpnews.com). With Sunbelt shining on our turf, we expect NLCN! to prosper faster than ever. Congratulations! We've named an acre of the White House lawn after you. | |
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This page was selected as a USA Today Hot Site for Nov. 16, 1998. For me, it was instant grassification. |
 | NLCN! was a Badger Pick of the Day on Jan. 12, 2000. This famous award has a 4.5 rating out of 5, as far as Web awards go. The wise Webmaster of the award-giving Virtual Reality Mall, Scott Moody, will get one of the best lawns taxpayer money can buy once we gain power and implement our egalitarian programs. |
In April 2001, JeffLindsay.com was listed as the sole "Cool Site" link on the home page of National Review Online (one of the nation's leading magazines about politics and news). The link they provided took readers to this page, reflecting the latent revolutionary attitude of the seemingly conservative editors. Thank you!
This page was also chosen as "American Voter '96 Site of the Day" for Jan. 5, 1996. The good folks who run American Voter '96 are now at the top of the list of those to be spared from future population reductions imposed by the overseers of National Lawn Care Now!
 | This page was also awarded a Top 5% award on Jan. 17, 1996 by Point (now part of Lycos?) and was given 3 stars on June 20, 1996 by Magellan. (Only three stars, Magellan? Sure hope nothing happens to your lawn.... How is it doing, anyway?) |  |
The most impressive honor, by far, is my Top 99.9% Of All Web Sites award by Pointless, Inc., which will probably become the official corporate sponsor of the White House once this nation wakes up and surrenders control of their lawns and everything else to me and the NLCN! party.
Tragically, NLCN! has been officially listed as a "Discredible Web Page" by our BiLCC-influenced foes at - where else? - Bowling Green University, a school whose very name reminds us of their hand-in-wallet relationship with the lawn-care conspirators of BiLCC. See the sad attack, utterly devoid of logic and even adequate proofreading, at http://www.bgsu.edu/departments/journalism/J495projects/Lehmkuhle/This_site_front.htm.
Remember: No justice, no grass!