Microsoft does not have a patch for this vulnerability, and does not have plans in place to provide one, though an improved and more expensive version of Office will be announced soon that can be trusted “for sure this time,” according to a Microsoft spokesman who refused to take the bag off his head during the press conference. “For the present time,” he said, “we encourage users to avoid use of our software. Rather than risk loss of your identity or even your soul by using Word, Outlook, Internet Explorer, or any of our other leading products, it might be wise to take up bowling for the present time. Maybe some reruns on television. Reading is good, too.”

The post Microsoft Warns of New Critical Flaw in All Versions of Office: Eternal Souls at Risk first appeared on Jeff Lindsay's Site and the Shake Well Blog.

Inventories of seized terrorist supplies have been published. Never has a single roll of toilet paper been reported in their supplies. It’s clear that terrorism cannot be allowed to continue if we are to have a civilized and hygienic world.

The post They Don’t Use Toilet Paper: Why We Must Oppose Terrorists first appeared on Jeff Lindsay's Site and the Shake Well Blog.

The post Ninja-Trained Victims? first appeared on Jeff Lindsay's Site and the Shake Well Blog.

So how do they do it? Simple. Nearly all serious investors and fund managers watch Jim Cramer’s show every night. He talks about dozens of stocks, and takes calls from many callers with questions about stocks in his “Lightning Round.” When he likes a stock, he says “Buy! Buy! Buy!” very fast, waves his arms excitedly, and presses buttons to make bullish sounds. This elicits a Pavlov-style reaction from greedy investors who rush out and begin to buy tons of that stock from people who now know their stock is more valuable. The result is that the price goes up, up, up. Sometimes he doesn’t like a stock, and says “Sell! Sell! Sell!” This makes everyone want to sell, and forces the price to go lower. But mostly he talks about stocks he likes, so on the average, the stock market goes up. Plus his show is very entertaining, which makes people happy and willing to buy more stocks and drive up the price.

Of course, it’s not as simple as that. There are some more complicated effects going on. For example, Mr. Cramer also shouts and screams and displays animated graphics and throw chairs across the TV studio and tear off the heads of bulls and plays many other funny sound effects and waves his latest book around while people shout “Boo-Yah!” over the phone. (That’s another fun part of Mr. Cramer’s show – the phrase “Boo-Yah,” like “Ditto” on the Rush Limbaugh show, means “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I am ready to believe everything you say.”) All this may sound complicated, but it works and usually helps our economy to grow. It’s a beautiful mechanism, this free market of ours.

But the stock market can’t go up forever. That’s where Mr. Bernanke comes in. Just like his predecessor, Alan Greenspan, Mr. Bernanke plays a much more subdued but potent role. He is not on television every night. He does not scream and shout and throw chairs across the TV studio and tear off the heads of bulls or play funny sound effects and wave his latest book around while people shout “Boo-Yah!” In fact, he’s very boring, but also very scary. He only comes out from his crypt for a few minutes every few weeks or months, but when he does, everyone gets very worried that he might not be happy. It is not good when he is not happy, because he is the most powerful man in the world and can do whatever he wants to the economy by changing interest rates, which determine whether companies and the whole economy will have money to grow or whether they will shrivel and die. So when Mr. Bernanke is worried that the market has gone up too much or when he’s just feeling grouchy, he comes out and says “Boo!” (well, actually he uses many more words than just that one, but they all boil down to “Boo!”) and then all investors become really scared and start selling everything so that prices go down again.

When prices go down, that is called a “correction,” and market analysts tell us that this is good and healthy, even though everybody is poorer now. But then Mr. Cramer comes back on TV and says that since everything is cheap now, it’s a great time to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” and soon everyone starts buying and the market goes back up. This is how we get cycles in the market.

Cramer and Bernanke, yin and yang, light and darkness – they are all part of one great cosmic whole, each element playing its unique role.

The post What Determines the Price of Stocks? first appeared on Jeff Lindsay's Site and the Shake Well Blog.

“The United States is prepared to retaliate against North Korea with the full force of the United States Treasury. If North Korea will not abandon their missiles, then we are prepared to conduct precision bombing operations to deliver massive payloads of cash to enemy targets. North Korean targets will experience shock and awe when they see what America’s finest, the US taxpayer, can deliver to bank accounts deep within enemy borders or anywhere in the world, anytime. We want our enemies to know that we mean business. Big business.”

When asked if a military invasion of North Korea was in the works, now that they have demonstrated an intention to threaten the US with weapons of mass destruction, Bush insisted that this would be inappropriate:

“Are you crazy? They have real weapons of mass destruction. They could be a genuine threat. You think we want to aggravate an enemy like that? We’re going to rely on negotiating, backed up with the threat of massive financial firepower. We can do it. We’re prepared to put our money where there mouth is.”

The post Bush Threatens North Korea with Financial Payloads first appeared on Jeff Lindsay's Site and the Shake Well Blog.