Microsoft has admitted to another critical flaw being exploited in “zero day” attacks in all versions of Microsoft Office programs, across all platforms, apparently even more serious than other recently announced critical flaws. The newly found Darn.Me/Curse.Me backdoor trojan program, first spotted causing havoc on Whitehouse computers, allows hackers to take over computers who open documents of any kind, from any source. The program is unusually malicious, typically allowing malicious hackers to steal the identity of users or, in several documented cases, their very soul. The souls of two victims are reportedly suffering eternal damnation already after accidentally opening a document infected with the Curse.Me variant of the trojan. The White House is not acknowledging who the affected parties are, but Federal security experts note that the infection has been reported among members of Congress, the Supreme Court, the Pentagon, and the New York Times, and may spread around the globe shortly. Technical support crews have been unable to retrieve the contents of the injected souls.

Microsoft does not have a patch for this vulnerability, and does not have plans in place to provide one, though an improved and more expensive version of Office will be announced soon that can be trusted “for sure this time,” according to a Microsoft spokesman who refused to take the bag off his head during the press conference. “For the present time,” he said, “we encourage users to avoid use of our software. Rather than risk loss of your identity or even your soul by using Word, Outlook, Internet Explorer, or any of our other leading products, it might be wise to take up bowling for the present time. Maybe some reruns on television. Reading is good, too.”