Planned Unparenthood helps you reclaim your right to choose.
At P.U., we understand how difficult choice can be. It takes time, and for many, by the time they make their choice, it's too late (or so they thought!), and the unwanted fetus has left the mother's body and become an unwanted post-natal fetal growth that continues to threaten the mother's fundamental right to privacy long after birth. Other mothers or couples initially think they want to raise a family, but are not given adequate information about the trauma and pain of caring for post-natal fetuses. Only after birth, perhaps years after birth, does the choice really become clear: these post-natal fetal growths just aren't what I want. But then it's too late, right? WRONG! You can still execute all your choices - retroactively! It's called retroactive abortion, and it's your Constitutional right!
As long your post-natal fetus growth is not viable on its own, you have the right to choose whether to terminate it or not. So what does it mean to be viable? Look, if it can't feed itself, clean up after its own messes, wash its own clothes, pay its own bills and hold down a decent job, it is NOT VIABLE--end of story! This nonviable, whiny post-natal mass of cells is every bit as dependent on you as a parent as when it was still exploiting your body through an umbilical cord. The cord may have been cut years ago, but you know it is even more burdensome now. You are far less free than when you were pregnant -- shouldn't you still have the right to choose? Of course! And that's where Planned Unparenthood comes in. We help parents execute their choice to become non-parents. And in our Retroactive Choice Clinics, we use the same time-tested, judicially approved, medically safe technology used in abortion clinics, only now we are terminating post-natal fetuses. It's that simple.
Your legal right to a retroactive abortion has been affirmed by our courts repeatedly in partial birth abortion cases. Since there is essentially no difference in principle between aborting a mostly-born born fetus and a fully born fetus, you can rest assured that the courts are on your side - as long as you receive your retroactive abortion through a licensed retroactive abortion clinic sponsored by Planned Unparenthood, where our staff of helpful doctors and even larger staff of lawyers are there to protect your rights.
Planned Unparenthood's President, Eugene Icks, has said, "Choice makes America great. By choosing to eliminate unwanted elements in our society, we make America stronger and more pure." To fulfill President Icks sweeping vision of a brighter America, We are carrying this vision to all our people, especially the poor and minorities who may have been denied their right to make the right choice prior to birth.
When it comes to family planning, less is more! Get more life and less annoyance today.
When you bring your unwanted post-natal fetus to our clinic, you can be assured that it will receive the finest cradle-to-grave care possible and that your problems with that fetus will be gone forever, quickly, painlessly, and legally (already judicially affirmed, and your rights will be further strengthened by Congress pending successful passage of the Retroactive Civil Rights for Mothers Act of 2005, affectionately known as the Brady Bunch Bill). For best results, bring the mass of unwanted post-natal fetus cells into any of our conveniently located clinics as soon as possible after delivery, and certainly before that mass of cells reaches the age of 18. We accept cash, VISA, or Mastercard. Federal funding is always welcome. And be sure to ask about our cash-back bonuses if your post-natal fetus has organs that can be sold successfully on the market to help other people in need.
If you missed out on an abortion during pregnancy, you'll get a second chance with PU, the nation's leader in compassion and empowerment. Thanks to PU, it's never too late to regain control over your body! In fact, it's your Constitutional right: as long as your unwanted post-natal fetuses can't cook, clean their own room, or earn good money, they are not viable on their own and can be terminated when you wish because of your Constitutional right to privacy.
You delivered once - now we'll deliver you!
By the way, be sure to vote for your choice for our new Planned Unparenthood poster child. Choose from these candidates: Mike Tyson, Saddam Hussein, George Bush, and Rush Limbaugh, or suggest your own, and let us know your choice!
|Term||Evaluation||Meaning and Usage|
|Fetus||VALID||Proper scientific term for a tumor-like mass of unviable foreign cells that has invaded a woman's body, threatening her health, freedom, and emotional well-being if the cell mass is not terminated.|
|Post-natal fetus||VALID||Proper objective term to describe the by-product of pregnancy, the result of allowing the mass of foreign cells of a fetus to continue growing after leaving the woman's body. The post-natal fetus often imposes even greater restrictions on a woman's health, freedom, economic well being, and mental health than did the original pre-natal fetus, and often continues to do so for many years if not terminated.|
|Choice||VALID||Your Constitutional right to avoid unwanted responsibilities and undesirable consequences arising from the expression of your reproductive urges. Specifically, CHOICE means that you can get rid of an unwanted pre-natal fetus anytime during it's pre-natal phase. Further, since the courts have approved termination of an unwanted fetus essentially after birth in affirming the Constitutional right to partial-birth abortion, the obvious logical and legal extension of that principal is the creation of the Constitutional right to choose with respect to post-natal fetal matter. As long as the post-natal fetus in not viable, it's your choice, baby!|
|"Baby"||INVALID||When applied to recently delivered post-natal fetus, this is an emotional term used by right-wing hate groups to appeal to alleged instincts to nurture the newly born. These instincts are secondary to the instincts to reproduce, have fun, and be free, and are the subject of choice. If a person wishes to nurture their post-natal fetus, fine - we have no beef with that. But don't go around making those who exercised their right to choose feel guilty by talking about how cute your little "baby" is. The only proper use of the term "baby" is for adults addressing other adults in the context of seeking a mate.|
|"Child"||INVALID||An emotional term used by extremist anti-abortion rights groups to describe post-natal fetal growths, improperly creating the impression that these are human beings in need of protection or "nurturing." Remember, we aren't talking about "killing children," we're talking about enhancing the quality of your life by protecting your right to choose and safely removing unwanted, inviable, and annoying post-natal fetuses. Don't let the loaded terminology of hate groups fool you! We really hate that - and them!|
|"Murder"||INVALID||This is an emotion-laden, judgmental term used by Bible thumping extremists to end debate about the best way and time to liberate a parent from the involuntary servitude of bearing and sustaining a non-viable post-natal fetus. Don't let extremists use this hateful buzzword to condemn the personal liberation brought by state-sanctioned termination of non-viable post-natal fetal matter that can't even keep their own room clean. But remember, DO NOT attempt a liberating termination of post-natal fetal matter on your own. If you do this procedure yourself instead of through our clinics, a few particular quirks in US law could cause you serious trouble. Plus, we find that many "do-it-yourself" types, whether dealing with pre-natal or post-natal abortions, don't have the legal and medical expertise it takes to avoid unwanted complications--such as 10-20 years in the slammer for unlicensed post-natal procedures. Never do a termination on your own - stick with the friendly and affordable pros at Planned Unparenthood!|
I was surprised at how safe and painless the procedure was. I didn't feel a thing! And the decor at the Planned Unparenthood office was really cool. Nice place! Thanks for helping me get liberated and all.These unsolicited testimonials represent just a tiny fraction of the positive statements that our satisfied customers make. We hope you'll be one of out satisfied clients soon!
My 16-year-old daughter, Shelley, got pregnant and refused to have an abortion, making life a real mess for me as the grandmother. Guess who got stuck with babysitting? I took her in to Planned Unparenthood for counseling, and was surprised to find out that not only could they take care of my unwanted grandson, they could also take care of Shelley! Now both burdens are gone from my life, thanks to P.U.! Now if only I can find someone to take care of my husband.... Believe me, he's far from viable.
Wow, like I didn't think this would work cuz, like, I knew I'd go to jail if I did this myself. But Planned Unparenthood and their hot lawyers showed me that I had all sorts of constitutional rights to dump that brat of mine, 'long as I went with them, and sure enough, they were right. I kind of miss little Charlie sometimes, but not when I think about all those diapers! And with P.U.'s easy credit program, it's more affordable than you might think.
I felt really guilty about wanting to choose. The thought of terminating my three little ones made me feel like something was wrong with me, like I was some kind of bad parent and selfish and stuff like that. It was really very stressful. But after my consultation with the professionals at Planned Unparenthood, I started to realize that I was standing up for my own rights, that I was a pioneer for the liberation of men and women. Now I'm something of a folk-hero, I think. Plus I learned that with P.U.'s new organ harvesting program, other people's lives will be helped by my donation of three post-natal fetuses - and as part of their customer rewards program, the 10% commissions I received from the sale of needed organs more than paid for the cost of executing my choices with Planned Unparenthood. I'm so much better off than before, thanks to Planned Unparenthood.
I just couldn't go on raising that post-natal fetus--but I didn't dare do anything about it. I didn't understand my rights, that's for sure. Planned Unparenthood really helped me out. Guilt was a big problem, but when I heard that I was going to help lots of other people by turning Annie over for termination, I was amazed. Turns out that other people would be helped by her lungs, heart, liver, kidneys, eyes, blood - why, that little darling was just chock full of organs that other people needed! I feel like I've done my part to make the world a better place now, thanks to Planned Unparenthood. .
I talked three neighbors into ditching their kids. Now it's gonna be a whole lot quieter around this neighborhood. You're a good neighbor, P.U.! When you can process unwanted post-natal feline matter, too, please let me know. Still a problem in the neighborhood. I don't think our society is ready to fully embrace pet terminations, but thank you for the progress you're making on the human front.
Please note: If you are not the legally recognized caregiver or spouse of the unwanted person you wish to terminate, things are a little more complicated and will usually involve significant additional legal fees to get your case approved by a judge. But don't give up: we've had excellent luck in dealing with many unwanted and troublesome ex-spouses and even a bitter ex-girlfriend who kept annoying our client over a period of months. Thanks to America's judicial system, we can keep your dreams alive by burying (or cremating) your nightmares.
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Disclaimer: this page is the sole, private, satirical work of Jeff Lindsay. Please don't take any of this too seriously.
Real Disclaimer: Planned Unparenthood is not directly affiliated with or owned by Planned Parenthood. To the best of my knowledge, Planned Parenthood and most other abortion industry groups have not publicly condoned Planned Unparenthood or its business model. Any resemblance between Planned Parenthood and Planned Unparenthood in terms of name, business model, actions, profit motives, callousness, racist efforts to extinguish minorities, disregard for life, or abominations in general is purely intentional.
Created: Feb. 8, 2005