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Commercial Ninja Services

Pizza Ninja

Ninjas, though rarely seen and recognized, are a vital part of modern life, helping to quietly maintain order and avenge villains while we go about our business. But more and more ninjas are coming out, shunning the life of dark secrecy and self-deprivation, and looking for ways to play a bigger role in business, education, charities, and government. And if they make a few bucks doing it, who can blame them? Are you ready to put the power of ninjas to work for you? Look at these exciting outlets for ninja power and creativity. From lawn care to chiropractors to pizza delivery, ninjas have the skills you need.

Copyright 2003-2006, Jeff Lindsay.


News Flash: #1 Ninja Business Story of 2006:
World Cup Soccer and Ninja-Trained "Victims"

2006 World Cup Soccer - The Ninja Effect! One of the biggest ninja success stories of 2006 involves World Cup Soccer. Numerous games were determined by penalty kicks based on apparent fouls. Stunned referees were amazed to see players go flying across the field and crashing into the ground when fouled by vicious opponents. How was this possible, millions of fans wondered, when video replays often showed only minor or perhaps even no contact occurred? The answer is simple: ninja trainers taught selected players secret ninja techniques, the same kind you see in the movies, that allow a weak punch or bump to send a trained victim flying as far as 30 feet. It's not the power of the punch that does it, it's the skill of the victim - a ninja-trained victim, that is. Dokodeska's School of Ninja Theatre (see ad below) provided the bulk of the training for designated soccer victims of several nations, including France, Italy, and Brazil. Isn't time your team got the finest training available?

Are you ready to be a Ninja-Trained Victim®? Only Dokodeska's School of Ninja Theatre offers fully accredited Ninja-Trained Victim® training for soccer, basketball, football, and other sports - in addition to our related training for your Hollywood career. Become a Ninja-Trained Victim® today!


Dokodeska's School of Ninja Theatre

Ninjas - are you ready for Hollywood? You will be - once you graduate from Dokodeska's School of Ninja Theatre!

NEW FLASH! Ninja Training for Soccer Pays Off in World Cup 2010

Dokodeska's School of Ninja Theatre is pleased to highlight the success of its alumnus, Abduk Kader Keita, who showed advanced Ninja theatrical skills during their match against Brazil. With perfect coordination and lightning reflexes, Keita was able to transform a mild bump from Brazil's famous star Kaká into a nearly fatal blow to the head. Most impressively, the blow was delivered to Keita's stomach - a mild bump that occurred when Keita slowly ran into Kaká from behind. That elbow bump to the stomach sent Keita flying to the ground, both hands over his pulverized face as his writhed in pain. You can watch this Ninja-inspired theatrical moment here:

A thing of beauty! These kind of skills are essential for soccer and several other sports, and can help you and your team gain a decisive advantage, if you're tough enough to learn the discipline of the Ninja at Dokodeska's School of Ninja Theatre.

Only a small, elite group of ninjas are used in all the hundreds of ninja films made in Hollywood. Why? Because only an elite few have the skills needed for successful ninja battle scenes. These skills are neglected in most ninja training schools, but Dokodeska's School of Ninja Theatre gives you what it takes to make in onto the big screen.

Think about it: how can 10 ninjas surrounding one wounded good guy possibly be defeated? It would never happen using traditional ninja skills, but at Dokodeska's, you'll learn the trade secrets, things like:

Dokodeska's course lasts just 6 weeks, but gives you the skills and the confidence to change your life. Imagine being a regular in movie after movie! Think of the thrill of when people on the street stop you for an autograph, saying, "Hey, weren't you the guy in the ninja suit?" Listen to some testimonials:

"I just finished my first ninja movie - and I owe it all to Dokodeska. Before, I tried out dozens of times for ninja movies, but always got rejected. I had no idea why until I took the course. Good grief - before, I was always fighting to win! Dokodeska showed me how to lose every time, no matter how bad the opponent. I can't tell you what a thrill it was to be on-stage with Chuck Norris. In six different scenes, I let him decimate me with a jab from his elbow or a tap with the back of his fist. It was great - and the director said he wants me back for more!"
                              -R.S., Seattle

"Thanks to Dokodeska, I'm making literally hundreds of dollars every week acting in major ninja movies. Dokodeska took the time to help me specialize in tragically failed jump kicks - and it's really paying off. I could never have done it on my own."
                              -T.G., Fresno

"All that hard work became worth it when my five-year old son and I went to the movies to watch my first film, 'Curse of the Ninja Mummy.' Tears came to my eyes when he said, 'Daddy, is that you that got knocked down? How come you let him hit you with that pipe?' Thank you, Dokodeska!"
                              -D.D., San Diego
"It helped me draw a lot of extra fouls. When the #*@$#! refs saw me fly backwards 10 feet and land on my @*!$!#@ back, they figured someone must have shoved me real hard. Dokodeska, you really helped my acting career in the @*#@$#! NBA. I guess that's cool."
                              -D.R., Chicago
"Mille grazie, Dokodeska! You helped my team win the championship we deserved! Our victory against Australia in the World Cup would never have happened without that penalty kick I got as a Ninja-Trained Victim! I kiss you forever. Smack!"
                              -F.G., Italy
Don't miss the opportunity! Register now by calling 1-800-DIE-NINJA. Courses offered continuously in Los Angeles, New York, and Chicago. Must be at least 18 years of age with prior ninja training.


Other Fine Commercial Ninja Services:

Tamasaki's Ninja Pizza Delivery

Do you live in a tough neighborhood that other pizza delivery services won't touch? Our trained delivery ninjas will bring the pizza to your door, no matter what the risk! While we specialize in late-night inner-city deliveries, our ninja experts can handle many other situations as well - without losing a single pepperoni off your steaming hot pizza. We cover most of the East Coast and will soon be nationwide! We accept Visa, Mastercard, US dollars, and Japanese yen.

This week's special: order two large pepperoni pizzas, and receive a nunchuck FREE!

Remember, former ninjas have what it takes to deliver!


The Ninja Fashion Shoppe

Image is everything. To be the ultimate ninja, you must wear ultimate ninja fashions - available now at The Ninja Fashion Shoppe. We offer ninja fashions suited for every season and every taste.

Check out our new Watanabe line of ninja Daily-Wear. Watanabe Daily-Wear offers fashionable, easy-to-clean ninja suits that are ideal for commuters. Imagine how safe you will feel when you get on that subway wearing a ninja suit by Watanabe. Regardless of your ninja skills, your fashionable suit (available in several designer colors) warns all in sight that you are SERIOUS about self-defense, that you are a force to be reckoned with. Travel safely - and in fashion - with Watanabe Daily-Wear for ninjas. Perfect for business travelers and others who know what dressing for success really means.

Call 1-800-DRES-2-KIL to request our fall catalog of ninja fashions, or send e-mail to ninja-suit-info@ninja.fashion.com.


Ninjas for Social Justice and World Peace

Ninjas! Do you feel connected to Gaia? Do you have high self-esteem? Have you found your inner child? Do you want to kick some major butt? Then you should join the only ninja organization dedicated to world peace and social justice!

Master Hiroshi Nakoto of the chic Gokiburri Dojo in Geneva (past trainees include Cher, Michael Jackson, Al Gore, and Bella Abzug) has decided that the power of the ninja must be turned to even greater good. In conjunction with the United Nations Political and Security Council and UNESCO, he is offering his services to establish a force of 500 specially trained ninjas to help bring about social justice and world peace. Trained to be in tune with the environment and mother Gaia herself, these ninjas will enjoy "high levels of self-esteem and total personal empowerment, while being one with the Cosmic Consciousness." Many openings for qualified volunteers still exist, but you must hurry before the new ninja force is established.

Once properly in tune with Gaia and cloaked in UN blue, Master Nakoto will lead the ninja peace force on a quest to bring about social justice and world peace. "The way of peace must be taught to the leaders of fear and hate," says Master Nakoto, referring, of course, to conservative Christian leaders in America, as well as certain talk-show hosts and even a few Congressmen. The Chinese ambassador to the UN praised the plan as "a bold new step to help bring peace and prevent human rights violations."

To apply for a position on the ninja peace force, send $1000 (merely a refundable security deposit) and copies of your ninja training certificate, resume, police record, and photographic evidence of three successful attacks on unenlightened forces to:

Ninjas for Social Justice and World Peace
Master Nakoto's Gokiburri Dojo
500 Rue de Morte
CH-4400 Geneva, Switzerland


Federation of Ninja Chiropractors

Results are guaranteed when you place the fate of your spine in the trained hands of Ninjas turned chiropractors. Witness the miraculous cure evidenced by this authentic transcript of a recording from a COMPLETELY TYPICAL healing session:

Patient: My back really hurts. Can you help?

Ninja: Yes, Gaijin-san. Stare at this pebble. Good. Now concentrate. Focus your soul. You must become one with the pebble. You must be the pebble.... There. How do you feel now?

Patient: It still hurts. This isn't helping.

Ninja: Time is like a river. Even a wide flow makes delicate ripples in the moonlight.

Patient: My back still hurts! This is crazy. Keep your stupid pebble.

Ninja: If the mind is unwilling, the flesh must overcome. Brace yourself, Gaijin-san. [WHACK!] There, how is that?

Patient: OUCH! That hurt bad! Why did you do that?

Ninja: Still hurts? Your thoughts are weak. Hold on. [WHACK!] Now does it hurt?

Patient: AAAARGH! Stop that - it's killing me! This is MUCH WORSE! I can hardly move!

Ninja: The medicine is bitter when the illness runs deep. [WHACK! WHACK! THUD!] Now, Gaijin-san, how do you feel?

Patient: Hunmph.... Ooooh...

Ninja: Gaijin-san, get off the floor. Tell me, are you better now?

Patient: .... better .... yes, much better ....please don't hit me anymore - I think I'm cured - just ... let ... me ... crawl ... to the ... door.

Ninja: All better! I knew you could overcome. That will be $50.

Thousands of patients have experienced miraculous cures. No one leaves our exclusive Ninja Chiropractor Clinics unless they are completely cured - satisfaction guaranteed! No other health care service offers so much satisfaction. To subscribe to our Ninja Chiropractor newsletter, send e-mail to Majordomo@BackAttack.com.


Ninja Care for Lawns

Ninja Care for Lawns logo

For centuries the world's most beautiful lawns and gardens were found in Japan, the exclusive property of the Emperors and other elite rulers. Now, the same professionals who created and cared for those lawns and gardens are in North America, offering their services to you! They are the Ninjas of the Order of Harisaki, an exclusive group whose lightning reflexes will work wonders for your lawn! They will make your lawn beautiful without chemicals that could harm the environment.

Ninja Care can do for your lawn that no other lawn care service can. How? Listen to this description of a satisfied customer in El Paso:

"I only let the encyclopedia salesman in because he said we'd get a coupon for a month of free lawn care if we listened. When I finally saw the coupon five hours later, I was shocked to see that it was for some kind of Ninja service. What do ninjas know about lawns? I thought, as we finally got the salesman out the door. But I'll never forget the day when the ninjas came!

I remember watching as a small purple Honda pulled up to our dying, weed-covered lawn. A dozen ninjas glided out, the sun glistening on their Watanabe designer polyester ninja suits like, well, like sunshine on polyester. They surveyed my lawn for about 30 long seconds, then huddled together, almost prayerlike. Suddenly there was an ear-piercing scream like "Shibakariki wa doko deska" or something. The next 60 seconds was a blur of motion, like a ninja movie but without subtitles. Death-defying kicks, triple back flips, knives and star-blades being thrown everywhere. I could see nunchucks, aisuru swords and waja poles slicing into the grass, whirring in the air, and occasionally knocking over a bush. Then, almost as quickly as it had started, the motion ceased. Before I realized it, they were gone, and the small Honda drove off in a puff of smoke.

Before I could comprehend, I remember the striking smell of fresh grass clippings in the air. And then it hit me: the lawn! What had seemed unsightly, yellow, and sparse was now beautiful, green, and thick. Bare patches were plush. And every weed on the lawn - every single one, of hundreds - was either removed, dead, or seriously stunned. All within two minutes - it was a miracle. And I've been using Ninja Care for Lawns ever since. My whole neighborhood does now. Property values have soared - but that's not all. Neighborhood crime has dropped to nearly zero, I got promoted at work, my dog can walk on all four legs, and my husband has quit listening to country music. Now I'm the state leader for National Lawn Care Now!, making great money. Ninja Care, I owe it all to you!

We guarantee that you'll be 100% satisfied with Ninja Care for Lawns - or else. Not only will you save your lawn, you'll help save the planet by using our totally chemical free lawn care service. And best of all, all proceeds are donated to Ninjas for Social Justice and World Peace to support humanitarian efforts worldwide.

(NOTE: Ninja Care for Lawns is just one of several outstanding commercial Ninja services and service organizations endorsed by the webmaster for the Cracked Planet. The others will be listed here as soon a they catch up on their payments.)


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Curator: Jeff Lindsay,     Contact:
Last Updated: July 10, 2012
URL: "http://www.jefflindsay.com/Ninja.html"