Sci-Cops Expose the Ultimate Terrorist Threat:
The Hidden Henchmen of Hussein

On Aug. 15, 1988, Sci-Cops agents were called in to investigate a serious violation of the economic law of supply and demand. A Harvard economics student, Ralph McGuire, had just submitted a paper to the Journal of Urban Living on American trends in garage sales. As with most articles submitted to U.S. journals, a copy was forwarded to Sci-Cops by the U.S Postal Service. McGuire's analysis pointed to several unusual phenomena. For example, the number of worthless ceramic objects being sold in garage sales appeared to be growing at an annual rate of 45%, in spite of there being virtually no demand for such objects at prices above the apparent cost of manufacture. This was especially true of vegetable-shaped figurines, such as the Mom and Dad Celery Head Salt Shakers. The total number of worthless ceramic objects offered at U.S. garage sales for just pennies each in 1988 was estimated at 250 million, and today it may be over one billion. But why would anyone produce such objects if no one was willing to pay even the bare manufacturing cost? Yet the supply was growing steadily. At first the Sci-Cops agency was hesitant to pursue this apparent violation of the law of supply and demand, but the stakes got a lot higher when Mr. McGuire submitted a shocking addendum for the paper that was soon to be published. Incredibly, a thorough search of ceramic manufacturers and importers revealed NO KNOWN SUPPLIER of the vegetable figurines and other pieces of ceramic kitsch. In other words, this was more than a violation of supply and demand - it was a violation of the law of conservation of mass. Worthless ceramic works appeared to be coming from nowhere at all.

Sci-Cops had to maintain confidence in the laws of nature and economics by canceling Mr. McGuire's article and eradicating all traces of his research. Unwilling to call the whole thing a mistake, Mr. McGuire and his advisor have been relocated to the People's Freedom Factory #93 in Ching Jiang, China, where they are reported to be happily producing tennis shoes and stuffed animals for their American peers. And McGuire's advisor has finally been granted tenure - at the Dong Chao Freedom Through Labor University.

After silencing McGuire's work, Sci-Cops had to work fast to determine if natural laws really were being broken. If so, the violators had to be punished and stopped. It took several months of tough work, but thanks to the dedicated work of Sci-Cops teams and the FBI, the source of ceramic junk and many other forms of garage-sale trash in upstate New York was soon pinpointed to a single home in Rochester, where a reclusive Middle Eastern man held weekly garage sales where he virtually gave away hundreds of thousands of knick-knacks. Further surveillance finally proved that he was receiving secret shipments smuggled into New York from a shipping company with various Middle Eastern ties. Fortunately, the laws of nature were being followed - only less important U.S. laws were being violated.

Over the following months, Sci-Cops agents identified 50 other homes across the country that were receiving similar shipments. But why? And from where? It wasn't until the aftermath of the Persian Gulf War that government agents learned the truth. During surveillance visits to Iraqi factories suspected of producing nuclear weapons and nerve gas, U.N. officers were astonished to find instead huge factories producing absolutely worthless junk - Celery Head Salt Shakers, Barry Manilow serving bowls, black velvet Elvis paintings, and worse (information about neon hair dyes are provided on the related page about the Hidden Henchmen of Hussein). Documents were discovered revealing that these items were being smuggled into the United States. The Federal Government worked with the U.N. to suppress these findings while they scrambled to understand what it all meant. Sci-Cops acted on their own to understand by busting a few of the local distribution centers and interrogating the occupants in the friendly but effective Sci-Cops way, electrodes and all. One Iraqi man finally confessed, admitting that the distribution of junk was part of an Iraqi scheme to demoralize Americans and disrupt our way of life. Americans, being greedy, would surely buy almost anything if the price was low enough. By selling pure junk at garage sales, the Iraqis could introduce vast quantities of worthless products into American homes, which would cause marital stress and ultimately result in a new wave of garage sales to get rid of the junk. The junk would cycle endlessly, passing from one garage sale to the next, and during every cycle some spouse would say, "You bought what? More junk? Good grief!" The lost productivity as American held wasteful garage sales and the family stress caused by the junk would all contribute to a weakened society and a weakened GNP. As Americans became surrounded by worthless items, there would be less space for valuable items, causing harm to American industry. This was terrorism, in a sense, but not the kind with explosives. It was a quiet, subtle, but terribly perverse form of aggression: "subliminal terrorism."

Sci-Cops agents, acting as patriots, organized to infiltrate and track the work of other Iraqi agents. To their horror, they soon discovered that much more than garage sales were involved. There were actually thousands of secret Iraqi agents in the United States participating in hundreds of diverse acts of subliminal terrorism, all intended to demoralize, depress, irritate, and stress out Americans. Were it not for Sci-Cops, they might have succeeded. The foul and sinister plots of these Iraqi agents are revealed for the first time on the page about the Hidden Henchmen of Hussein, also known as Saddam's Shadow Soldiers. You can't afford to ignore the evidence, for you may already be a victim of a new and deadly threat, subliminal terrorism!

Tell me more about the Hidden Henchmen of Hussein

Introduction to Sci-Cops

Sci-Cops and the Case of the Time-Traveling Lawyers

In the Gut: Busting Mr. More-than-perfect, Jack Welch

Sci-Cops and the Trouble with Magicians

Sci-Cops and the Case of the Missing Programmer

Sci-Cops and the Case of the Healing Needle

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Last Updated: March 11, 2004

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