Iraqi Subliminal Terrorism:
The Ultimate Domestic Threat

Evidence of Hussein's Hidden Henchmen (a.k.a. Saddam's Shadow Soldiers) was first discovered by the secret government agency, Sci-Cops, a sector of the Department of the Treasury even more secret than the Secret Service. Sci-Cops are charged with enforcement of natural laws like the law of gravity and the laws of thermodynamics. When unexplainable phenomena are encountered that might threaten a violation of natural law, Sci-Cops squads of crack scientists and former professors are called in to see that the fabric of space and time remains intact, no matter what. Some now-silenced critics once said that Sci-Cops is too aggressive, too violent, too mean-spirited, but when the universe hangs in the balance, you can't play Mr. Nice Guy like the IRS or BATF.

The story of how Sci-Cops got involved in fighting this hideous terrorist threat is told on a separate Web page, "Sci-Cops Bust the Henchmen of Hussein." What's most important, though, is knowing that the threat is real, and that you may already be a victim of their shadow war against all that is good.

The Federal Government still wants to keep all this a secret, but AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW! Though he faces the wrath of the Federal Government, "Agent Zeta," the first Sci-Cop to come public, feels that he must reveal the discoveries of Sci-Cop about the Hidden Henchmen of Hussein so that Americans can defend themselves against Saddam's Shadow Soldiers before our country is destroyed, transformed into a mass of ornery, quibbling, grouchy psychopaths. The Federal Government just isn't acting fast enough to stave off the threat - but you can defend yourself, if you're informed. Read on to learn how Saddam's Shadow Soldiers operate. Organize your family, friends, and neighbors into vigilante squads to protect your community. Know the warning signs of a subliminal terrorist. Write letters to the editor, stage demonstrations, build shanty towns, burn Saddam Hussein in Effigy or other communities, anything to get the message out. America is under attack!

Please note that subliminal terrorists are not necessarily Iraqis, for many of the secret agents of Saddam are "ordinary" Americans who have been lured by wealth brainwashed into becoming agents of Saddam Hussein, serving as vile subliminal terrorists. Most of the Iraqis (and Americans) in this country are honorable people who are opposed to terrorism of any kind. But the agents of Saddam are among us nevertheless, and we must be ready. Have you already been victimized? Read on.

Terroristic Acts of Saddam's Shadow Soldiers

The following documented examples illustrate the tactics of various divisions of Iraqi terrorists, beginning with their infamous Traffic Squadron:

The Road to Hell is Paved. . . .

• Disguised as old people wearing hats, hundreds of Iraqi terrorists spend their days driving at about 20 miles per hour below the speed limit. Some of the more ruthless agents pause for 30 seconds or more at green lights. Frustration, tardiness, missed appointments and bigotry against the elderly are the result.

• As mentioned above, a special squad places loose mattresses, ladders, and chickens in the backs of rusty pick-up trucks, usually bearing Alabama or Georgia license plates. The items "accidentally" fall off the truck and onto the road as the trucks drive on busy Interstate highways during rush hour. Chaos and traffic jams result. More appointments are missed, ambulances are delayed, and pizzas arrive cold. Thousands suffer and the nation loses over 12 million man hours every year, while the Hidden Henchmen of Hussein snicker.

• Iraqi-trained diesel mechanics infiltrate shops that maintain city busses, school busses, and fleets of semi-trucks, carefully tuning the engines to produce maximum amounts of foul, black smoke wherever these vehicles go. Meanwhile, normal citizens must pay hundreds of dollars to comply with emission requirements for automobiles. Automotive angst prevails.

• Saddam's agents have infiltrated snow removal departments in many northern cities of the United States. After each snowstorm, they shamelessly use their snowplows to throw up walls of snow and ice in front of residential driveways. When possible, this is done early in the morning to demoralize people on their way to work. One Iraqi agent was inducted into the Saddamist Hall of Fame for developing a method to leave a five-foot wall of compacted snow across a driveway after as little as two inches of snowfall.

• Some Henchmen of Hussein in snow removal squads, most notably those in Wisconsin, also add potent corrosion promoters with the ordinary salt that they spew on roads to ensure that cars rust five to six times faster than normal. The economic toll on the state of Wisconsin has been estimate at $100 million a year, not to mention the greater harm inflicted on the self-esteem of Wisconsinites.

They've Got the Parking Lots, Too

Not content with merely wasting space in parking lots, the ever-tacky Henchmen of Hussein throw thousands of pounds of chewed bubble gum onto the parking lots of America every day, causing untold despair. In fact, one of the surest signs of a genuine Shadow Soldier of Sadam is that he chews bubble gum constantly. If you see a Saddamist, please call the FBI immediately!

They Want to Make Us Pour:
The Truth Behind Freshness Dating

This devious idea was developed by former assassin, Sammi Bin-Bad, who joined the subliminal terrorist movement in 1983 and has been a continued source of subtle assaults on the West. Sammi, of course, was the developer in 1984 of the much praised "Ladder Launcher" - a device placed in the back of pick-up trucks which ejects large objects such as ladders, mattresses, or cages of live chickens onto busy highways and which remains in heavy use in much of the South.

The success of freshness dating has spawned other hideous plots. In another scheme brewed by Sammi Bin-Bad, a shipment of 500,000 dangerous Iraqi styrofoam coffee cups was recently smuggled into the United States. Each cup has printing on the side saying "Turn cup over NOW to see if you are an instant winner!" These cups are showing up at fast food places around the country, placed there by the insidious Henchmen of Hussein. Have they no decency?

At Home or at Play. . .

• It's dinner time and you're ready to relax just as your phone rings. "Hello, Mr. Smith. You've been selected as a finalist in the national sweepstakes promotion by Northern Crustacean Magazine. You may have already won $50,000 cash, a new home, or a cordless dental floss recycling kit. In order to qualify . . ." As you slam the phone down, you wonder how dozens of salesmen across the country are able to call you every evening - in spite of having an unpublished number. You blame it on American greed, but in reality, all these calls come from a small corps of dedicated subliminal terrorists who work furiously to make your life is as dismal as possible.

• Why are the floors of movie theaters and sports stadiums so sticky and littered? They want you to think that your fellow Americans are all slobs. But pay attention: the few people who do all the spilling and littering and crinkling of candy wrappers during quiet scenes in movies are not ordinary Americans. These are the parking lot vandals, the snowplow drivers, the bubble gum chewers, the telemarketers and the rap music promoters that spread subliminal terror in their path everywhere they go. Many may look like ordinary Americans, but they have sold out to the dark side and have joined the Hidden Henchmen of Hussein.

• Your ready to use that new state-of-the-art program on your home computer. You open the manual and begin reading. "Welcoming our Software! To get startled, first modify OLE/DDS root drivers for asynchronous API field optimization if user install options dimensionalized heterogeneous Windows HiMem/MayHem 100 MHz in the gigabyte drive. Click YES?" All 500 pages of your manual is incomprehensible, bizarre, perhaps even demonic. Your blood pressure soars and your evening, perhaps even your whole week is shot. Has some kind of cult taken over your software vendor? No. Most likely, the real manuals to your programs were hijacked and replaced with counterfeit manuals written by Saddam's MIS Department. As in most major corporations, the terrorist term "MIS" stands for "misanthropic.

• The wedding was lovely, and now you're opening the wedding gifts. Beautiful glassware, mirrors, books, clocks, maybe even a new car - all with stickers defacing them. Price tags have been partly scraped off, but like all the other labels, the adhesive is so powerful that nothing short of hot, concentrated sulfuric acid can completely remove the sticker. You try peeling it off, scraping it off, rubbing it off, but the sticky space-age adhesive and much of the paper remains. Who on earth would put such a strong adhesive onto labels that are supposed to be removed?? Now even fresh fruit in some grocery stores is being contaminated with superstick labels. There's only one country with the chemical weapons technology and the inhuman foulness to produce such vile agents: Iraq. Once again, you've been victimized by the Shadow Soldiers of Saddam.

• Ever gone berserk while assembling a bicycle, lawn mower, or barbecue grill? Ever notice how often some crucial, tiny part is missing? The problem is not poor quality control. Hundreds of Iraqi agents from the "Some Assembly Required" squad regularly break into warehouses filled with complex assembly-required products. They remove one or two parts or replace them with similar parts of the wrong size. Result: numerous heart attacks, divorces, and alcohol binges.

• After listening to national talk shows, have you given up hope for America, concluding that most other Americans - the "typical" Americans that call in and comment - must be lunatics or arrogant, sniveling fools? Don't be fooled! Highly trained agents from Hussein's Hidden Henchmen spend their days calling into those shows where they deliberately act like mindless vegetables or arrogant, sniveling fools, just to depress and demoralize the rest of the nation. If you listen carefully, you can tell when an Iraqi agent is calling: it will sound like they're also chewing bubble gum.

• Have you noticed that many padded envelopes have padding made from what looks like waste from a vacuum cleaner bag? These "eco-friendly" packages are user-antagonistic devices, carefully designed to dump dust and lint on your clean clothes when you rip open the envelope. Care to guess where these paragons of subliminal terrorism were invented?

Subliminal Chemical Weapons: A New Tool of Terror Against the West

The threat of neon hair dye is an obvious one: make teenage rebellion even more visible, obnoxious, and unnatural, leading to massive strife and conflict within families and schools. Those who mark themselves with the hair dyes are easy prey for Iraqi agents who may then entice the troubled youth to adopt other products engineered by Iraqi terrorists, including nose rings, rap music, and cheesehead hats.

Agent Zeta's report put it this way:

Your marriage teeters as you and your spouse struggle with the guilt, the shame, the pain. Your have failed as parents, for your daughter's hair is neon pink. Green, pink, yellow - no patriotic American chemical company would make and sell such hair dyes to our precious youth. The darkest secret from the aftermath of the Persian Gulf War was the long-suppressed discovery that Iraq's largest chemical weapons factory was not producing nerve gas but neon hair dyes, part of a sinister plot to destroy the American way of life.

Piercing Us to the Very Soul - or Elsewhere

As the jet roared down the runway, urging itself into the clear, blue heavens, I was fascinated by the glints of sunlight bouncing off the vibrating metal balls that swung from the nose of the person seated next to me. I resisted the temptation to yank the balls out of the infested nostrils, realizing that my good intentions might be misinterpreted by my neighbor. I tried to be nonchalant and kind, to make conversation about non-nasal topics, to look the young man in the eyes, rather than the nose, and even to talk of faith, hope, and repentance - but it was all a sham. Not only did I lose my appetite, but soon I lost the feeling of charity that had carried me so far in my life. This young man wasn't like the other lost souls that I wanted to help - I genuinely disliked him. He was just so unlovable - repulsive, disgusting, and, well, so nasal. Surely this soul was NOT created in the image of God. Not only was I feeling uncharitable, but by the end of the flight, I began to question my faith. I had been able to accept the existence of evil and suffering in the universe, but body piercing? What could possibly drive human beings to such depths?

Feeling lost and betrayed by the cosmos, I chose not to return to the convent. I gave up my faith, started watching HBO, and got involved in multilevel marketing. I know I've gone astray, but whenever I feel like returning to the Church, the image of those moist, dangling globes hanging from those mocking, pierced nostrils haunts me. What sinister forces are behind this???

- A former nun in San Mateo, California

Saddam's motives ought to be clear to the informed reader. Through body piercing, another form of subliminal terrorism, Saddam hopes to shred the fabric of American family life and social stability. Whether it's balls dangling from a nose or a butterfly in the navel or rhinestones protruding from a slit tongue, body piercing causes distress and emotional suffering to the family members and loved ones of the pierced parties, with a net estimated economic impact of over $30 billion a year just in lost productivity, not to mention the even greater intangible cost of the emotional distress. Inspired by its disastrous social and economic impact, Saddam's Shadow Soldiers continue to promote body piercing, hoping to put holes in our pockets - and other places.

The Alarming Threat of Sonic Sabotage:
Are You a Carrier?

Have you ever been sitting in a quiet setting - a church service, a classical musical performance, a business meeting - when somebody's cheap wrist watch began beeping and beeping and beeping? Not just once, not just twice, but twenty or thirty times in a row? Every hour, on the hour, all across America, hundreds of thousands of people are annoyed, distracted, and aggravated by the senselessly loud and repetitious beeping of cheap watches. Embarrassed owners may struggle to silence the beeping, but it is futile - and most owners soon grow deaf to the sound. For years, legitimate watchmakers and electrical engineers have wondered how anybody could have been so clueless as to design such monstrously annoying devices, and businessmen have wondered why they are so inexpensive. Thanks to Sci-Cops, we now know the answer. Those beeping watches were designed by the secret Iraqi Electronics Bureau, part of the Saddam's Subliminal Terrorist Force. The sinisterly designed watches are produced by slave labor in China, a primary ally of Iraq. Millions of dollars from the Iraqi drug trade are used to lower the sale price of the watches which are then exported to the United States. They are purchased by millions of people who then cause endless distraction and irritation to others. Meetings are ruined, friendships shattered, jobs lost - and the Hidden Henchmen of Hussein score more demoralizing victories in their campaign of subliminal terrorism.

Driving Us Crazy: When Security is the Threat

Ironically, the American drive for security against crime has opened broad new avenues for criminal invasion into our lives. This is especially true when it comes to automobile security. Millions of insecure Americans now have anti-theft alarms for their cars - loud, sensitive devices which regularly go off at 3:00 a.m., disrupting sleep and annoying almost everyone - except criminals. Criminals, of course, know that a car with a car alarm is perfectly safe prey, for everybody ignores car alarms and assumes they are false. If someone is seen shattering the window of an "alarmed" car, we assume that it's probably just the owner trying to figure out how to silence the darn thing. In spite of the uncivil disruption they cause and their clear lack of value, American cars continue to be equipped with car alarms in the name of security. Unfortunately, most Americans are unaware that the original patent for the car alarm is Iraqi Patent No. 33,599, "Loud, Annoying Automotive Device for Disturbing Neighbors and Fomenting Malice," issued to Abdul Kassem on Aug. 4, 1985. It appears that heavy bribes from Iraqi agents to automotive executives have been instrumental in popularizing these Saddistic devices.

The Assault on Midwestern Values:
The Most Shocking News of All

The greatest obstacle to Saddam's plan to destroy and demoralize America through subliminal terrorism is traditional family values, like the kind of solid, no-nonsense, hard-working approach to life you find in the Midwest, especially in that former bastion of morality and virtue, Wisconsin. Saddam's strategists have have launched a powerful campaign of subliminal terrorism to make once serious Wisconsinites step down from the pedestal of solemnity to appear downright goofy. Impossible? Alas, serious damage has already been done and more will follow if we don't rise up and stop the plot before it's too late. During the 1997 Superbowl, millions of Americans laughed at the silly CHEESEHEAD HATS worn by most Packer fans. Hundreds of articles in newspapers and magazines questioned the odd Wisconsinite practice. What they didn't tell America is that the now-famous foam cheesehead hat is not native to Wisconsin at all, but was developed in 1989 by the Psychological Damage Squad of Saddam's subliminal terrorists. Cheesehead factories were then built in Wisconsin, subsidized with millions of dollars of Iraqi drug money and popularized with the Iraqi-controlled press in Wisconsin. As part of the plot, Iraqi agents had been infiltrating the NFL as referees, trained to make bad calls and infuriate fans. When the chosen season (1996-97) came, the corrupted officials made crucial calls to ensure that the Packers got an edge. Iraqi money, influence, and hit-men were used to hurt other teams and injure other players during that season, all in order to give the Packers an extra edge to propel them to Superbowl fame. Naturally, we all think the Packers would have won anyway, but now we know from recently seized Iraqi documents that having the Packers in the Superbowl was crucial to Saddam's master plan to demoralize America. There are no known Iraqi agents on the Packers staff, but the Packers were nonetheless exploited by Iraqi forces to help focus national attention on Wisconsinites wearing cheesehead hats, thus letting the Wisconsinites themselves deal a deadly blow to respect for Midwestern values. Saddam's plans call for another Packer Superbowl victory in 1998. Our best hope is to act now to boycott cheesehead hats and restore a sense of dignity to America's moral heartland.

Sci-Cops Expose the Ultimate Terrorist Threat!

Introduction to Sci-Cops

Sci-Cops and the Trouble with Magicians

Sci-Cops and the Case of the Missing Programmer

Sci-Cops and the Case of the Healing Needle

More cracked humor

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