The Case of the Healing Needle

The following text is one of several cracked cases discussed in the posthumorously released manuscript, "Memoirs of a Sci-Cop: 101 Things I Did To Save the Earth" by a former Sci-Cop known by his code name, Agent Zeta. You should have already reviewed the "Introduction to Sci-Cops".

A recent study was all over the headlines about how acupuncture could cure criminals of whatever made them such creeps. This made no sense at all. Maybe acupuncture could help relieve some nervous problems in the hands or feet, but change the thought patterns of criminals? Come on. Sounded like fraud - or else a paranormal event in violation of the laws of nature. If so, Sci-Cops was needed. And if there was a legal explanation, maybe Sci-Cops should look into acupuncture to cure violators of natural law. In any case, I received a Sci-Cops grant to conduct a controlled study and get to the bottom of the acupuncture claims.

With the help of some fellow agents, I gathered 30 recently convicted child molesters. They were all out on parole (typically with terms of 2 months to 2 years) and were fairly easy to pick up. Most of them were hanging around playgrounds or public parks. They were surprised and rather argumentative when we nabbed them, but I gave them a quick lecture on the need to advance the cause of science. Realizing that there are different schools of acupuncture with different treatment methods, I decided to create three treatment groups. One was a control group (2 people) who would receive no treatment. 14 molesters received treatment from licensed acupuncture professionals from the Loong-Pin school of acupuncture. The remaining 14 were to receive treatment from unlicensed acupuncturists. Funds were low, so I had to find a group willing to offer their services at no charge. Fortunately, when word got out about my study, quite a few volunteers came forth and offered to help for free. Some even chipped in a few bucks. By sheer coincidence, most of the volunteers turned out to be family members of those who had been victimized by the offenders.

After two weeks of treatment, the subjects were released and secretly watched for a month. The control group and the group treated by licensed acupuncturists both showed no significant signs of progress, returning to schools and parks and displaying an unhealthy interest in children. In one case, our hidden surveillance team had to break their cover in order to lecture one felon who brought an armload of pornography to a playground. On the other hand, we experienced remarkable results for the group that received therapy from the volunteer acupuncturists. Every one appeared to be virtually cured. None expressed any interest in children and none ventured anywhere near a child during the entire time of surveillance.

An important consideration seems to be the details of needle application. The latter group generally used larger needles than the licensed professionals. Results of this study may be useful to acupuncture technicians worldwide and have been submitted to several journals. We've currently got a lengthy waiting list of volunteers - and many donations - for the next phase of our study involving other sexual predators. We remain impressed with the willingness of former victims to further the cause of science.

(This study received the 1996 Sci-Cops Award of Excellence.)

Sci-Cops: Introduction

Sci-Cops: The Trouble with Magicians

In the Gut: Busting Mr. More-than-perfect, Jack Welch

Sci-Cops: The Case of the Missing Programmer

Sci-Cops Expose the Ultimate Terrorist Threat!

Details About the Ultimate Terrorist Threat!

SciCops Graphics and Photos

More (or less?) of J.L.'s cracked humor

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Last Updated: March 11, 2004

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