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Sci-Cops Episodes:
Busting Mr. More-than-perfect

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After all the work it normally takes to get a quality confession from a suspected violator of Natural Law, imagine my surprise when one of our toughest, craftiest suspects gave a confession before we had even had a chance to pick him up for questioning. It was a purely voluntary confession--and when I say voluntary confession, I mean voluntary in the traditional sense of being given without the physically compelling assistance of our experimental laboratories. No high-temperature plasma fields for this guy! He just came out and confessed on his own. In fact, he printed his confession in a book and tried to get millions of people to read it. Only a few hundred did, as best as I can figure, but it was more than enough. Way too many. And don't think that this must have been some deranged egomaniac with a death wish. This guy was proud of what he had done, and thought he could get away with it. And because of his clout and influence, he almost did.

Jack Welch, Nice Guy or Violator of Natural Law?From the Gut coverThe suspect? Jack Welch, former CEO of one of the nation's most famous and influential science-based companies, General Electric--a company so successful, that we just knew some sort of illegal cheating must have been occurring in their labs. We had our suspicions, but we never knew for sure--until the crazy CEO came out and bragged about to the world. Talk about chutzpah.

So what was this confession? You'd never believe it without photographic proof, so here it is. Perfectly legible black and white on page 334 of Welch's book, From the Gut, Welch boldly confesses to a 300% reduction in vibrations of an important money-making manufacturing processes at GE. See the highlighted section below, scanned from his book:

The Smoking Gun

That's right: Welch admits that GE reduced vibrations in a process by 300%. No wonder they were making so much money! They were operating outside the normal restrictions of Natural Law--cheating their way to economic prosperity. Many readers wouldn't grasp the significance of Welch's statement, but to every one that could comprehend even a little math, Welch's statement was a dangerous, even inflammatory call to join him in his revolution against the laws of nature.

For those who struggle with math, let me explain that 100% is the most you can take away from anything that actually exists. If I have 100 eggs, you can steal 50% of them by taking 50, or 99% by stealing 99, and if you take every single egg, you've reduced my egg count by 100%. That's the most you can take! We're not talking about the Federal budget, where Congress can spend more money than the Mafia could ever squeeze out of the country if they were the only ones in charge. We're talking about real objects, real processes, where you can't go negative. But GE had found a way, and they were proud of it--and encouraging others to follow.

Now Sci-Cops probably could demand a pound (0.4536 kg) of flesh from Mr. Welch if he had claimed to reduce vibrations by 100%, because a 100% reduction would mean ZERO vibrations, which would mean PERFECT process control, PERFECT stability, right down to the subatomic level, something scientists know can't even be achieved at absolute zero. This is a Class C violation that can put a CEO behind bars for up to three years, plus an additional twenty hours of taking telemarketing calls and, for the unpenitent, an whopping forty hours of community service on Michael Jackson's ranch. But a 300% reduction? That means vibrations less than zero--that would require negative temperatures, in violation of the Third Law of Thermodynamics. Solve a few free energy equations and you'll see that Mr. Welch's actions also clearly violate the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, the Helmholtz Formulation of the Second Law of Thermodynamics, and Murphy's Law to boot. That's class AA, the worst violation possible. Welch and his gang of natural law-breaking mobsters at GE were now public enemy Number One, and Sci-Cops was going to do something about it, by Newton. We weren't going to let politics stand in the way, like it had before.

I should give you some background here. Long before Welch's confession, we had targeted GE, amassed a file full of potential but not fully documented possible violations, mainly based on suspiciously good performance of GE electric iron we had obtained with the help of a disgruntled former research technician (the iron removed 30% more wrinkles than our state-of-the-art computer model predicted, strongly suggesting that something was seriously wrong with GE's compliance of the laws of nature). Optimistic, we planned a raid on GE headquarters to find the additional evidence we needed to nail Jack Welch and his cronies. But the raid never happened. The President himself called it off. And I was steamed. I've only voted for Libertarians since then.

Why call off the raid? Turns out this was a case that the Administration didn't want to touch with a 3.04878-meter pole. GE had greased many pockets and made many political careers on both sides of the aisle. You just don't mess with GE, at least not with Mr. Big. Sure, we pretty much knew that something fishy had been going on at GE. We had a list of leads 1.62 kilometers long hinting at alleged violations of natural law from GE, but given the political realities we faced, it had been too easy to dismiss the evidence as "inconclusive" or "hearsay." I had nearly ruled out any hope of justice, until Mr. Big himself, Jack Welch, the CEO of GE, publicly boasted of a blatant violation in his own autobiography.

Now we pretty much had enough to convict right from the get-go. To fully solidify our case, we rounded up a few disgruntled former GE employees Welch had laid off. It came as no surprise when we found many witnesses who came forth and admitted that Welch had asked some employees to give 110% to move GE forward, and that Welch himself had been giving 110% or perhaps even 120%, according to his own journal. Serious stuff. So, employees had been giving over 100%, following the example of the master criminal, Jack Welch, and Welch himself confessed in print to leading an initiative to reduce vibrations by the seemingly impossible amount of 300%. He was a Class AA violator, all right. In modern parlance, being labeled an AA Violator by Sci-Cops is sort of like falling out of favor with Homeland Security. Yeah, you get the picture: no trial, you just disappear--and pay whatever price a secret tribunal deems fair. OK, fair is not the word. Whatever price they dream up. And they can be creative!

Sci-Cops is a little more rational and orderly than Homeland Security, as much as we admire their methods and their freedom from stifling Constitutional constraints. For Sci-Cops, when we're dealing with most violators, we still have strict rules and even use some portions of the judicial system. We're nice guys, deep down. But for AA violators, the perpetrator is obviously such scum that "extra-judicial" means are needed. "Extra-judicial" is our little euphemism for a visit from our own Professor X , a "special forces" agent widely respected for his ability to fully express his frustrations about denied tenure at Harvard. Professor X is even better at getting quality confessions than I am.

But when I told Sarge it was time to raid GE, nab Welch, and close the case with the help of Professor X, I could see he was worried. Sarge thought the politically correct thing to do would be to simply start a smear campaign against Welch, perhaps by branding Mr. Welch as a racist or child molester, maybe a friend of Donald Trump, to get people to ignore his book or refuse to sell it. Sarge only wanted to suppress the book, not put away the criminal! But the book was already out, people were already reading it, and soon the truth would be known. If was bad enough that some people were learning that it was possible to violate the laws of nature. Far worse, many people were learning that they could reap huge profits by such violations, that they could become rich and famous like Mr. Welch by trampling on the legal fabric of the Universe.

Sarge was adamant. I was furious. I asked if the President had made this decision. He wrinkled his eyebrows and stuck his face into a copy of the latest edition of Astronomical Voyeur, oogling the latest deep-field centerfold from the Hubble telescope. The guy had issues. But orders were orders. Welch was off the hook, and our only actions were a few token book-burnings and roughing up a couple of bookstore executives--nothing substantial. It wasn't until much later that I learned that Sarge had received a gift of 40,000 shares of GE stock a week before the book published (oh, and some mysterious stock from Imclone and Enron as well), and that GE had donated $500,000 to both Republican and Democratic party leaders at that time. Mr. Big is still public enemy Number One in my book, at least until some GE stock shows up in my pathetic portfolio. But for now, all I can do is occasional slander about him in chat rooms.

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Curator: Jeff LindsayContact:
Created: March 6, 2004
Updated: March 6, 2004

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