NLCN! Press Release:
Washington, DC: National Lawn Care Now! has just been enlisted by President George W. Bush to expand the turf of Homeland Security to now include Homeyard Security. In a surprise announcement from the lawn of the White House, President Bush made the following statement early today:
In our fight against terrorists like Sod-dam Hussein and Osama Bin Lawnden, we can't afford to leave any blade unturned in our efforts to mow down those guys right off the turf of democracy. When it comes to finding terrorists, it's easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side of the world, but we have rich green opportunities right here at home. Now I ask, what good is it to just bomb people on the other side of the world, when we have terrorists in our own back yards - and front yards, too! We have plenty of bombing to do right here at home, but the question is, where?
Today Vice-President-for-Life Dick Cheney and I am pleased to announce a powerful new expansion of our Homeland Security program. We have enlisted one of the finest patriotic organizations, National Lawn Care Now!, to help provide America with Homeyard Security. National Lawn Care Now! brings us a specially trained network of yard informants who will keep us informed of suspicious activities in lawns, gardens, parks, and other places frequented by terrorists. Plus, in residential areas, which are known hotbeds of anti-government activity, they'll be able to distinguish patriots from enemies based on the types of lawns they have. And crews of TSA officials, with their far-reaching experience in dealing with all you prospective terrorists boarding America's passenger jets, will assist in the effort as they examine American lawns, groping and patting them down to check for suspicious bulges that might indicate some kind of threat to your lawn's security.
With the help of NLCN! and their cutting-edge methods, we'll be able to root out the weed of terrorism where it really counts - right in our own yards.
But ultimately, the grass of liberty in the yard of democracy must not be limited by political borders. We are working to grow Homeyard Security into a global effort to weed out our enemies and bring security to all. Tony Blair has already offered the services of Scotland Yard, and the Israeli's are offering the assistance of their secret intelligence agency, Mo-Sod. And naturally, we expect the full support of our allies in that vital but ironically named land, Soddy Arabia. Together, we will be able to rake out suspects all over the world and make mulch of our enemies, while trimming the risk of nukular war - I mean, nuculear war, I mean - you know, atom bombs.
Please give us your support as we move forward in this historic effort so deeply rooted in the principles of democracy and goodness. In my opinion, Homeyard Security means security for our time - at least while I'm in charge. Thank you.
Tom: Mr. Gruenkraft, you must be quite excited with the national recognition and power that NLCN! is receiving from President Bush.
Gruenkraft: Yes, Tom. We're deeply honored. But it's only natural for Bush and lawns to go together. And when it comes to lawns, nobody feels the pain of Americans better than we do.
Tom: I see. Now, Mr. Gruenkraft, how do you deal with the charges of some critics who say that your group is just a power-hungry organization with a totalitarian agenda?
Gruenkraft: Critics? Who are you talking about? I'll need names and addresses, please. There really shouldn't be any critics - unless they are supporters of terrorism.
Tom: Surely you're aware that in a land with free speech, there will always be critics for almost anything the government does.
Gruenkraft: Free speech works great in times of peace, Tom, but we've got a war on our hands, and the American people know that they have to give up some of their freedoms to have security. When it comes to the war on terrorism, we can't afford to have what you call "free speech" standing in the way of all that we stand for. So tell me, now, who are these critics and where do they live?
Tom: Well, look, let me ask another question. . . . By the way, is that a uniform you're wearing? That's an interesting brown shirt.
Gruenkraft: Thank you. NLCN! officers, when acting publicly, can be recognized by our snappy uniforms with fashionable brown shirts and green trousers. But most of our forces will not be recognizable, but will work underground - or undergrass, so to speak - serving as informants all across this great country, keeping an eye on every yard, every lawn, every park, every tree, and looking into your windows at night, too. That's the best way to bring security to the yards and homes of America.
Tom: And you think that's what Americans want?
Gruenkraft: Jawohl. I mean, yes, certainly. There are terrorist classes in our midst, and we need to be observing everyone to keep this nation pure. It's going to take a lot of sacrifice from Americans, and a lot of work from us all, but remember, when it comes to helping the government bring total security, work makes you free. So that's our agenda. We are true patriots, helping the President with his program for Fatherland Security.
Tom: You mean Homeland Security, don't you?
Gruenkraft: Yes, of course. Homeland Security for all this great fatherland of ours. For everyone, ultimately the entire world. It's our vision, and we know we can achieve it.
HomeYard Security Mottos: "You can't have a nice lawn without making mulch and burying a few bags of clippings!" and "You can't yank out weeds without hurting a little grass as well."