National Lawn Care Now!

Our Call for National Lawn Care Reform:
It's Time to Spread the Grass Around for Green Social Justice

Nancy Pelosi: Got Mulch? Nanci Pelosi supports National Lawn Care Now! NLCN

National Lawn Care Now! proudly announces its new "Got Mulch?" campaign to promote awareness of national lawn care reform. We look forward to support from Nancy Pelosi and many other green politicians. Stay tuned!

National Lawn Care Now! is a grassroots organization working for nationalized lawn care in the United States. NLCN! is also an environmental group--indeed, we are the ultimate expression of Green politics, staking out new turf in the field of social justice. However, we need your help to maintain our growth in this cutting-edge area!

Face it, America is a land on inequality, and nowhere is that inequality more obvious than in the distribution of lawns. When it comes to lawns, the rich have plenty of coverage while the poor hardly have any. Rich folks got big, plush, deep-green lawns stretching out all over their giant yards, while poor folks got tiny, crummy lawns. ACTUALLY, most of America's poor don't have any lawns at all! Over 50 million Americans have no lawn care because they are completely lawnless, holed up in apartments with nothing but concrete, tile, and carpet around them. Over 50 million lawnless Americans with zero lawn-care coverage.

Why should society care about those deprived of affordable lawns and lawn care? These millions who have been left behind by society suffer in numerous ways. They have lower self-esteem and a lower quality of life--studies show that those with large, plush lawns tend to have better education, better nutrition, larger, safer cars, and more cable channels than those without lawns. There is also a huge social justice issue here. Lawns are green, living expressions of the beauty of nature. Everyone has a fundamental right to be in touch with nature. Nature is something that nobody owns--it's a gift to be shared by all. Therefore, nobody should own lawns, and they should be shared and equally distributed by those who truly understand nature and justice. That's where we come in, the people behind National Lawn Care Now! We are here to spread the grass around for green justice and environmental stewardship for a progressive society. Millions are denied lawn care coverage right now, and that must end. With your help, it will.


"If You Like Your Lawn, You Can Keep Your Lawn!"

Doomsayers are fearful of the progress of National Lawn Care Now! They whine about "Big Government" taking away people's lawns. Let me be clear: If you like your lawn, you can keep your lawn. Nobody is going to take your lawn away from you. Naturally, in some limited cases we may need to take you away from your lawn to achieve green social justice, but that's a different matter.

Contrary to the misinformation of critics opposed to growth and reform, nationalized lawn care will allow current lawn owners to choose their own lawn care providers. It will lower costs for all, will improve the quality of lawns, will create millions of jobs, will reduce government bureaucracy, and will allow everyone to have full access to lawn care. Our plan will combine savings from government efficiency plus taxes on the richest lawn owners and those who use more than their fair share, easily providing the mere 4.3 trillion dollars needed for this program while lowering budget deficits, lowering spending, and lowering taxes on most Americans. Plus the oceans will stop rising. Global warming will abate and the earth will be green again. It will be a new era of prosperity and fairness for all.

As attractive as our program is, there is still opposition that must be trimmed or uprooted. Rich special interests (the Big Lawn Care Companies - BiLLC) hire shady people to complain at public hearings, tea parties, or talk radio. It's classic ASTROTURF! Don't believe their gangs of paid lawn care deniers. These people will cause the death of lawns all over America, leaving nothing but clods of earth. You could call them "earthers"--but the care of the Earth is the last thing on their agenda. They just want to shut down progress by shouting "NO" to the people. This is a people's movement, and you the people are needed to say "YES" so we can make national lawn care reform happen now. Join us!

How can you help?

Index to this page:

Lawn Injustice: A Key Factor in World War II

History students are increasingly recognizing that unjust distribution of lawns played an important role in drawing the United States into war with Japan. The small island nation of Japan suffers from inadequate lawns, while the sprawling United States uses far more than its share of the world's grass resources. Just as lack of a quality lawn hurts an individual's self-esteem and can lead to crime, unemployment, and irritability, so can a nation suffer from unjust distribution of lawns.

Secret Japanese records reportedly show that Japanese leaders were infuriated by America's haughty display of lawns, especially when we publicly flaunted our abundant grass resources by using copious quantities of grass as part of the apparel of dancing girls. Yes, it was the flagrant use of grass skirts on hula dancers that ultimately made Hawaii a target of Japanese wrath.

It wasn't just the green lawns and grass skirts that provoked the Japanese attack. It was also our arrogant display of advance motorized lawn equipment that drove the Japanese to destroy our manufacturing and exporting capabilities and to develop their own industrial power, especially power lawn mowers. While we won the military war, the grass battle has continued, and Japan continues to seek vengeance by, ironically, becoming the dominant producer of power lawn mowers used by Americans.

These themes are subtly documented in the famous World War II movie about Japan and the War: "Toro, Toro, Toro!" Toro, of course, refers to the now victorious Japanese manufacturer of lawn care equipment. So who really won the war?

Introduction: The Roots
of a National Movement

by NLCN! Founder, Jeff Lindsay

The Beginning: A Seed is Planted [index]

The grass is always greener . . . at NLCN!

While driving through a neighborhood in Atlanta recently, I noticed that the homes of poor people often had small, weedy, unattractive lawns. The people on those lawns seemed tired and depressed. The only decorations were a few old vehicles on cinder blocks, void of hope and engines. Just one mile away in a wealthy area, I saw big, green, plush lawns, lawns that were being used for parties full of happy, carefree people with nice, functional cars. That's when it hit me: lawns are an extension of the home, an external projection of the quality of our inner life. The impact a lawn has on one's self-esteem can be enormous. People driving by your home won't notice and won't care about the stains on your carpet, the toys scattered across the hallway, or the dent in the wall where Uncle Henry threw the goldfish bowl. But they will see your lawn. They notice - and they judge. Boy, do they judge!

Imaginings: The Seed is Watered [index]

Picture a home surrounded by dry, yellow weeds that haven't been mowed or watered ever since the era of hate and greed began under Reagan/Bush: such a lawn can only instill ill will, shrill on the nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. Now imagine that same home surrounded by a lush carpet of bluegrass, trimmed to perfection, sparkling with fine drops of morning dew glistening in golden sunlight like a field of diamonds, calling you softly with cosmic harmonies, soft, reassuring, beckoning you to lay your tired body onto its countless tiny cushions of life, where you will be renewed, invigorated, and fulfilled (warning: do check for fire ants first).Lawns for Life!

There is a world of difference in our perceptions of the two homes because of the lawns around them. The inhabitants with the poor lawn are likely to shunned socially, or to be the victims of persecution by neighbors who allege that poor lawns lower property values of the neighborhood. Ultimately, they will be denied access to jobs, education, and even health care. And meanwhile, their ever-lowering self-esteem will negate all hope and possibly leave them with no choice but to turn to a life of crime or politics.

Awakening: The Seed Sprouts [index]

As the significance of lawns sank into my thirsty soul like a Grand Epiphany, the stark truth almost mowed me over: rich people have better lawns because they can afford them, while poor people can't. In fact, not only do the poor have inadequate access to lawn care, but many don't even have lawns at all. The free market system has failed to provide a just and equitable distribution of lawns and lawn care, and with it we find an unjust, inequitable distribution of self-esteem, perhaps the most vital resource of all. And what was the cause of this problem? Greed! Especially the greed of the money-hungry Big Lawn Care Companies (BiLCC), which act like vacuums sucking up money like loose grass clippings on the lawns they pretend to care for.

BiLCC Sucking Up Your Green Cash Bags of BiLCC's Filthy Lucre

Acting: The Seedling Grows! [index]

I realized that only a grassroots campaign could resist the power of the Big Lawn Care Companies - one of the most effectively organized special interest groups ever, with representatives having infiltrated all levels of our government, all the way up to the White House Lawn itself (due, of course, to the moral laxness of the corrupt Reagan/Bush administration during the 12 Years of Hate and Greed). The Big Lawn Care Companies, which operate solely for profit, don't care about who has nice lawns as long as they get paid top dollar. The Big Lawn Care Companies will resist reform - unless our campaign is effective. So, on April 1, 1995, I and several other sincere citizens launched Nationalize Lawn Care Now!, with myself as Chairman and Treasurer.

Our agenda and our charter were carefully crafted by a nonpartisan committee representing a broad spectrum of American society and representing the nation's leading experts in lawn care policy. It was a truly diverse coalition - one that looked like America - consisting of lawyers, politicians, and agrarian reformers from nearly every state of the union. Multiple races (5), languages (7), and sexual orientations (at least 5 different kinds) were all represented. Some on the committee had lawns, some did not; some preferred fescue; others Bermuda grass; some mowed themselves, others used Congressional staffers. But in spite of all this diversity, our committee rapidly reached a unanimous conclusion: comprehensive national lawn care was needed, and needed now!

Naturally, this was not going to be your ordinary garden-variety revolution!

Our charter calls for nationalization of all lawn care industries into a single provider run by the US Dept. of Agriculture and funded through a revitalized House Bank, with generous donations from the pro-lawn Chinese Government to be warmly received as necessary. The savings in forms, advertising, and duplicate staff alone would more than fund a complete and equitable redistribution of lawns and would provide funds to guarantee that every American has access to adequate lawn care. This program may seem too utopian and visionary to have any hope, but it already has the backing of many of the most respected names in America, including Mikhail Gorbachev, three supermodels, several Hollywood celebrities, and even the performer formerly known as The King. Further, we have a list of over 100 economists and 36 TV weathermen who predict success for our efforts - if only we can get enough financial support from people like you.(And we expect Molly Yard to be joining our forces shortly.)

Inspiring: The Seedling Blossoms! [index]

Though we have been ignored by the controlled national media (influenced heavily by the power of the Big Lawn Care Companies), our campaign has been effective. So far we have had 18 successful fund raisers to call attention to the problem. As we have grown, we have been able to stage important public awareness events in several cities around the country. Examples include:

Shocking: The Herbicide Nears! [index]


The Big Lawn Care Companies (BiLCC) - a network of numerous profit-oriented companies marketing lawn care services and equipment - have launched a vicious counter-offensive to destroy NLCN! These companies include landscaping organizations, national and local lawn treatment services, fertilizer companies, seed providers, pesticide and herbicide manufacturers (including many giants of the chemical industry), commercial sod growers, manufacturers of hoses, rakes, wheelbarrows, and other lawn care items. Surprisingly, our opponents even include associations of golf course owners and users, who mistakenly fear what nationalized lawn care might due to their greens.

BiLCC includes:
+ +

This counter-offensive is primarily waged as a vicious media battle to ignore us. Only the concentrated and continual exertion of numerous influential organizations, working in virtual conspiracy, could silence our numerous efforts in the national media. But we have fought back - buying ads in newspapers to publicize our goals and waging daring public awareness activities to bring our message to the grassroots level.

Don't let BiLCC destroy us! Your donations are needed now. If ever there was an issue worthy of your support, this is it.

A Brief History of BiLCC

The secret, conspiratorial cartel of the Big Lawn Care Companies - BiLCC - has a long and seedy history. It was organized in 1772 by a powerful, wealthy French pervert named the Marquis de Sod (often misspelled as the Marquis de Sade). His wealth stemmed from his monopolistic control of lawn care services for French Royalty. The Marquis would later be sent for a short while to the Bastille for his crimes against nature, including the malicious use of chemicals on gophers in his insatiable quest for "the perfect lawn."

Through a series of mergers and acquisitions, the Marquis's BiLCC cartel spread across Europe and became powerful enough to root out the French royalty, who had begun thinking about running their own lawn care service. The bloody French Revolution was not so much about liberty as it was about greed and power.

Today BiLCC consists of massive multinational corporations that provide the chemicals, the machinery and equipment, and the financial services needed to establish and maintain the lawns that abound wherever wealth and power can be found. You may have already guessed that England's own Margaret THATCHer had roots running deep in the BiLCC network (with our good ally, British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw), but did you know that the secret leader of BiLCC for many years has been Sod-dam Hussein? The OPEC oil cartel, headed by our so-called "allies" in Soddy Arabia, is just one of the many octopus-like limbs of BiLCC. And international terrorism is one of their tools. It all makes sense once you dig deep enough. No wonder President Bush and now President Obama are enlisting NLCN! in the fight against terrorism, asking us to assist in Homeland Security by forming a special force for Homeyard Security. Osama Bin Lawnden, look out!

Nurturing: NLCN! Saves the CHILDREN! [index]

Future President Hillary Clinton supports National Lawn Care Now! NLCN!

National Lawn Care Now! has the support of current and future presidents!

As the NLCN! movement grew enough to begin mowing down our opposition with grassroots campaigns, we began to hear from thousands of BiLCC victims who finally had the courage to speak out. We were shocked to learn that our nation's lawns, misguided by the false ideologies of right-wing zealots, have become places of traumatic violence and hate. Even so-called "public" or "community" lawns and fields, such as those in city parks or at public schools, have been co-opted by forces of hate, resulting in thousands of serious injuries and millions of acts of aggression every year. Sadly, the forces of BiLCC have been profiting from our "public" lawns by turning them into centers for some of the most dangerous and hateful mob activities known to man - soccer and American football. Athletic equipment vendors and sports clothing manufacturers are actually part of the BiLCC conspiracy. They don't care that your child is damaging his or her brain every time they hit their heads against a soccer ball. They don't care about the crippling injuries your son or daughter will receive playing football. All they care about is the money they will make off your child's participation in these violent lawn-based sports.

NLCN! has taken the lead in fighting for the safety of THE CHILDREN. In fact, that's what it's all about - CHILDREN. We're trying to save them and protect them by nationalizing all lawns. Once lawns are properly controlled by government, NLCN! will see that every lawn is monitored to ensure that only safe activities take place there - activities like holistic environmental sing-ins, peace-through-origami gatherings, recycling workshops, spiritual enlightenment seminars, and tofu parties. All contact sports, especially soccer, will be strictly forbidden. Remember, A NATIONALIZED LAWN IS A SAFE LAWN. Support NLCN! - we speak for the CHILDREN.

Of course, sometimes one can have too many children, just like one's lawn can grow too much. Whether you're thinking of trimming the edges, using a little herbicide to cut back on excess growth, or just rooting up a patch of weed-invested turf that never should have been planted, the analogy is clear: maintaining a healthy lawn or family sometimes means cutting back a little and removing that which is unwanted. To make sure that all children truly are wanted, National Lawn Care Now! is proud to be a partner with another cutting-edge organization for social justice, Planned Unparenthood. Planned Unparenthood lets parents and caretakers help eliminate unwanted choices and trim the turf of human population for the ultimate good of children and especially adults. And let's face it: children are great (when wanted and convenient), but they are murder on lawns. If a society wants to choose healthy lawns, they also need the right to choose Planned Unparenthood so they can execute all their choices. Retroactive abortion is not the only choice Planned Unparenthood provides. See the Planned Unparenthood page for details on how you can get a little trim job for your own family or other burdens. Note: Planned Unparenthood will be NLCN's partner of choice in our future population reduction efforts aimed at maximizing the quality of life for humans and lawns on this planet.

Special Furby Offer for Enlightened Kids!
Now, for a limited time only, NLCN! is pleased to offer specially modified Furby® toys that speak slogans for the lawn justice movement, rather than the inane drivel that delights the uneducated masses. Our Furbies® look almost like the real thing, but bring you words of truth and power. Here's a small sampling of their many cogent phrases:

Send e-mail to [email protected] to learn how you can purchase your very own Furby toy for a surprisingly small percentage of your annual income - with all proceeds going to support NLCN! and its staff. Allow 6 to 80 weeks or so for delivery. For a small additional fee, the head of your Furby toy will be modified to also serve as a Chia Pet. Order your Chia Furby today! Just add water and watch green social justice grow before your eyes.

Coming just in time for Christmas: NLCN!-modified "Tickle Me Elmo" Chia Pets, Green Feminist Barbies (they mow their own lawns, thank you), and Powermower Rangers with the latest ninja-approved lawn and garden tools for weapons ("hoe hoe hoe!"). You can pay less elsewhere, but you'll never find the kind of quality we promise here - and we really mean it. Besides, no one else can offer the lawn consciousness you find in official NLCN! toys and gadgets.

Exposing: NLCN! reveal the truth about JFK! [index]

So-called "experts" continue to blame Oswald and Cuba and Lyndon Johnson and other minor powers for the death of JFK, while moaning about the many unknowns. Yet over and over they gloss over the one critical link exposed on actual film that conclusively solves the mystery: THE GRASSY KNOLL! The vital clue - of course! Those now sensitized to the evil designs and endless thirst for power of the Big Lawn Care Companies (BiLCC) will immediately recognize the connection between the JFK murder, the grassy knoll, and BiLCC. Not only was the grassy knoll the location of the real hit man, a BiLCC operative, but the grassy knoll obviously appears too green, too weed-free, to have been a natural lawn. It was clearly inundated with pesticides and other chemicals from the BiLCC gang, who wanted the Vietnam War to stimulate demand for their toxic chemicals in Asia. Worse yet, the grassy knoll may even have been AstroTurf - raising the whole specter of alien forces collaborating with BiLCC. Extraterrestrials, JFK, the grassy knoll, Asia, chemicals, and the White House Lawn - see how it all fits? Our chief statistician estimates the odds of all that just being a coincidence are less than 1 in 276 billion!! We realize that our lives are in danger too, but with the courage that comes from truth alone, we will stand tall on our turf. Yes, we can overthrow BiLCC and their alien collaborators (illegal aliens, at that) and perhaps even find where they're hiding the real JFK and Elvis - if only we can receive your financial support before BiLCC shuts us down. Before they try to kill us, too, won't you please make a substantial donation?

Transcending: Social Justice at Last! [index]

We'll never get to the roots of social justice if we neglect the underclasses, the people who have been trodden upon by botanically advantaged oppressor classes for so long. Though long treated like dirt or even like organic fertilizer, the underclasses will received social justice when NLCN! takes over. But how will we provide equal lawns for the homeless, the migrant workers, the illegal immigrants and other nomadic classes who are often fleeing from the troubles we have inflicted upon them (and from the police)? Our newest NLCN! team member, D.R. Burns, has offered the solution: Mobile Lawns! We're still working out the engineering details, but each homeless person and each migratory member of an oppressed class, regardless of citizenship status or criminal record, will be entitled to at least 1000 square feet of a thick, lush, mobile lawn that she or he can call his or her own, as she or he sees fit, respectively. Towing the mobile lawns around in an environmentally friendly manner may require the manual exertions of former members of the oppressor classes as we train them in the ways of green enlightenment. The concept is brilliant - thanks, Mr. Burns! "Social justice - soon to become more than just a slogan!" It will be a way of life under NLCN!

Spreading: NLCN! Thinks Globally - and Leads the War against Terrorism! [index]

Just as healthy grass spreads with time, knowing no boundaries, NLCN! is not content with staying in the confining borders of the United States. Like many of the past political leaders who most inspire us (men like Alexander the Green, Ghengis Lawn, Tamberlawn, Stalawn, Lawnin, and Mao Tse Dung) we plan on bringing the blessings of NLCN! to many nations, even the whole world. Canada, Mexico, Latin America, Europe, Japan, then all of Asia, Africa, and the rest of the world, all becoming our turf. We think globally, we act globally, and we will rule globally.

Social justice also brings security, for as we become more just, we will address the problem of terrorism at its roots--with global impact. Indeed, NLCN! offers the real solution to rooting out terror - the terror of inequality and inadequate lawn care. As much as we hate to admit it and in spite of all the other mistakes they made, the aptly-named Bush Administration led the way for true green peace. In his final days as President, George Bush announced that NLCN! would become part of his Homeland Security program, bringing Homeyard Security to America. As President Bush it, "We have terrorists in our own back yards - and front yards, too! With NLCN! and their network of yard informants, we'll be able to root out the weed of terrorism where it really counts." For details, read our recent press release. Fortunately, President Obama is treading forward on the turf of progress and is accelerating our efforts toward universal lawn care and a more progressive society.

Yes, NLCN! is an integral part of the war on "terror." Or rather, insurgency. Or rather, lawlessness. Or rather, lawnlessness. It's all connected. Think about it: terrorist nations like Iraq, Syria, Iran, and Afghanistan contain many peoples, many cultures, many languages, and many forms of government, but they all have one thing in common--dry, barren sand and rock without a single decent lawn to be seen. Of course! Can you imagine the blow to self-esteem that must have on an entire nation? And then think how they feel when we flaunt our lawns, when we show our heroes like Tiger Woods spending all their time on plush greens at private golf courses? Good grief, no wonder they all hate us! Only when we have green GLOBAL justice and resistribution of lawns will there be peace. The nations of the world need to come together and share their lawns, all nicely edged around a bold new world border. Global social injustice, centered about the inequitable distribution of lawns, has been the primary fertilizing factor behind terrorism.

Weeding: NLCN! Helps Eradicate Weeds and Especially Astroturf! [index]

There is no limit to how far the special interests like BiLCC will go to trample upon the seedlings of hope and change. There is no limit to their greed and deception. They plant weeds of fear by spreading lies about alleged "high costs" of our program. They hire cronies on talk radio to stir up hate about the reform Americans and the citizens of the world want. They contrive polls and even rig elections to achieve their hateful ends. And they plant Astroturf, the ugly, artificial, noisy weeds that show up at Tea Parties or town hall meetings to resist progress at any costs. These people can't reason, can't think, and shouldn't be allowed to vote, but someone drags them out of their cave long enough to show up and make insane demands for "lower taxes" and "less government." They hold up signs they can barely read saying "Don't tread on me." Outrageous.

Astroturf villains are also taught by their hatemasters to call in to radio shows, show up at public meetings, and regurgiate letters to the editor to repeat tired, word out "talking points" to stir up emotion. They tell hollow, contrived stories about people facing alleged difficulties because of "big government" to create fear. It's still legal, somehow, though we will change that once in power. But for now, we call upon the citizens of the world to rise and resist. How can you help? Simple. Here are some steps you can take now to resist Astroturf:

Frequently Asked Questions
About NLCN!


Isnt' this a radical socialist or communist program?

We reject your abuse of labels. This is classic reactionary hate, an attempt to poison the well by vicious fear-mongering. As Chairman Mao warned, "Reactionary forces will seek to delay the victories of class struggle by imposing a hegemony of thought using lexicography." You should be ashamed. We will see that you are shamed when the people rise up and let us guide them forward. Then you will understand our motto: We will tread on you. As Lenin said, "If you want to grow crops, the plow must first break up the clods."

Why nationalized lawn care?

Studies show that the rich have large and beautiful lawns, while the poor often have no lawns or small lawns of poor quality. This is patently inequitable and unjust, and can have traumatic effects on self-esteem and social growth. The Federal Government must step in to ensure that every American realizes his or her right to have the self-esteem that only a thick, green lawn can provide. We can't rely on the private sector, for the Big Lawn Care Companies (BiLCC) and ruthless property lords have created a system in which lawn care is simply unaffordable for millions of Americans. Through our universal lawn coverage program, free lawns and free lawn care will be provided to those who can't afford it, and we will create lush, green oases out of currently barren and ugly regions like Texas and Utah. We will do this in a way that creates jobs and reduces the deficit while making everyone much, much happier.

Further, we see strong evidence of social injustice in means of providing lawn care. Rarely does a rich man take care of lawns for a poor family, but the poor are often found serving the rich, mowing, edging, weeding, thatching, etc. And who gets exposed to all the chemicals as workers apply pesticides and fertilizers? The poor. Social justice demands rectification! Our 3,000 page bill for national lawn care reform includes provisions for work camps and others means of spreading the workload around in a socially just, politically correct, environmentally sustainable manner.

Why are lawns so important?

An attractive living environment is a fundamental right of all humans. A critical element in having an attractive living environment is one's lawn. The existence and quality of a lawn around one's place of dwelling does much to define the quality of one's life. Study after study has shown that homes with no lawns or with ugly lawns are viewed as less attractive and less valuable than those with rich, beautiful lawns. Those with beautiful lawns enjoy elevated feelings of self-esteem, increased access to the beauties of nature, and increased happiness. Lawns also provide recreational opportunities not available to those without lawns.

Isn't nationalized lawn care unconstitutional?

In a word, No. (That's a fear-mongering reactionary question, by the way. Your opposition to progress is duly noted.) Nothing in the US Constitution addresses the issues of lawns. However, the "general welfare" clause would seem to empower government to provide lawns and lawn care for all, as would the concepts of equality and the right to pursue happiness as affirmed in the Declaration of Independence. Also, the part about the need to "spread the wealth around" certainly supports the redistribution of lawns and related green initiatives.

Isn't this socialism? Isn't Nationalized Socialism what the Nazis did?

Nationalized lawn care is NOT socialism - it is agrarian reform and social justice. And anyone who has so much hate and greed as to oppose national lawn care must be a Nazi themself.

Won't your program cost billions, even trillions?

No! It will save billions. Just think of all the money lost by competition between multiple companies providing the same services - lawn care, landscaping, fertilizers, lawn mowers, lawn equipment, hoses, etc. All these multiple companies will be merged into one single provider, with a vastly streamlined efficiency. The cost savings of having a single provider will save enough money to more than pay for nationalized lawn care, and will also provide many billions of additional funds for national debt reduction. We've got the charts and figures to prove it, and several economists have verified our statistics. We are not just making this up, as representatives of the Big Lawn Care Companies often claim.

What about professors and lawn experts who say your idea is nuts?

We have checked into the background of these people and have concluded that every one of our critics is tied in some way to the Big Lawn Care Companies. No one has been able to find a single example of an unbiased expert in lawn care who is critical of our proposal. In fact, we have found that every public critic of our program is biased and probably influenced by BiLCC. Our opposition is powerful, but truth will prevail.

What about crowded places like New York City? No way can everybody have a lawn there.

Good question! Overpopulation in some cities is definitely a problem. Not only does the high population density cause stress, crime, disease, and Madonna concerts, but it also damages the environment and makes it impossible for adequate lawns to grow. The solution, which we call "Operation Round-Up", is simple: excess population must be weeded out to establish a sustainable economy and a sustainable ecosystem. Manhattan, for example, would support a sustainable ecosystem with adequate lawns for all if the population were brought down slightly to about 50,000 people or less. Excess population needs to be cut, not simply shifted elsewhere. There are humane ways of achieving this, in spite of the hateful propaganda spewed out by BiLCC and their allies (especially the Radical Christian Right). Major cuts in population may not be popular in some areas, but we need to have the courage to make the tough decisions necessary for the good of the world. As a future Nobel Peace Prize winner (me, as a matter of fact) once said, "If you want a great lawn, you've got to cut some grass. Someday everyone becomes part of the clippings in the great compost pile of life." The holistic green gestalt of lawn care and population enhancement is summed up by one of our slogans at NLCN!:

"Be the Best
Weed the Rest."

But with a gift of just $500 or more to NLCN!, you can delay your trip to the compost pile. After receiving your generous donation, your name will be included on a list of those to be excluded from any future population cuts directed by NLCN!. Plus you'll get major discounts on NLCN! books and gifts, like our customized Chia pet Furby toy.

What about winter? In some parts of the country, lawns aren't even visible for three or more months a year.

That's right! And winter is precisely the time when the most suicides occur - obviously correlated to the lack of access to rich, green lawns, an essential factor for quality of life. Our long-term program will not only provide every American family (as well as legally unrecognized immigrants) with a healthy lawn, but we will also provide biodomes (like greenhouses) for those in northern climates to ensure that they have year-round access to green lawns. This increases the cost of our program slightly, but the savings in human productivity by reducing suicide and increasing the quality of life will more than cover the small investment cost and will also do much to reduce the national debt.

Isn't this whole program just a scam to get lots of money from gullible people?

No. Our only desire is social justice, environmental responsibility, and equal lawns for all. Our goals are ambitious - and our opposition is powerful. That's why need lots of money.

Isn't Jeff Lindsay the same guy who founded National Car Care Now!, National Computer Care Now!, and National Pet Care Now! - all of which were shut down by the Federal Government for extensive wrongdoing such as the operation of a satirical organization without a permit?

I have no idea what you're talking about. That's the kind of hate and lies spread by radio talk shows.

Do you have the support of Congress?

We think so, and they are currently crafting at 3,000-page bill that we believe will be an adequate foundation for lawn care reform. But even if Congress fails to do what's right, we've got the support of Federal judges, and many times that's all the support you need in this great democracy of ours. Once they have decreed that national lawn care is a Constitutional right based on the 14th amendment and others, as needed, Congress will have no choice but to comply with our agenda. But still, we also expect the full support of Congress, unless our agents of green reform get voted out by BiLCC and their Astroturf voters who resist democracy at every chance.

Frankly, the lawmakers of this country need great reform. They are not providing the services that the American people and the Environment demand. When NLCN! comes into full bloom, we will reform Congress. We will turn the LAWMAKERS of this country into the LAWNMAKERS of this country. The so-called MOVERS and SHAKERS of America will become the MOWERS and RAKERS, bringing this country together one lawn at a time. They will set an example of service by spending their time in hard labor constructing lawns for the poor and needy.

From many seeds, a single lawn is brought together.
From many lawns, a single nation is united.

Kind of touching, isn't it?

I need some grass, man. Can you help?

Yes! Grass will be freely distributed to all under NLCN! rule.

Can I smoke it?

Yes, but we recommend you don't inhale.

Join us! [index]

Isn't it time you joined National Lawn Care Now!? Plant seeds of hope and invest in the future today! Send your check to:

National Lawn Care Now!
Suite 2500!
20 Diane Lane!
Appleton, WI 54915!

Become a National Lawn Care Volunteer

Making all the lawns of the country become plush and green and equal will take many hours of labor. Even with all the taxes we need to impose for NLCN! programs, we still won't be able to hire people to do all of the actual lawn care work. That's why we must establish an army of volunteers, millions of them who freely give their time each weekend caring for our nations lawns and serving as lawn monitors and lawn mentors to protect and enrich OUR CHILDREN. Sadly, the greed and hate inspired by BiLCC and by conservatives in general has caused a crisis in volunteerism. Not to worry! NLCN! will implement compulsory volunteer service to ensure that every American fulfills his or her duties as a citizen, giving something back every week to the lawns that truly belong to all of us. But there's no need to wait until it's mandatory - you can enlist now as a volunteer for NLCN!

And if you're compassionate enough to join NLCN!, you'll probably also want to help us stamp out world hunger. That's right, NLCN! has joined forces with the Cracked Planet of Jeff Lindsay to support his breathtaking Cracked Planet Plan to Stop World Hunger. It all starts with just one grain of rice. And the excess rice collected with this brilliant multilevel marketing scheme will be used to plant rice lawns for the poor. Ah, sweet synergy!

NLCN! Preferred Donors

NLCN! is supported by charitable donations from many visionary individuals and reputable organizations, including Ninja Care for Lawns.

Ninja Care for Lawns logo

The NLCN! Mental Health Prevention Workshop

I receive frequent e-mail from outraged Web surfers who fail to appreciate the magnificence of the NLCN! concept. The following example was received from someone on Dec. 16, 1996:

Are you for real? Socialized lawn care? You must be some kind of nut! Or some kind of con-artist! What this country needs is more people to tell those poor lawn deficient citizens to get off their backsides and get to work, like some of us do! I work very hard at my job and at keeping up my home and lawn. Everyone who is able and wants a nice home and lawn can do the same. We don't need welfare lawn service; we have enough welfare programs already. We don't need to encourage those who are too lazy to work at a job or their own business, to also be too lazy to work at keeping their homes.

Just when I think the absurdity of some of our citizens has reached it's peak, I find YOU.

Of course we're for real - and so is NLCN! We know who you are. Next time you're out mowing down helpless grass blades on your lawn, don't be surprised if our green eco-activists show up to sow a few seeds of enlightenment your way and to trim off some of your reactionary attitudes. (But not to worry - a simple donation to NLCN! can put you on our preferred species list.)

David A. feels he has seen through my nonpartisan veneer and exposed me for what I really am. His polite message is typical of the gems I receive from comically impaired conservatives (though the comically impaired liberals who fawn over my suggestions are even scarier). I preserve his spelling and punctuation, but replace a few letters with asterisks to maintain the tasteful nature of this page:


David, anyone that has time to write messages like this isn't working hard enough. Work harder, Dave, harder!

Someone known only as NCTurfGuy planted a few seeds of joy with this message from Feb. 1999:

After reading your hate filled, greedy website I felt compelled to write and inform you that as a lawn care company owner, republican, and christian you are way off the mark in your assumptions. See, it is people like you who want to use words like hate and greed to spread your social agenda. I know very few people like myself who would use these terms to describe people. We believe in God, hard work, and less government means opportunity for all people regardless of sex, color.

Please let me assure you that the compassionate forces of NCLN!, once in power over our planet's lawns and other vital resources, will treat you properly and fairly, regardless of sex and color. And don't even think about trying to hide.

Here's a choice message from Tina, a hateful member of the BiLCC clan:


Tina, I would gladly send you my detailed comments - as soon as you send me some of your hard earned money. For now, let me simply say that this is no con: NLCN! is sincerely and openly seeking for incredible wealth and power so that we can free the world of greedy capitalists like yourself. You exploit lawns for profit, exacerbating class differences and offering self-esteem only to the wealthy. That is simply wrong. Send cash and all will be forgiven.

Naturally, the green blade of truth is like a dagger to the hearts of the BiLCC gang. Here's one example from Aaron K., owner of the BiLCC-affiliate, Aaron's Lawn Care Service:

Mr. Lindsay,

Your ideas frighten and scare me. There are those of us who work [sic - you mean exploit the underclasses] for a living who take care of lawns for people and work very hard to keep them in great shape. [sic - the lawns or the people?] I think you should get your facts straight before you try to publicize them on the web. [sic - it's Web, Aaron] I am a college educated [sic - where's the hyphen? what college was this? BiLCC Tech?] owner of a socially responsible landscape and lawn care company [sic - "socially responsible" makes this an oxymoron] and I would like to know what your credentials are. I am also a member of the Wisconsin Landscape Federation, a group who [sic] supports facts and not rhetoric. [sic - sounds like rhetoric to me] I suggest you read the facts instead using [sic] your delilussional fantasies [sic sic sic!] to spread your socialistic ideas!

Aaron K.
Owner Aaron's Landscape [serving BiLCC since 1979]

Credentials? You don't need credentials when you've got power. But we're still proud to have the credentials needed for our work: COMPASSION, total, unyielding compassion - compassion enough that we will sacrifice anything or anybody in our quest for power to help humanity and especially the CHILDREN.

Here's a spicy tidbit from someone purporting to be Mr. B. Fagan:

Please tell me this whole web page and movement is a joke. Please tell me it's a joke.

Your comments on the Bush/Reagan era being the "12 years of hate and greed" are ludicrous. You're probably just another bed-wetting, tree-hugging, bleeding-heart liberal. I only saw your page from a link from Neal Boortz webpage, because your cause is so ridiculous that he mentioned it on his talk show. This is more of the typical liberal mindset of liberals not being able to stand the idea of personal wealth.... God forbid you mention this, but the reason that many "less fortunate" poor people don't have nice lawns is because they don't care the slightest about their lawns. It's not hard to upkeep a lawn, but you make it sound like only rich people have the means to upkeep a yard. It's not hard. Yes, even poor people can upkeep a lawn, but the truth is that most "less fortunate" people just don't care about their lawn.

And about all this Big Company Lawn Care crap: Your argument sounds just like the ridiculous claims that all the bed-wetting liberals, like Hillary Clinton, are the victoms [sic] of a "vast right wing conspiracy." If you only knew how stupid you sound.

Ah, the sweet sound of stupidity. Funny you should mention it. Now, my dear Mr. Fagan, let me assure you that this is no joke. And I do not wet my bed, nor hug my trees (I even enjoy a good felling every now and then - mostly of other people's trees), nor let my heart bleed. But once we take power, you'll have plenty of reasons to stock up on incontinence products yourself. May I recommend Kimberly-Clark's Depends® brand? (The number one choice of bed-wetting victims of vast left-wing conspiracies.)

On a happier note, I've just received an eloquent and courteous plea for civility from someone named James:

It would be a special place if everyone was able to have a beautiful yard. I went to Canada years ago and in certain areas our guide took us everyone had fantastic lawns and no broken-down cars.

I read your web page and either I am not fully understanding your point or you and others don't realize that whereas you don't want some people to make money with what they are doing, others will say the same with what you are doing.

Reactionary comments to those that take the time to write shows immaturity on your part. You may want to consider answering their questions with solid facts and in a format that is friendly and sincere.

Food for thought,

James, I hope I can be friendly and sincere about our differences. I've thought carefully about your kind words and really appreciate your input. Meanwhile, please don't do anything rash. I've made a phone call to help you. Help will be there shortly. Please don't go near the mower or any other power tools until my special friends arrive. Everything will be o.k.

And here's a brief diatribe from someone who seemed to be smoking grass rather than planting it (he'll be assigned to the planter class after the Green Revolution):

the last time i visited a website so pathetic as this one,,,,it was when i visited the PETA website to get familiar with what they were all about,,,,,,,,,,it really disturbs me to find that liberalism can stoop to this low of level,,,,,,,as to demand that all persons have equal lawns as pertaining to beauty and substance,,,,,,,,we all have the power to make of ourselves what we want,,,,,,and to use our own abilities,,,,,,,,,and with that,,,,,make what we want to out of our own properties and lawns,,,,,,without anybody or any organizations,,,,trying to spread us all out,,,real even,,,and fairly,,,,,,as if we were all just one big peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Your liberal use of commas is just what we'd expect from a conservative reactionary: an utterly hypocritical waste of precious resources. Why won't conservatives conserve? It's up to visionaries like us to implement a Green Revolution to stop people like you from stooping to such depths of selfishness, and to help you to stoop down toward mother earth itself as you labor endless days in the People's Planting Brigade™.

There is no need to fear being treated like a sandwich. We're going to treat you like fine bread - and if you don't join us, you'll be toast.

Here's an e-mail clipping from May 2001, now part of the great compost pile of reactionary thought:

I don't give a rats a** about your lawn. Get off of your soapbox and spend your days making somebody else's lawn nicer. When you can honestly say you made a difference then you can show others how to help others, then you will have accomplished something great. You da** democrats want everybody to give you everything.... I see one common thing in democratic positions, it's all about the minority and goes against the majority. Me me me is all you talk about in policy and you you you when you want a vote or somebodys money. Think of the majority and what is good for them, then help them get what they want, and low and behold you will see what you think you are preaching for.

Hmmm. You say you don't care at all about my lawn (so much for conservative compassion!), but you're ordering me to get out and help others? Conservatives condemn liberals for being compassionate with OTHER PEOPLE'S money, while conservatives want OTHER PEOPLE ("you you you") to be compassionate with their own money. Having made mulch of your utterly illogical diatribe, let me tell you the good news: we are doing exactly what you said, thinking of the MAJORITY and doing what's good for them. Once the earth becomes NCLN!'s turf, NLCN! supporters will be the majority. In fact, they will be the only ones left. 100% customer satisfaction is our goal - and it will be achieved (or else!).

Finally, one of our fine liberal friends thought he detected a flaw in the NLCN! approach:

While I understand your analogy about the rich vs poor and lawns being some sort of metaphor for the social injustice, I must ask: Why are you promoting the very thing you yourself say has chemicals and pollutants pumped into it???? Why aren't you working in cooperation with REAL green groups who are promoting natural landscapes??? Why promote something that is detrimental to the whole planet, by bringing the poor up to the level of over-consumption and pollution? This is like saying "instead of encouraging people of affluent countries to eat lower on the food chain, let's get steaks to everyone in the whole world!"

You have indeed noted a problem of inequity, but "equality of greed" won't work!

May the blade of truth mow down such soddy logic! How dare you say we promote equality of greed! We stand for equality of GREEN. And green lawns are not detrimental to the planet. Lawns provide oxygen, which is an essential component in cellulose, which is needed for the printing of money, which we need to save the planet. As for greed, we are opposed to equality, in the most politically correct sense. We are taking that burden upon ourselves. The masses can't handle money, but we can and must.

We have noted that our opponents are intellectual weaklings who can't face solid logic and simply resort to name calling instead. So, take that, you intellectually deficient name-caller!

And as always, NLCN! is bitterly opposed by the special interests who make huge amounts money off the lawns of the unsuspecting masses. They often claim to be "small businesses," when in fact they are money-hungry members of the powerful and vast BiLCC conspiracy. These are the kind of people whose so-called "right" to "free speech" must be rooted out by the McCain-Feingold law on campaign reform and, of course, by HomeLawn Security. Their hateful intolerance and dangerously narrow-minded, drug-induced, zombie-like attitude is exemplified by this actual e-mail from a BiLCC operative in Michigan:

As the owner of a small lawn company I have used natural fertilizers but they don't even work and as far as nationalized lawn care goes this is a complete joke this is nothing but the militia lawn style lawn care is not a right you have the right to care for your own property but if you choose not to take care of it. it is your own problem where does it say life liberty and the persuit of quality lawn care i'll tell you where no where for this is a capitalist society if you don't like that maybe you should go live in georgia(formerly russia where that kind of thing would have been taken care of but you then have to do what ever they tell you to.) Do you think that all nice lawns are taken care of by lawn companies? A lot of hard working people still come home to take care of their lawn so why don't you follow their example and get off the couch and go do somthing constructive for a change.

Mowing in Michigan

When you mow do you just mow and mow and mow and never stop whether you are mowing grass or tulips or little children i hope not because there are times to stop and think between sentences and at least use a little punctuation i hope you will try it and not just make one big run-on mess in your mowing and in your life the way you do in your writing oh my goodness i've been infected with the contagious RUN-ON VIRUS and everything is looking blurry and slanted toward the right and devoid of boundaries or logic oh no i must try to disinfect help norton norton antivirus oh ... and ... and .... Capitalist pig!!!

Whew, that's better.

Sorry. You lose. Soon we'll tell you when to get off your couch. If you can mow (we're suspicious of this claim) AND if you can adapt to the new world order under NLCN!, you may still have a job. But I'd start working a whole lot harder on refining basic skills if I were you. Just a tip.

An enthusiastic supporter from Arizona raised this compassionate question, Sept. 2003:

You have touched my heart to the point that I have decided to donate my lawn to some poor person. Since a poor person would not have the money to pay for having my lawn transported to his/her/their house, do you know of any government agency who transports lawns to poor people?

Now that's a healthy attitude, thank you! Your donation will be processed shortly. The INS will send a work crew to remove your lawn and transport it to the border with Mexico, in response to complaints from many Mexican guests entering this nation that the typical routes across the border are unpleasant pathways with little more than dirt. Broad grass-covered entrance ways will be created to better welcome new guests and to make their transition into the country less traumatic.

Finally, I am shocked to see that some people think this site is about "humor" rather than a quest for raw power. One sad example comes from a person posing as "Ted" who had the gall to ask for a link to promote his highly questionable site:

I came across your site looking for potential link partners (by searching for "lawn care" on Google), and ended up spending the whole evening poking around just your site! That banner you have going on: "Enjoy the Benefits of Slavery" is absolutely priceless!! Anyway, now that your great work has distracted me from my plan for what's left of this evening, do you want to exchange links? My site is for a wooden fire hydrant that people can buy to put on their lawn and get their dog to pee on it (called a Doggy Loo). It's a very important product and a breakthrough in canine urology really! Let me know and keep up the excellent work. Regards Ted

Sorry, "Ted" or whoever you are. NLCN! has a strict non-commercial policy and has high standards of good taste. A link to anything dealing with canine urology (even in the name of improved lawn care) is one of the last things I would ever put on this page.

Fresh Clippings: Blades of Truth, Sprouts of News, and Mulch, Mulch More

Other odd pages on this site: [index]

George W. Bush in front of the HomeYard Security logo Press Release: Bush Enlists NLCN! to Provide Homeyard Security!

Beam to J.L.'s cracked planet.

List of J.L.'s humor pages

Index to all of J.L.'s pages

Just One Grain of Rice: My Plan to Stop World Hunger

HISS- The Higher Institute for Safe Shooting

CUSS- The Citizens' Union for Safe Smoking

Clippings from All Over