JeffLindsay.comhumorStop Smokophobia - or Die!Politically Correct PhysicsMinus Y2KNational Lawn Care Now!LDSControversiesThe Case Against Block SchedulingmagicAbout Jeff Lindsay
CUSS logo

The Citizen's Union for Safe Smoking

A message from our President, Jeff Lindsay

Our Mission:

The Citizen's Union for Safe Smoking is a non-profit organization dedicated to educating the public on safe smoking habits. Through safe-smoking education, we can save thousands of lives each year from health problems far more serious than AIDS: lung cancer, heart disease, and other problems related to tobacco use.

The Citizen's Union for Safe Smoking realizes that abstinence - in theory - may be the most effective means of reducing smoking-related problems, but it is hopelessly unrealistic since many youths and adults will choose to smoke. We must therefore face reality and educate people, especially youth, on the importance of practicing safe smoking habits. Since the health crisis due to unsafe smoking is far more serious than even the AIDS crisis, it is a matter of the highest priority. It requires a comprehensive, nationwide educational program, beginning no later than kindergarten and continuing at all subsequent levels of education. Extensive media coverage is also required to reach adults. Our safe-smoking agenda includes the following:

Proper Use of Protection for Safe Smoking

Children must be encouraged to always use a filter during smoking. The use of a filter can reduce the transmission of carcinogens without significantly reducing the pleasure of smoking. Cigarette holders with approved high-efficiency filters are strongly recommended. Teachers should show children how to use a filter. Filters and cigarette holders should be freely distributed in schools and should be made available to needy adults in order to promote safe smoking habits. In no way will such a practice encourage smoking - but for those who are going to smoke anyway, thousands of lives may be saved. The proper use of filters cannot be emphasized enough.

Basic Smoking Education

While millions of Americans choose to smoke, few have received even the rudiments of safe smoking education. Thousands of new smokers each year experiment with smoking, accidentally falling into many unsafe practices due to their ignorance. Beginning in kindergarten, we must teach children the fundamentals: how to hold a cigarette, which end to light, how to light it safely (think of the thousands of fires that will be prevented by teaching proper use of matches!), which end to put in the mouth, how much to inhale, how to know when you are ready to smoke, how to decide which brand is right for you, how to interpret tar and nicotine values, how to weigh the relative merits of cigarettes and pipes, etc.

"Smoke Ed" courses will be opposed by narrow-minded religious groups and by the hateful bigots of this country, who wish to impose upon others their own moral view about what constitutes clean air. We will not relent, however, in our defense of the Constitution of the United States, which guarantees to every citizen the right to privacy -- a right that is tantamount to the right to smoke safely. That right is denied unless the Federal Government insures that safe smoking education is a part of every American's education.

Tolerance for "Alternate" Smoking Styles

Society has conditioned most American to view oral inhalation as the "right way" or "normal" way to smoke. Those who find themselves disposed to smoke in other ways are ridiculed and become the victims of brutal discrimination. We must teach children that the mouth is not the only acceptable passageway for smoking. In particular, nasal inhalation is a perfectly normal smoking practice that a small but significant minority are biologically destined to prefer. However, nasal inhalation involves a number of health risks which can be reduced through proper safe smoking education. We must encourage nasal inhalers to come out of the closet, accept themselves as they are, and begin practicing safe nasal smoking. Above all, we must oppose the blatant rhinophobia which, in effect, is killing nasal inhalers.

Informed Choice

A novel project of the Citizen's Union for Safe Smoking is to develop and distribute an "Informed Choice Starter's Kit" to help maturing children who wish to become carcinogenicly active. Entering the adult world of smoking requires the child to make many difficult and personal choices. It is crucial that they be given the proper information and materials to make an informed choice. Our "Informed Choice Starter's Kit" includes basic manuals on safe smoking practices, a variety of low tar and nicotine cigarettes and pipe tobaccos, a cigarette holder with a two-month supply of removable filters, manufacturers' coupons, and a poster of John Wayne, a popular victim of unsafe smoking and the official hero of the Citizen's Union for Safe Smoking.

Informed choice is of special importance to our organization. If the anti-choice, anti-smoking activists are successful, the freedom of this nation will be lost. We must empower children by teaching them that their right to choose is fundamental and should not be hindered by parental objections, or by the influences of other would-be authoritarian figures such as religious clergy or anti-choice medical practitioners. We feel the courts will be crucial in affirming and strengthening this right.

If you would like to help support The Citizen's Union for Safe Smoking, send your tax-deductible donation to:

The Citizen's Union for Safe Smoking
2020 Coffenhack Lane
Appleton, WI 54915

NOTE: For those of you (and you are out there!) who are comically challenged, this is a spoof! Satire. A gag. So calm down!!! There is no such thing as safe smoking. One of my intents here is to poke fun at some of the arguments used to push "safe sex" education in the schools. Sadly, some people are comically impaired. Thus, I get mail like this one from a well informed college student:

hi I was surfing and ran into your site . I think it is fine if you want to encourage safe smoking but don't you think you should include in your kit at least some factual information about the detriments of smoking? It's silly to deny them, and if you think that it doesn't kill people it does. I just finished a health course (I am a student at Wake Forest)and I learned that smoking is the direct cause of around 400,000 deaths a year. So I am not discouraging safe smoking because it is true that millions are going to smoke, but you could at least throw a little relevant information into your package to inform the people whom you are letting know indirectly that smoking isn't dangerous. It is. You can write me back.... thanks, [name withheld]
Shepard, please don't let those bigots at Wake Forest tell you what to think about smoking! It's nice that you think you're trying to help. But if you think smoking kills people, then you're bigoted and intolerant, and probably suffer from the serious mental illness called smokophobia. But you can be helped with therapy if you seek help now, before it's too late.

Back to the home planet.

HISS- The Higher Institute for Safe Shooting

Stop Smokophobia!

Curator: Jeff Lindsay Contact:
Last Updated: April 3, 2003
URL: ""