Coping with Suicidal Thoughts in Shanghai? Local English- and Chinese-Speaking Resources Can Help

Foreigners living in China can sometimes feel very isolated, which might make depression or other mental health challenges even worse. It’s important to know that if your or a loved one is struggling with suicidal thoughts or the trauma of someone else’s suicide, there are resources to help. One resource is located right here in Shanghai for English speakers: Lifeline Shanghai (China; English only), phone: (021) 62798990. If calling from outside China, use the country code of +86. For Chinese speakers, a resource is HopeLine: 4001619995 (Chinese speakers; 24/7 toll-free access within China).

According to the Lifeline Shanghai website (http://www.lifeline-shanghai.com/):

Lifeline Shanghai serves the English-speaking community with free, confidential, and anonymous emotional support via telephone 10AM to 10PM, 365 days a year. Our helpline offers an emotional support service that respects everyone’s right to be heard, understood, and cared for. Lifeline Shanghai helpline assistants are ready to listen and support, helping you to gain another perspective and connecting you with other support services as needed. Trained volunteers offer emotional support and assist you to clarify options and choices that are right for you. ​

This service is for those with a wide variety of difficulties, not just suicidal thoughts. Appears to be a valuable addition to Shanghai’s expat resources.

Since many of my friends and some of my readers in Shanghai are part of my LDS religious community (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints),  will also mention the excellent resources and list of external resources provided at the Church’s official page, “Suicide Prevention and Ministering Understanding and Healing from the Pain of Suicide” (https://www.lds.org/get-help/suicide/?lang=eng).

Although Shanghai is a prosperous and wonderful place, the problem of suicide is serious. Suicide rates are painfully high and is even a serious problem among children, perhaps due to the high pressure they face in school. See “Child suicides high in Shanghai” at the Christian Science Monitor (an old 2004 article). But suicide rates have been increasing in many parts of the world, including the US. Rates among young girls have actually tripled in recent years, a terrible development. See “Suicide rate triples among young girls: How can we stem the ‘silent epidemic’?,” also from the Christian Science Monitor.

If someone you know is showing signs of suicidal thoughts, take it seriously and lovingly work to support them and get help. Turning to outside expert help may be vitally important.

By | 2018-08-17T17:53:13+00:00 August 17th, 2018|Categories: Education, Health, Relationships, Religion, Safety, Shanghai, Society, Surviving|Tags: , , , |Comments Off on Coping with Suicidal Thoughts in Shanghai? Local English- and Chinese-Speaking Resources Can Help

Xiaogang, Anhui: Can You Hear the Roar of Prosperity from China’s Quiet Revolution?





One of the most touching and courageous moments in China’s recent history is depicted in the painting shown here of a secret meeting of farmers in a tiny village that few people have ever seen or heard of. It was the beginning of a quiet revolution, what one might call China’s Second Revolution, whose roar continues to inspire and strengthen this land. These farmers are gathered in a hut in a dark side room free of windows to keep the meeting hidden from spies. As the mostly illiterate farmers touched the red ink pad to sign an illegal contract with their fingerprints, they were putting more than ink onto paper: they were putting their lives on the line. That moment in 1978 marks the birth of a revolution that has changed the world and blessed hundreds of millions in this land. It’s a story rich in basic lessons that the West may need to relearn in order to survive.

Xiaogang Signing

The village is called Xiaogang (pronounced like “Shau Gong”). It’s a tiny dot on the map in Anhui Province about an hour away from the major city of Bengbu, a city most Westerners have never heard of because, of course, it only has the population of Chicago. But Xiaogang Village is really small, I’d guess around a thousand people or less, and that’s counting the outsiders who work here to staff their gargantuan tourist buildings that commemorate the economic revolution that began here. After learning about the dramatic but not frequently shared story, I finally made a pilgrimage in 2017 to what is now a sacred spot.

The story basically is that the village of Xiaogang had been suffering from the effects of the Great Leap Forward and then the Cultural Revolution, along with some bad weather, perhaps. The old system of that day left people with relatively little incentive to work hard and produce more. They were starving. Whether they worked hard all day or just slept, they would still get inadequate food and risk starvation. Why bother? But they suspected there was a better way. Led by a brave man, the farmers met and agreed to implement a bold new (but actually very ancient) system. The contract they signed agreed to give a portion to the government and then they would get to keep the surplus for themselves. In the article “Xiaogang, Anhui,” Wikipedia describes the Xiaogang miracle this way:

During the Great Leap Forward, Fengyang County, along with much of the rest of the country, experienced a period of famine. A quarter of the county’s population, 90,000 people, died of starvation. In Xiaogang village alone, 67 villagers died of starvation out of a population of 120 between 1958 and 1960.

In December 1978, eighteen of the local farmers, led by Yan (NPR’s name is a typo, there is no YEN in Chinese romanization) Jingchang,[2] met in the largest house in the village. They agreed to break the law at the time by signing a secret agreement to divide the land, local People’s Commune, into family plots. Each plot was to be worked by an individual family who would turn over some of what they grew to the government and the collective whilst at the same time agreeing that they could keep the surplus for themselves. The villagers also agreed that should one of them be caught and sentenced to death that the other villagers would raise their children until they were eighteen years old.[2][3] At the time, the villagers were worried that another famine might strike the village after a particularly bad harvest and more people might die of hunger.

After this secret reform, Xiaogang village produced a harvest that was larger than the previous five years combined.[2] Per capita income in the village increase from 22 yuan to 400 yuan with grain output increasing to 90,000 kg in 1979.[3] This attracted significant attention from surrounding villages and before long the government in Beijing had found out. The villagers were fortunate in that at the time China had just changed leadership after Mao Zedong had died. The new leadership under Deng Xiaoping was looking for ways to reform China’s economy and the discovery of Xiaogang’s innovation was held up as a model to other villages across the country. This led to the abandonment of collectivised farming across China and a large increase in agricultural production. The secret signing of the contract in Xiaogang is widely regarded as the beginning of the period of rapid economic growth and industrialisation that mainland China has experienced in the thirty years since.

This is dramatic stuff, and it’s been recognized by the Chinese government as a key moment in China’s history. Wonderfully, Deng Xiaoping embraced the Xiaogang miracle, which was vital inspiration for the economic reforms he introduced. The timing was just right, and as a result, when local police came knocking on the door of the main farmer behind the conspiracy, it was not to take him to his death as he expected, but to ask for help in expanding their illegal system across many more farms in China. He came away from the police station as hero, not as a criminal, and China awoke to a revolution that continues to roar. Some of you will call that capitalism and an abandonment of Chinese socialism, but over here I think it’s more officially viewed as an important modification in socialism, part of the unique Chinese approach, that overcomes empty “bubble talk” and lack of commitment to work that many faced. However you want to package it, it was a huge step for China. I have seen the burden of poverty in this country and yearn for China’s economic success, and applaud the brave farmers who started the revolution and the policy makers who recognized and learned from their wisdom. What a revolution it has been.

I hope you’ll consider a trek to Xiaogang someday. (I might even join you if you give me advance notice.)

Getting there wasn’t too difficult from Shanghai. It required two or so hours in a high-speed train, often reaching 300 km/hr, to reach Bengbu, and then about an hour in a taxi to reach the village. The town is pretty much just one side road on the main highway. But it has a big arch as you enter, and then a giant tourist center, and then you find that the tourist center is not about the historical event that should make this town famous, but about its current geography, agriculture, climate, etc. Not what IO came for, but nice to have, I suppose.

Only after inquiring did we learn that the place celebrating the key historical event is on an even bigger building about one kilometer down the only side road off the main highway the the town seems to have.

When my wife and I with two other Western friends finally arrived at the primary building about the Xiaogang miracle, I was amazed at how large it was. And what a thrill to finally be there! But where were all the crowds? The place was obviously built with the expectation of big tour groups, but it seemed rather vacant on the Saturday when we showed up. Never mind, I was so excited to finally be here.

As we entered and paid a small fee, it was about 11:50 AM, and the staff informed us that it would be lunch in 10 minutes and we would have to leave until lunch was over at 1:30 PM. Since we had a 3 PM train to Nanjing for additional plans and would need to leave by 2 PM, waiting until 1:30 would be a huge set back. I politely pleaded our case: “We are foreigners who have traveled a long way to see this vitally important site in Chinese history. We have looked forward to this for so long and now are here on a tight schedule. We have to go to Nanjing this afternoon and would not be able to see all the museum if we wait until 1:30. We won’t cause any trouble and don’t need any help. Can we please just stay and look around during your lunch? Please?” No, sorry, we are closed at noon. Come back at 1:30. We didn’t get anywhere with diplomacy, so we rushed in and started looking and shooting photos. A friend suggested we just stay and keep looking. But soon a staff member came to escort us out and right at 12:00 the lights went out. China has made huge progress in customer service attitudes during my six years here, but sometimes there is still room for progress. Tourist sites that close in the middle of a Saturday for lunch (or naps) represent an opportunity for progress, IMHO.

The memorial had some frank information though it was very tactfully presented and balanced with reminders of the positive impact of officials over the years that greatly cheered and motivated the workers.  But repeatedly we can see hints about the excesses of the Cultural Revolution. The scene below from the museum is of a landowner being harassed for having taken the “capitalist road.” Those scenes could be very tragic.

During our 10 minute spree through the building, we realized it was just a museum and didn’t look like it housed the site where the economic revolution began. On our way out, though, we asked some more questions. “Oh, you want to see the old hut? It’s just down the street, about 200 meters, and it’s open during lunch.” Ah hah! Glad we didn’t spend all our time in the museum to miss the most important site. There was the hut where it all began, and the side room with the table where the contract was signed. We sat there and put our fingers to the pad and thought of the brave farmers, tired of watching loved ones die of starvation, risking their lives for the right to keep a reasonable chunk of what they produce. Economics 101, but forgotten by too many in our world.

The result of the conspiracy was a sudden boom in prosperity. About a 600% increase! It went viral and lifted one of the poorest parts of China. Farmers rose out of poverty and could afford luxuries like a television, a ceiling fan, and a sewing machine.

The leader of China today, Xi Jinping, paid tribute to Xiaogong with a 2016 visit. Of that moment in history and of those brave farmers, he said this:

“The daring feet that we did at the risk of our lives in those days has become a thunder arousing China’s reform, and a symbol of China’s reform.” 

Whatever you think about the politics of China and the revolution that gave us the nation of China, I think all of us Westerners can embrace and learn from this second revolution of China that has lifted so many of its people and brought so much opportunity and hope. At this time of thanksgiving, the courage of those who brought about the Xiaogang miracle is one of the things that I am grateful for. And how grateful I am that I could visit that site and meet some of the locals of Xiaogang. Sadly, I was the first foreigner they had seen there for months, one worker told me. Wish more of you would come by and experience the spirit of this place.

By | 2018-06-17T18:50:26+00:00 June 17th, 2018|Categories: Business, China, Politics, Relationships, Society, Surviving, Travel tips|Tags: , , , , |Comments Off on Xiaogang, Anhui: Can You Hear the Roar of Prosperity from China’s Quiet Revolution?

Jimmer, the “Lonely Master,” Might Be Doing Better and Doing More in China than the Deseret News Thinks

In the state of Utah, Salt Lake City’s Deseret News recently carried a touching but slightly downbeat article about China’s most popular basketball player, Jimmer Fredette, the impressive star who once stunned American crowds while playing for Brigham Young University. The article is “Lonely Master: From March Madness to Shanghai, the Unlikely Journey of Jimmer Fredette” by Jesse Hyde, published March 12, 2018. It has a lot of positive things to say about Jimmer and his accomplishments in China, but the general tone of the article is that Jimmer has missed out on his US dreams and thus has settled for something painfully inferior by coming to China, a grim and gritty place. I think there’s another perspective that ought to be considered.

Yes, the CBA is a far weaker competitive field than the NBA, and yes, it is disappointing that his NBA career did not give him the opportunities and satisfaction he sought. But don’t shed too many tears for Jimmer: things might not be as grim as the article implies.

The negative picture painted of China is quite disappointing. It’s a beautiful, exciting place where Jimmer is visible and influential to millions of people in ways that would not be possible in Europe or the US. I have met Jimmer and chatted a few times but don’t know him well nor can I speak for him. But what he is doing here is remarkable and has touched many people. His goodness, his honesty, his humility, and his high standards have also helped him touch people beyond what his athletic skills alone could do. For someone who possibly may have a sense of a mission higher than personal temporal success alone, coming to China brings many opportunities to achieve greater good, while also benefiting from a shorter season and excellent pay. Win/win from my perspective. His presence in China is part of something big, at least in the minds of many of his BYU-related fans here.

One of those fans, a Communist Party official, requested a chance to meet Jimmer last year. I was honored to be part of the little gathering where introductions were made. Jimmer with his characteristic class and humility brought gifts for the Chinese men who had come — framed photos of him as keepsakes. They were thrilled. Before Jimmer showed up, one man in the small group, a business leader in charge of the large complex where we rent some beautiful space to hold LDS services, chattered excitedly about Jimmer and quoted statistics from Jimmer’s games when he was at BYU and in China. Kid in a candy shop when Jimmer arrived. The official had gifts also, a terrific album of Chinese postage stamps. It was a beautiful souvenir for each of the foreigners at this event, which I’m proudly holding in the photo below.

With typical Jimmer class, Jimmer noticed a couple of keenly interested staff members from the little cafe where we met and invited them to get their photos taken also. It was a big day for all of us.

The Deseret News article makes numerous references to the pollution of China and Jimmer’s depressing situation here. The lead paragraph suggests he can’t see much of the skyline in Shanghai due to pollution (yes, we have pollution and some days visibility is noticeably reduced, but we have a lot of beautiful days too and air quality is improving). His apartment is “empty, lonely, a place he just crashes, so devoid of personal effects….” Regarding some reminders of his wife and daughter in his apartment: “Sometimes he needs those reminders. Like when he’s in Shanxi, a gritty industrial city where the gray dust blows from the cement factories and the grime is so thick he could scribble his name on the windows of parked cars.” And when he’s in Shanghai, in spite of the wealth and good food here, “even here, the air carries a slight whiff of chemicals you can almost taste. It’s hard not to want to be somewhere else.”

At this point in reading the article, I wondered if the staff of the Deseret News have ever been in Salt Lake City during the winter months, when the winter inversion traps air in the Salt Lake Valley and leads to painfully high levels of particles, nitrogen oxide, and other pollutants? Of if they have ever been near operations of the massive copper mine that scars the Valley? Or drove through Utah County in the days when the Geneva Steel works were cranking out massive whiffs of chemicals into the air? Or if they have lived near a paper mill in the United States? Shanghai air can get smoggy and is typically worse than most places in the US, but apart from an occasional painter using oil-based paint or a vehicle burning too much oil, as in almost any city, noticeable “whiffs of chemicals” are something I generally don’t experience here, unless those chemicals include the cinnamon aromas coming from Shanghai’s amazing Cinnaswirl bakery with world-class cinnamon rolls, or from the intoxicating smells of any of the hundreds of different cuisines available in Shanghai. OK, we do have stinky tofu, which does have a noticeable smell from its unusual natural chemistry — maybe that’s what the writer encountered here. But you can just take a few steps and be free of that.

China has pollution, certainly. There are spots that are gritty or grimy, just as in America. But it’s also one of the most beautiful and exciting places to live, especially Shanghai. For me personally, my respiratory health during my nearly seven years in Shanghai has been much better than it was in the US, where I would often get bronchitis or other issues in winter. Here it’s been great and I’ve almost never had to miss work due to illness. One or two days for an injury, but my health has been terrific. Part of that is from the food, which is high in fresh produce and generally quite healthy.

Come give China a chance. It’s one of the nicest places in the world, in my opinion. Anyplace is grim when you are away from family, but with such a short playing season, we hope that Jimmer can continue to thrive here and increasingly experience the beauty and wonders of China while here.

As a reminder of the surprising beauty and sometimes even miraculous nature of life in Shanghai, here are images of one of Shanghai’s secrets: its impressive angels rising from the ground to watch over this city. May Jimmer continue to be among them.

Finally, here’s a couple views of one of Jimmer’s favorite Shanghai spots.

Shanghai Disney Castle

The Shanghai Disney Castle

 

Cinderella’s Castle.

 

 

By | 2018-03-17T07:24:37+00:00 March 16th, 2018|Categories: Business, Career, China, Food, Health, Photography, Relationships, Religion, Restaurants, Safety, Shanghai, Society, Surviving|Comments Off on Jimmer, the “Lonely Master,” Might Be Doing Better and Doing More in China than the Deseret News Thinks

History in the Making: The US-China IP Adjudication Conference, May 28-30, 2012, Beijing

After 3 years of planning and navigating complex political waters, a historic event finally took place in Beijing last week at China’s top university for IP law, Renmin University. Top justices, judges, lawyers, business leaders and academicians from the US and China gathered for 3 intensive days of sharing regarding intellectual property and the courts. There were over 1,000 people that attended, including numerous judges and IP thought leaders from China and the US. The number of judges from China was said to be 300, though most of the Chinese people I met were not judges but lawyers, business leaders, and students, though I did have lunch with a Chinese judge and met several in other settings during the conference.

The leaders and speakers of the conference included US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit (CAFC) Chief Justice Randall Rader, one of the most brilliant and influential minds in US patent law whose decisions have long been shaping US law and practice. He is a strong advocate of international collaboration and appears to have been one of the primary driving forces between this event. I was pleased to see a total of 7 Federal Circuit judges present, most visiting China for their fist time, including these 6 Circuit Judges: Raymond C. Clevenger III, Richard Linn, Timothy B. Dyk, Sharon Prost, Kimberly A. Moore, and Jimmie V. Reyna. Also playing prominent roles were Gary Locke, US Ambassador to China; David Kappos, Director of the US Patent and Trademark Office; Mark Cohen, the USPTO’s former Attaché to the US Embassy in Beijing; Steven C. Lambert, President, Federal Circuit Bar Association; and many others. Mark Cohen wowed the crowd by delivering his speech in fluent Mandarin, though his rather erudite citations of Chinese poetry and classics sometimes challenged the gifted translators who made this bilingual conference accessible to everyone present.

On the Chinese side, we were elated to have active participation by Chief Judge Kong Xiangjun, IPR Tribunal of the Supreme People’s Court. Also from the IPR Tribunal of the Supreme People’s Court were Deputy Chief Judge Jin Kesheng, Supervisory Attaché Zhang Shengzu, Presiding Judge Yu Xiaobai, Presiding Judge Wang Yongchang, Presiding Judge Xia Junli, and Judge Zhu Li. These judges, with the 7 from the US Federal Circuit, were part of an “en banc” panel discussing US and China law and IP adjudication. Fascinating! Also representing China was Chong Quan, Deputy Deputy China International Trade Representative and a leader of MOFCOM (China Ministry of Commerce).

In addition to many keynote speeches and panel discussions, there were also breakout sessions on such topics such as trademark law, patent litigation, pharmaceutical patent adjudication, and copyright law. Definitely one of the most interesting and information-packed IP conferences I’ve ever attended.

For many, the highlight may have been the afternoon of mock trials in which the same case was presented in an appeal to the US Federal Circuit and to the IPR Tribunal of the People’s Supreme Court of China. Judge Rader lead the 3-judge panel for the US mock trial. The mock trials allowed representatives of both nations to quickly grasp important differences in procedure, though both courts came to essentially the same conclusion in a genuinely interesting real case involving an advance in safety equipment for a circular saw. Following the trials, there was further exchange between the judges of both countries as they discussed their different systems and what they had learned from one another. What a tremendous learning experience and example of meaningful international cooperation.

The rapidity of China’s progress in IP law and adjudication has been breathtaking, in spite of the many complaints made by voices in the West, and the obvious need for further improvements. But from a historical perspective, to go from virtually no IP law in the early 1980s to a world-class system that is leading the world in patent filing now, with the ability of foreign plaintiffs to win against Chinese companies in Chinese courts, represents massive progress worthy of respect. Exchanges like this recent one in Beijing will influence the thought leaders of both nations to further learn from each other and strengthen our approaches to IP law. Many thanks to all those who made this monumental event possible.

In the closing session, I was able to ask a question to the panelists about what future impact they anticipated might come from this exchange. Chief Judge Kong kindly fielded that question and spoke eloquently of the growth of IP law in China and the rich opportunity they had to draw from the US experience and strengthen their system. There is no doubt in my mind that China is rapidly learning and growing and a visionary eye toward the future. I hope the US can keep up and remain a worthy partner and competitor!

Below are some photos of the event that I took.

Related resources: David Kappos’ blog, “China as an IP Stakeholder.”
 

Liu Yang, Exec. VP of the China Law Society, introduces speakers in the first session.  Also visible are Mark Cohen (USPTO), Chong Quan (MOFCOM), David Kappos (USPTO), and Shen De Yong (VP of the Supreme People's Court).

Liu Yang, Exec. VP of the China Law Society, introduces speakers in the first session. Also visible are Mark Cohen (USPTO), Chong Quan (MOFCOM), David Kappos (USPTO), and Shen De Yong (VP of the Supreme People's Court).

First panel.

First session. Left to right: David Kappos (USPTO), Shen Deyong (VP Supreme People's Court), Chief Judge Randall Rader (US CAFC), Chen Jiping (Executive VP, China Law Society), US Ambassador Gary Locke, and Chen Yulu (President, Renmin University).

Judge Rader

Chief Judge Randall Rader is one of the rock stars of IP--literally. I asked him if he was going to perform for us in the evening but sadly, he informed me that he had left his band behind in the US for this event. I took the opportunity to compliment Judge Rader on setting a great example by being visibly active in areas other than his profession alone. His pursuit of rock music with a real band, even while in the judiciary, is one of many attributes that makes Judge Rader one of the more interesting and likable people in IP law. His passion for China is also part of the Rader equation. Many thanks for making this historic event happen!

Jeff Lindsay in front of the Ming De complex at Renmin University where the Adjudication Conference was held.

David Kappos, head of the US Patent and Trademark Office, speaks. His support for this event was crucial and much appreciated.

Gary Locke, US Ambassador to China.

Gary Locke, US Ambassador to China.

Richard Rainey, Executive Counsel, IP Litigation, General Electric.

Richard Rainey, Executive Counsel, IP Litigation, General Electric.

By | 2016-10-24T05:58:01+00:00 June 3rd, 2012|Categories: China, Innovation, Patent law, Politics, Products, Relationships, Society|Comments Off on History in the Making: The US-China IP Adjudication Conference, May 28-30, 2012, Beijing

Follow Me On Twitter: JeffLindsay and Mormanity

Twitter has been an interesting experiment. Kind of like it, and also hate it because it’s so fake. Followers aren’t friends and most don’t really care what you say. So is tweeting just shouting to the cosmos? No, it’s much more limited than that. It’s like a psychosis. People used to think I was mentally ill when I talked to myself. Now I’ve got Twitter. It makes me more respectable, but no less mentally ill.

Follow me on Twitter as JeffLindsay (secular) and Mormanity (religious, mostly).

By | 2016-10-24T05:58:01+00:00 June 12th, 2009|Categories: Relationships, Society|Tags: |Comments Off on Follow Me On Twitter: JeffLindsay and Mormanity

The Importance of Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDAs) / Confidentiality Agreements (CDAs)

People pursuing a new business concept on their own should quickly consider forming an LLC (Limited Liability Corporation) to prepare for that business and limit their liability. And even before that, it’s important to protect your proprietary information using Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDAs), also called Confidentiality Agreements (CDAs). These are agreements in which the other party agrees to keep confidential information secret for a period of time (typically 2 to 5 years) under certain stipulations. It is vital to use these as you talk with others about your business plans or invention, or you may find someone else marketing it.

IPWatchdog.com’s page on confidentiality agreements is a good place to read about NDAs and to see some great sample documents ready for you to use.

By | 2017-12-25T06:17:00+00:00 August 27th, 2007|Categories: Career, Patent law, Products, Relationships|Comments Off on The Importance of Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDAs) / Confidentiality Agreements (CDAs)

Verbal Self-Defense

Verbal Self-Defense” is a great article by Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D. She provides a couple of key tools for defusing verbal attacks, especuially those cases when someone criticizes you just to get you riled up and angry. It’s important to not let your emotions get too involved and remain calm so you can pick the right strategy to defuse things. Two good approaches are what Dr. Elgin calls the “Boring Baroque Response” and “Computer Mode.”In the “Boring Baroque Response,” you give a lengthy, calm, and boring response that takes all the fun out of attacking you. For example, when someone trying to pick a fight says, “Why are you so lazy? You never do your share of work!”, don’t respond with an angry put down or by self-justification. Instead, try saying something like this: “Well, you raise an interesting question about the development of my work habits. I suppose it goes back to my days in kindergarten – or was it first grade – when we had this daily task we were supposed to do. Frankly, I just couldn’t understand what the teacher was getting at by having us stand and stretch, touch our toes, then our nose, and so forth, so I began taking short cuts. Sometimes that’s more efficient, you see, but for some tasks, it can be perceived as inadequate, so I’m faced with this optimization challenge . . . .”

The point is that you prove yourself to be NO FUN when it comes to verbal arguments.

The Computer Mode response requires that you be completely unemotional and respond to verbal asaults with a calm statement of platitude that doesn’t really commit you to a position. It can really throw the attacker off. Dr. Elgin gives the example of someone yelling at you about something that is lost, blaming you for it. Instead of yelling back or explaining the facts of the matter, stay calm and respond with a platitude or hypothetical statement. For example, you could say, “Nothing is more frustrating than losing something.” As Dr. Elgin says,

No matter how many more times the attacker throws hostile language at you, continue to answer only with another response in Computer Mode. If the hostile strategy has always worked in the past, it may take the attacker a while to understand that it’s not going to work this time. Eventually, the attacker will run out of steam and give up — and again, will make a mental note that you’re no fun as a victim and shouldn’t be chosen for that role in the future.

You’d be amazed at how many potential arguments I’ve nipped in the bud with a single meaningless emergency platitude. The attacker makes the first hostile move; and I answer, solemnly, “You know, you can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.” Many, many times, the next line from the poor soul attacking has been, “I never thought of it like that.” Almost every time, the argument has ended right there — for an impressive savings in time and energy all around, and far less pollution of the language environment.

By | 2006-11-27T18:39:58+00:00 November 27th, 2006|Categories: Relationships, Society|1 Comment